“That sounds nice.”
I didn’t want to push my luck, so I held back the urge to kiss her goodbye. I needed to walk away now before my cave man brain took over and I threw her over my shoulder and took her home. So I forced myself to walk down the steps of the porch and then turned to her.
“I will see you tomorrow, Molly.”
“Tommorow?” She asked with a questioning look on her face, "Tomorrow is only Wednesday.”
“I know, baby. I am going to court you properly.” I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to say that out loud, but something about her, about us, about this chance made me want to be honest about everything with her.
Her face lit up as she laughed, and god I missed that sound. “Court me?”
I couldn’t help but smile at her joy, “I will see you tomorrow, Molly.”
And then I turned and walked to my SUV, walking away from her again. But she deserved space to think and feel, she deserved time to figure out who she was and if that person would want to be with me, with Declan. So I walked away from my wifeagainwith the promise that I would be back. With the promise to earn every laugh, smile and ounce of love she was willing to give me.
CHAPTER 46
MOLLY - SMELL THE FLOWERS
He was going to court me…
I didn’t ever think I would hear that come out of his mouth. Then again, he was doing a lot of things lately that I never imagined he would. I hadn’t known what to think when he showed up with the entire club and proved to me what he was willing to do to earn my trust, to be with me. And then when he showed up and introduced himself to me as Declan... I didn’t think I was a woman who got giddy or swooned… but a sincere and open Declan. He had me feeling things again that I didn’t think I would ever feel for him. Not after everything.
Tuesday he arrived with a bouquet full of a variety of flowers and colours. It hit me after he left that day how little I actually knew about myself. I had lived on adrenaline and survival instincts for so long, never taking the time to smell the flowers. Or decide what things I liked or not. I drank black coffee because in school everyone did, and then it was a lifeline for long shifts. I ate food that was convenient and that other people liked. I didn’t have any hobbies… I had work and then I had Clutch…. And then Ididn’t.
So being in this position now where everything is open. Where I was safe and free to do what I wanted, live the life I had been too afraid to live… What did I actually want to do?
The possibilities felt endless and daunting. So I started with the flowers. I decided I didn’t like roses, but loved peonies. Lilies were elegant; I loved that they could stand on their own. I wasn’t a big fan of the smell of tulips but loved the look of daisies… ohhh and snapdragons. That had me remembering one of our weekend drives where we had gone past a field of sunflowers, and I remembered feeling happy. Passing the field as the sun set was stunning. So maybe sunflowers in the summer would be nice to have around the house.
Wednesday he showed up with several bags from the convenient store. Marvin and Trevor were teaching private lessons at the gym, so I was home alone. I joined Declan on the front porch and laughed when he started pulling out different snacks, candies, and chocolates. It was as if he knew.
“I don’t ever remember seeing you with snacks or candy, and I wasn't sure if you didn’t like them or…”
I sat down beside him on the wooden planks, my legs hanging over the edge of the porch. The bags of goodies between us. I knew I had a choice to make: I could open myself up to him, show him all my pieces, even the ones I didn’t like looking too closely at, or I could keep my guard up. And this would all be for nothing. Looking at him now, he looked younger than I had ever remembered seeing him and he was trying. So I could be brave and try to.
I cleared my throat riffling through the bags and found a bright bag of what looked like rolled tortillas.
“Those are spicy.” he warned, while still giving me the space to answer him.
“Before cominghereI was lucky if I was fed at all. I would say that they fed me enough to appear presentable, but it was never for enjoyment… nothing with them was. It was more about keeping me fed until they could sell me and then once I was sold… I was an investment that they needed to keep alive.”
I heard a low rumble come from Declan, but he didn’t interrupt.
Fuck this was hard to talk about, I don’t know if I ever talked this openly before. Marvin and Trevor knew what they needed, what I was saved from and why I needed to be kept hidden. But that was it.
“And then when I came here Marvin was alone and set in his ways, I didn’t want to cause problems or make it so he would send me away… so… I never asked for anything.”
I let my words settle with me, let myself feel them. I could feel Declan studying me, and he laughed when I popped a blue twisted tortilla into my mouth and made a face.
“Ohhh those are good but spicy. But… I think I like them.”
I was fanning my mouth when he handed me a chocolate milk. I looked at him then, giving him a soft smile.
“What about Trevor?” he asked.
“He was dropped off one day suddenly by Marvin’s ex. No notice. Just one day a boy lived here with us. They were focused on food as fuel, as a necessity and not something that is for enjoyment. Marvin didn’t make a lot of money either, so it was the basics… You know.”
Declan nodded and shrugged saying, “Growing up food was never guaranteed, so I get it. The food as a necessity thing and then when I joined the club there was always someone assigned as the cook. I ate what everyone ate.”