“What?” I ask. “Cuddling?”
Lucas hums. “Said I was too clingy.”
He says it so casually. Like that’s something you just put up with from someone who’s supposed to love you, and I don’t think I enjoy the aching in my chest at thinking of Lucas never saying anything because he believed it.
“Does she go to Kingswell?” I ask, running my hands up and down Lucas’s arm, trying to soothe any annoyance that now digs into my ribs at imagining Lucas having to hear those words from someone he cared about.
“Why?” Lucas chuckles. “You gonna give her a piece of your mind?”
“No, I was actually thinking about just punching her.”
Lucas laughs gently, the sound the loudest thing in the room besides the click of the air conditioner turning on. “No need, Stryker, you tend to be the only thing on my mind these days.”
The words hit me like an ice bath. Not because I haven’t been aware of Lucas’s interest in me but because he’s now replacing thoughts of his ex-girlfriend with me of all people.
Why would he do that? I’m not someone he should want in that way. Sex? Fine. Cuddling? I’ll bend my own rules. But this has become too real for me. I could tell Lucas that we’ve crossed the line of what we’re supposed to be but there were never any rules to begin with.
We never established what this is and I’m starting to worry that Lucas might have already made up his mind about a few things. I’m not the girl you bring home to your mom. I’m a mess that Lucas doesn’t need in his life.
This…this was meant to be a one-time thing but then I went ahead and allowed myself to actually like being around Lucas.
Even if we did turn this into something more than sex, I know it wouldn’t last because I’m me and he’s Lucas.
He’s sweet and funny and hard not to like.
Lucas encapsulates everything that is good in this world and he deserves someone that radiates that same light. Not me. Far from me. I can’t let this continue on. I can’t give Lucas false hope. I can’t pretend that I can possibly give him anything more than this.
Skin on skin. The occasional talk about our dreams or childhood crushes—but I can’t give him more than that. Can’t allow myself to. I’m only capable of making messes. Not cleaning them up.
Lucas’s weight on me is no longer comforting—it’s suffocating.
I need to get out. To create space. Maybe even leave Ellingbrooke if I have to.
The lump in my throat grows the longer I stare up at the ceiling with Lucas’s body on mine. My hands pull away from him, no longer feeling the right to touch him.
My voice shakes. “I completely forgot that I promised to help Amiyah with something.”
Lucas lifts his head, chin resting on my chest. He blinks sleep away from his eyes, studying my face. “With what?” His smile is lazy. Tired. “It’s barely light outside.”
He follows my gaze toward the closed blinds but I’m able to make out a sliver of the sky, allowing me to come to the realization that it’s dawn.
“Um—” I shimmy out from under him, slipping away and standing up from the bed. “Just a thing she’s been harassing me about.”
I don’t meet his gaze, only focusing on throwing my clothes back on as quickly as possible, trying to make this whole thing painless for the both of us. So far, it’s not really working.
With my leggings and shirt back on, shoes in my hands, I gather up enough courage to turn back toward Lucas to find himleaning on one arm, bare chest on display and blanket resting on his hips.
I have to remind myself this is for the better. I need to leave before this gets any deeper. Before it becomes something that neither of us can come back from.
“I’ll…uh, I’ll see you around.”
And there it is.
The look I was trying to avoid. Lucas tilts his head to the side, soft eyes examining me, trying to read between the lines as if he could’ve possibly said the wrong thing and that’s why I’m leaving. And not because I’m a coward.
His shoulders then fall, like something in the way I’m standing awkwardly in the middle of his room makes him aware of what’s happening right now. Any exhaustion that once took over his features is now gone in a matter of seconds.
“Need me to walk you to your apartment?” Even now he still has the decency to ask me such a thing.