“Well to be fair, you don’t give most people the chance to.” He takes a single step toward me but he doesn’t move closer than that and I hate that he knows trying to reach out to me isn’t going to help. Not like it would with Amiyah. “This isn’t about me. Or your mom. Your dad or even Amiyah. I think you lost a little piece of yourself when you stopped dancing.”
A little?
Most days it feels like I lost everything. My anchor, my sanity. My safe space. Sure, I can still dance, but not like I used to. Not in the way I crave. I can never go back to spending days upon days practicing just to be able to perform three-hour long shows.
And even if I did push through all that pain, I know it wouldn’t look or feel the same. There’ll always be a stutter in my movements. A pause in my leaps, falling out of my pirouettes more often than not.
My body is literally broken and to a dancer’s eyes, they’d be able to see it too. I never thought much while I was dancing. It’s the one place where I allowed myself to feel, but after everything that’s happened, all I seem to be able to do nowadays is stay stuck in my head.
Think about how I could fix this or what I’ll do if I can’t. Think about why nothing ever seems good enough for me. Think about why I’m so afraid to want things anymore.
It hurts to not be who you once were.
“You know what your dad told me after we found out you had to quit ballet?” Mom asks, her eyes glossy.
I shake my head, not being able to speak without fear of my voice cracking.
“He said,‘You know, DD has always had a way of tearing herself down when things don’t go how she hoped. Like it’s her fault. Like maybe she wasn’t ever good enough to begin with.’”
My laugh comes out weak and wet. “Okay, I get it. You guys don’t have to psychoanalyze me.”
“I’m just saying, sweetheart, that it’s okay to not know what you want anymore. Or to not have it together all the time. It’s even okay to want things even if you don’t know if they’ll work out.” She steals a quick glance in Brian’s direction before looking back at me. “And even if things don’t go the way you planned, you need to be able to trust yourself that you’ll make it throughit because knowing you, you’re never going to feel alive again if you don’t take chances.”
It grows quiet in the kitchen. I can’t bring myself to look at either of them, so I continue to stare out the back window at the fairy lights that light up the backyard.
’Cause what can I say? That they’re right? That this isn’t about my mom or Brian. Or even my dad.
How can I admit that this ache in my chest is all because I don’t know who I am anymore? That I can’t let myself want anything without ruining it before it ruins me?
Mom and Brian have been there for me even when I shoved them away. Mom took care of me after surgery, no matter how hard I made it.
Brian literally pays for my tuition at Kingswell.
My car.
Apartment.
Unnecessarily expensive shopping sprees just because I know Brian wouldn’t bat an eye. He’s a surgeon. Sure, he makes good money. But I have not only taken advantage of that, but also of their patience.
I really am an awful daughter.
“We invited you over for dinner tonight because one of Brian’s coworker’s wives is opening a ballet studio in a few months.” Mom is the first to break the silence.
Brian nods his head. “He was talking about it and I mentioned that I thought you’d be a good fit. Said he’d be able to get you an interview. I think her name was Kimberly. He said she’s been teaching professionally for years.”
Kimberly who’s been teaching ballet professionally for years? There’s no possibility that he could be talking about who I think he is. Could he be?
“Is her last name Monet?” My voice shakes but now for an entirely different reason.
He nods and my heart drops.
I have a chance at teaching atThe Kimberly Monet’sballet school? She’s one of the most beloved and impressive ballet teachers there is but she won’t just teach anyone. She’s known for being extremely selective with who she teaches and now she’s opening a school right here in Ellingbrooke?
Brian gently smiles. “But if that’s not what you want to do anymore, I’ll tell him not to bother. I just wanted you to have a shot at it…if you still…you know.”
Loved ballet?
Yeah, I do. More than anything. I try so hard not to think about it. Or what could’ve been. How eight months have changed my whole life and the things I want. My mind was so stuck on the act of never getting a chance at my ballet career that I don’t think I ever considered other ways I could make it happen.