I don’t move, my face wet and body shaking. My lips tremble in the corners and I can’t take my eyes off the camera still filming. I could have killed her, and the only thing I’m upset with myself over is the fact that I didn’t.
A darkness twists inside me and I touch my face, smearing the blood over other parts of my skin while someone pulls me by my arm. They’re worried about me when they should be worried about something else—whatever’s happening inside me. I look back, reaching my hand out, and some guy assures me Kathy is going to be okay, saying, “It’s not your fault. Lisa should never have continued to film after the first incident.”
I nod, looking back again, but it’s not at Kathy. It’s because the right person hasn’t called cut yet, and I haven’t given him the best part. He might not realize it, but I know I haven’t. What will happen when I keep showing his camera who I am and finally give him what I couldn’t today? What I need to.
What’s happening to me? Justin sits me on my bed but I don’t even remember getting here. I look down at my aching feet, and my red hands stain the sheets.
“We should get you cleaned up,” he says and I shift uncomfortably, scooting back with my knees folding to my chest. I don’t want his help, but my mouth won’t open enough for me to say so.
“Hey.” A voice comes from behind him and I look up to meet Hayden’s dark eyes. “Actually, Justin, Lisa said she needs you back in the main building. I can take care of it from here.”
“You sure? I can come back after—”
“I’m sure,” he says, patting him on the back, and once Jason is out of the trailer, Hayden locks the door, turning to me with a soft expression.
“Hey there, my little idol. You hanging in there okay?”
My heart stops. What did he say? I couldn’t have heard him right. The note from my crazed fan flashes in my mind. Isn’t that what he called me? He’d understand what I was feeling right now. His gifts told me he would. He knew what he was doing by sending them. I hadn’t used them, because they weren’t meant to be used yet. So far, the camera’s only caught me using the wrong ones, and the blood wasn’t red enough. It wasn’t real. What’s sticking to my skin now is very real and I need to be sick over it. But I’m not. Instead, I’m sitting here wanting to hear the wrong thing from Hayden’s lips.
“I . . . I don’t know.”
“I think it would be better to get you in the shower. Do you have one in here?”
I shake my head. “I want to go home.”
“We can do that. I can take you wherever you want.”
“Is the movie over?” My stomach tightens.
“Yeah,” he says, almost looking as disappointed as me. That can’t be right. Unless he really needed the money and he’ll be short now. “I’m afraid so,” he continues. “Kathy was taken away by ambulance, and Lisa wanted to make sure you were okay too.”
“I hurt her.”
“No.” He shakes his head, lowering himself to the floor. “Whoever switched out the prop did.”
“I think I knew.” What am I doing? Why am I telling him this? “I thought I was being paranoid because of the other times,” I lie, trying to save face.
His expression is flat and unreadable, eyes unblinking. “Yeah, I could see that. It’s not your fault either way.”
“I kept going . . . I . . .” I lick my lips without thinking about it, the metallic taste of the blood zinging on my tongue like it’s a trophy I could swallow down and keep with me forever. Yeah, I’ve gone off the fucking rails. It’s the shock, like they said. I went through trauma too and it’s throwing me for a loop.
“You didn’t know, baby. You thought it was all part of the film.”
“It didn’t look like fake blood.”
“Hey.” His tone shifts as he squeezes my knee. “Look at me. It’s not your fault.”
“I’ll never be in another movie again, will I?” Looks like I didn’t need to be seen with Hayden to ruin myself.
“Of course you will. This is only a small hiccup. You’ll get past it. Kathy’s fine and no one is blaming you.”
“I should have been in that ambulance with her.”
“I don’t think you’re in any shape for that right now. Let’s get you clean, fed, and after a good night’s rest, we can send her some flowers and wait until she’s ready for visitors.”
“Yeah . . .” My breaths shorten. “Yeah. Okay.”
“Let’s get you to your feet first.” He offers me his hand and I quickly take it. Pulling me to my feet, he wraps an arm around me and guides me out the door. We don’t go through the building, and instead we walk around it to get to the parking lot. His phone goes off once we’re in the car, and his face hardens after he answers it.