The prospects came back saying they only found two more men outside, but took care of them, then let Ledger know that the guard at the gate was dead.
Ledger got everyone's attention, handing out guard and clean up duties. Assigned a crew to accompany him to grab all the supplies and another to turn the kitchen, which had industrial steel counter tops, into a clean room for the doctors.
Everyone was moving, the motion making me feel nauseous. So I closed my eyes for a moment and pictured sweet blue eyes looking at me. I let myself numb the pain with memories of her laugh, the soft smile she saved only for me. And as the pain creeped in, I made a vow to be a better man. For her, for me, for everyone who suffered because of the missteps we made. As the pain pulled me under, I whispered, hoping somewhere she still knew, “I love you.”
CHAPTER 32
- A FEELING
I woke up with an ache in my shoulder I couldn’t place and a sense of urgency I didn’t understand. After a restless night's sleep, I needed coffee and space to breathe.
I jumped into the shower and went through my routine of getting ready for the day. I didn’t have much, lived most of my life not needing it. I was brushing my hair when a memory hit me…
Clutch had gone on a run with several of the other club brothers and when he came back, he had a boutique bag with him. He had handed it to me with a kiss, saying some of the other girls recommended things for me. When I opened the bag and saw bright red lip gloss and perfume, I was pissed. Assuming it was one of the club girls who suggested it to him, because how fucking dare he fuck around with one of them and bring me back evidence of his betrayal, all the ways he wanted me to be more like them.
It had been a year since he bought me the clothes, and they still hung in the closet. Like he thought if he kept them there he would slowly wear me down to be more like the women the men passed around the club. None of the Ol’ Ladies dressed like that; why did he have to make me feel like I wasn’t enough just the way I was? I had been bought and sold already in my short life, and I wasn’t going back to that ever again.
I had gotten dressed quickly and stormed downstairs, hair still wet, when Meg had stopped me and asked if I like the perfume she had suggested to Clutch. It had hit me then that I had automatically assumed the worst, I had put my past on Declan and he wasn’t that… I went looking for him and found him talking to Kori who was wearing a glossy red lip and all the forgiveness disappeared when she looked me over with a dismissive glance and told my husband she had warned him I wasn’t a red gloss kind of girl.
I stormed away and stayed in our room waiting for him to come up, whenhe didn’t and I got a call from the hospital, I had left without looking for him. Part of me not wanting to know where I would find him.
When the memory let go, I was clutching my left shoulder. Taking a deep breath, I walked back into my old room and went to my bag that I still hadn’t unpacked and pushed to the back of it. My hand surrounded the crumbled gift bag. I didn’t know why I had kept it, we had never talked about it. But It felt like somehow it was a symbol of our relationship. All the things that weren’t said, all the conversations we should have had. All the things I let slip because I was so afraid to lose him, to lose the promise of us.
Making my way downstairs my anxiety hadn’t levelled out. So I poured myself some of the leftover coffee from Marv and Trevor this morning and went outside.
I sat on the front porch for a while, something that usually soothed me, but I still felt anxious so I left my coffee mug on the porch and decided to walk around the property, get some fresh air… move.
I made it about five minutes when the first wave hit me. A sudden rush of tears, fear and anxiety poured out of me and I didn’t know why.
I had been getting by, existing in since I ran from the Dawnbreakers. So why now?
I dropped to my knees trying to breathe through the panic and another memory hit me…
We had gotten up early, left the clubhouse without direction and just drove. I had been missing my husband and being wrapped around him, the sun warm on our skin… it felt perfect. It was exactly what I had needed. We drove most of the day and on the way back home he had found a look out for us to stop and watch the sun set.
We parked the bike and sat on the ground wrapped in each other. He pulled my back to his front, nestled his face in my hair. I had laughed asking how he was going to see the sunset with his face buried in my hair.
He had brushed my hair back and over my other shoulder, kissing where my skin was exposed at my neck saying, “I don’t need to look anywhere but you when I want to see something beautiful.”
I had tried to laugh it off, twist in his arms so I could see his face, but he kept me in his arms facing the sunset. He gave a soft kiss at the skin behindmy ear, then the back of my neck and my jaw, his scruff rough on my skin. He spoke so low that I almost thought I dreamed it, “I am serious Bex. I never looked for a relationship in anyone else I was ever with because I couldn’t picture it. No one ever made me want to. But you are like a gift I don’t deserve.” And then he buried his face in my hair and I barely heard him say, “I love you so fucking much, I don’t think I’d survive you leaving me.”
We stayed like that far past the sun set, until I twisted in his arms and straddled him. We made love under the stars that night and I remember feeling like I had finally found the one person who saw me, loved me…
Memories continued to bombard me and I knew I must have been outside for hours because the sun was higher in the sky. I was sobbing on the ground, trying to get my breathing under control, when I heard something behind me. I jumped up to my feet and turned and there was Marvin. I don’t know how long he was standing there watching me, but by the look on his face and what looked like tear streaks on his face… I’d guess a while.
We both stood there watching each other and then he turned walking back in the direction of the house shouting over his shoulder, “It’s your turn to make lunch.”
CHAPTER 33
CLUTCH - AFTER THIS
Chestnut hair and clear blue eyes, a soft smile she saves just for me.I’ve missed you…She laughs, and it’s a sound I haven’t heard in so long. A sound I love. She doesn’t laugh often, but when she does…I am so sorry, Bex, I am going to fix this. I will…
I wake with a groan, the pain coming back to me all at once. Not just the physical, but the pain no doctor could treat. Because it is self-inflicted pain in my heart that only one person can help heal and I am the reason she is gone.
I crack my eyes open, bracing for the bright light of the kitchen, but I am…where the hell am I?
I don’t recognize the room, but I know I am still in the clubhouse. I feel like I haven’t slept in weeks and somehow like I've slept for far too long.