He brought her hands to his mouth and kissed her wrists, her palms, and then the tip of each little finger. ‘I do not want to mock you. I want to worship you. And you need not worry about being compared to previous experiences. I have never done it before either.’
Pulling her hands away from him, she sat up in bed. The covers fell from her chest, revealing her thin chemise. ‘Do not lie to me. I know gentlemen are not supposed to be virgins.’
Scraping his hands through his hair, Samuel sat up in the bed. ‘I know, but I could not be like other young gentlemen. I did not wish to get the pox or bring some other bawdy house disease home to my wife like my father did. I should have already told you, but my mother has the French pox too and it’s in the latent stage where there are no symptoms. Our family doctor says that the longest time he’s seen a patient stay in the latent stage is thirty years. It has been fifteen for Mama and every day I fear that the disease will return. At the most, she will have another fifteen years to live before her organs deteriorate and she goes mad. It will probably be sooner and it is all my lecherous father’s fault.’
Placing a hand on his shoulder, she swallowed. ‘I did not know that about your mother. I am so sorry. How long have you known?’
‘Since I was ten years old,’ he said, his voice tight. ‘Mama used to say that she depended upon me. Then she called me her sweet baby angel Sammy, but her confidences were crushing. I could see the sores on her hands and mouth and I did not know what or how I was supposed to help her. And after she passed the first two stages of the illness, there was always the worry about my father and his many mistresses. I tried to be the best son I could for her. To do well in school and not chase petticoats or give in to my base desires. So that I wouldn’t add to her worries.’
She inhaled deeply. ‘That is why you hate that nickname. I wish you would have told me sooner. What a terrible burden for a child to bear.’
Samuel could no longer meet her gaze. ‘It was. That is the true reason that I joined the army. Yes, my father’s pox coming back contributed to it, but mostly I could no longer live with our family’s secrets. I abandoned my mother to deal with it alone.’
Placing her hand on his back, she rubbed circles against his nightshirt. ‘I love your mother, I truly do. And I have said it before, she is a very capable woman. But she was wrong to put so much pressure on a child. And you need not remonstrate with yourself any longer—she wasn’t alone. After you left, she turned to my mother, who was more than capable of helping her take care of your father and the estates. You are not responsible for your father’s, nor your mother’s, choices.’
Frederica’s words and her touch seemed to ease the tenseness of his muscles. She had given him absolution for his greatest regrets and deepest sorrows. The Duchess of Hampford was nearly the same age as his mother and a much better confidant. She was an adult with experience and resources. Samuel did not blame his mother for depending upon him at such an early age; she must have felt as if she had no other choice. She didn’t want society to know the truth. But he also knew that he would never put such pressure or expectations on a child of his own. He would never expect a boy to bear the burdens of a man.
Exhaling, he felt the rest of the tension leave his body. ‘You’re right. You are right. I am only responsible for my own choices.’
‘And do not feel guilt for choosing to leave a difficult situation. When someone is drowning, they cannot save another swimmer. Sometimes, you have to keep yourself afloat and there is no shame in survival.’
Her words were like a balm on his wounded soul. He had done his very best for as long as he could, and when it became too much, he had left. And he hadn’t completely abandoned his mother. He wrote to her regularly and came home after his father’s death. He’d even promised to marry Frederica because of his mother’s pressure. Slightly smiling, he did not hold that particular offence against Mama any longer. Frederica was the greatest joy in his life.
‘You saved me once when I was drowning.’
She let out a gurgle of laughter. ‘After I pushed you into the river.’
‘True.’
And they laughed together.
Frederica leaned her head against his shoulder and her hand brushed across his torso. He was no longer thinking about his parents or his past. His mind and body were focused on his beautiful wife in bed next to him.
‘Is it terrible for me to say that I am glad that it is your first time too? That I am the only one that you have been with intimately, so you can’t compare me to anyone else, and that you are not diseased.’
He encircled his arm around her waist and pulled her tighter against him. ‘No. I am glad that I am your only one too.’
‘How do we start?’
He stood up, shucking off his nightshirt and tossing it on the floor. ‘Although we do not have any practical experience, we are both bright people. I am sure we can figure it out between the pair of us and I am certainly eager to try.’
She clapped her hands over her mouth and he realised that she was covering a giggle. How quickly their conversations went from serious to silliness. Coming back onto the bed, he moved her hands a second time and kissed that wicked, laughing tongue. Their hands gently explored each other, unsure, but each touch burned. And they came together slowly, tenderly, and thoroughly.
After, he held her in his arms, feeling happier than he had ever been in his entire life. His limbs felt weightless, but full. He couldn’t help but hum his favourite bar tune about a buxom maid named Nelly. He was sure that the mythical barmaid had nothing on his wife.
Frederica rubbed her face against his chest and laughed.
‘How come you can giggle during the entire act, but if I crack so much as a smile, I am in trouble?’
She giggled again.
How he loved that sound!
All the little noises that she made before, during, and after.
Frederica kissed his bare shoulder. ‘Because I cannot help myself. I am too joyful to merely smile—I must laugh.’
Leaning towards her, he brushed her satin lips over and over with his own. He wanted nothing more than to stay with her in this bed. In this room. For ever.