- BEX IS DEAD
Six months… six months since I ran from my life, from my husband, from the only truth I had ever dared to build for myself, and I was still no closer to finding the new me, deciding what to do next. It was as if I was stuck in limbo.
Marvin and Trevor continued to call me Molly, and that seemed to be closest to the truth as I could get. But if it wasn’t safe for me to be Rebecca Pierce, would it ever be safe for me to be Molly Kent?
It was an unseasonably hot day; the very air felt like it was clinging to me, pushing me. It didn't help my mood.
I had been spending most of my time at the gym, working to earn my keep, or so Marvin said. In truth, I just think he wanted to keep me close and didn’t know how to say it. But I could feel it in the way he would watch me from the office with a fond smile. Or how he would conveniently order too big of a sandwich for lunch and have just enough to share with me.
Trevor had finally stopped asking me what my plans were after I put him in a headlock and told him I didn’t fucking know and to stop poking at me. Then there was the baby names incident. The look of confusion on his face when he caught me looking at girl names on the computer in the gym office. He had looked at the screen, at me, back at the screen, at my abdomen and then back at the screen again. I wanted to laugh because how the fuck did he think I got pregnant… but I wanted to see how it would play out. So I leaned back in the office chair, crossed my arms over my chest, and waited. Trevor opened his mouth, closed it, shook his head, huffed… took a step back, looked like he was going to leave and then eventually blurted out, “How did you manage to get knocked up?”
Then, before I could respond, he got angry. “Was it the asshole who came from out of state? The MMA fighter?”
At that I finally cracked and started laughing. It felt good to laugh like that, at something absurdly ridiculous. Like anyone could get close to me with the way Marvin and Trevor hovered. When I finally calmed down and wiped the tears from my eyes, I got a little nervous. Trevor and I talked, he probably knew more about me than anyone… but how do you tell someone you don't know who you are… that you don't even know if you have a name that can be used outside of this small bubble of safety. How do you tell someone who has always known exactly who he was…. That you felt like no one.
I blew out a breath, “I am not pregnant. I am looking at names for… they are for me.”
I couldn't look at him, so instead I kept my eyes on the computer screen.
Trevor crouched down in front of me, twisting the chair so I swiveled and was facing him.
“What’s wrong with being you, with being Molly?” He asked.
“Well, that’s a loaded question and you know it. Being Molly has always meant I wasn’t safe, that I was in danger… needed to hide. I can’t…”
I was getting frustrated, not feeling like I could adequately describe my situation… how I was feeling.
I felt safe and stuck.
I felt known and yet didn’t feel like I knew myself.
“You can’t what?”
“I can’t be Molly out in the world.” I huffed.
Trevor reached out and tapped my chin so I would look at him. “Why not?”
I wasn't sure if I wanted to laugh or scream.Was he being serious right now?
“Why not? WATERMELON! Trevor…watermelon…I had a code word when I was a kid, in case I had to hide. Marv used to do safety drills with me… I haven’t gone further than the mom and pop grocery store since I got here. I had to have a whole new identity the last time I left…I…”
Between the heat and the frustration I was feeling like I couldn’t breathe, I needed to move, needed air. I pushed back and Trevor tumbled forward a bit, ending up in my lap. I heard someone shout and then a commotion in the main room. I was helping steady Trevor and trying to stand when I heard a voice I wasn’t sure I would ever hear again.
“For a ghost you are looking pretty lively, Bex.”
I didn’t look up, not till Trevor and I were both standing and then I straightened myself and stood tall, then turned to face Angel.
“What do you want?” I crossed my arms across my chest, and looked up at him.
He went to open his mouth and then I decided I didn’t really care what he wanted. So instead of waiting to hear what he said I moved past him and out into the gym where a very uncomfortable looking Cypher was standing with half the gym watching him.
I did a quick scan and didn’t see anyone else, didn’t seehim. Cypher looked like he was going to say something, so I pointed right at him and said, “No. You don’t get to talk to me now. You had your chance to ask me questions, talk to me before you ran your mouth and pulled at threads you had no business pulling on.”
He closed his mouth and then went to open it again, taking a step forward. I was not in the mood for this shit.How did they find me?
I grabbed my gloves off of the weight bench and moved towards the ring, I needed to move, I needed to shift some of this energy. I needed to punch something or someone.
“Bex.”