Frederica let out a trill of laughter and broke off a piece for herself. She liked that he had a large appetite like her. The bread was warm and flavourful and she chewed it slowly. She saw that Samuel had already swallowed his entire piece, so she tore off a large chunk of cheese and gave it to him. Tasting the delicious cheese slowly, she looked about her. She memorised the number of buildings inside the farmhouse enclosure, the doors to the courtyard, and the height of the walls.
Samuel looked at her quizzingly. ‘I should dearly love to know what you are thinking.’
Turning back to him, she asked, ‘Do you think the fighting will reach here? I was pondering if the walls and courtyard would give enough protection or if they would be a trap to be stuck in.’
He did not answer her immediately, but she didn’t mind. He appeared to be considering her opinion and his answer like he had that night in the kitchen.
At last, he said, ‘There is a high probability that there will be fighting at this farm and all the others round about it. In the coming days, there will be four armies and hundreds of thousands of men.’
She held up four fingers. ‘The English, the French, the Dutch, and the—’
‘Prussians,’ Samuel said, taking her hand, ‘who are our allies, but it is difficult for armies from different countries to fight together. It would not surprise me if lives were lost between ourselves. Lines get blurred. Guns and cannons fill the air with smoke. Officers get shot. Screams make orders hard to be heard and difficult to follow. It is impossible to keep track of every soldier during a battle.’
He caressed the top of her hand with his thumb, holding it in his lap.
‘Are battles terrible?’
Samuel was silent and Frederica feared that he would snub her again, or shut her out of his deepest thoughts. He brought his free hand and set it on top of their joined ones.
‘When I first enlisted,’ he said slowly, ‘I was too young and foolish to realise how awful they were. All the sounds and bullets were thrilling for a young man. I thought I was invincible and I fought like it. I even rose quickly in the ranks because I was foolhardy and fearless. But it does not take long for even the most daring of young soldiers to realise that many of his friends are dead. And that his bullets and his sword have dealt death to his enemies’ family and friends. In those moments, precious and terrible, you realise the value of life, but you are forced to take it. Killing another person changes you. Murdering many people even more so. And it must, for we are breaking nature’s laws.’
She had never thought about it that way. Like so many others, she had been blinded by the spectacle of fancy uniforms and the army parades.
Frederica squeezed his hand. ‘You are not a murderer. You are a soldier, defending your country and other countries from cruel tyrants like the Emperor Napoleon. Any creature alive would defend its own. That is the true way of nature.’
He shook his head, regret lining his eyes and mouth. ‘That is what the newspapers print and I hope that it is true, but that does not change the fact that I have taken countless lives. And I do not know their names or their situations, the most I can remember is their faces when they haunt my dreams. I wonder who they have left behind and if their sacrifice has any meaning at all. But mostly, if my life and sacrifice would have a purpose.’
Frederica moved her hands to cup his face, his square jaw a little scratchy on her palms. She loved the friction between them. Her eyes met his. ‘Your sacrifice has meaning, Samuel. And your actions have made a positive difference in the world. You are a good person and a good soldier.’
Samuel closed his eyes and rubbed his cheeks against her hands. ‘I did not join the army to get away from an unwanted marriage, Frederica. I joined it to get away from my father.’
Gasping, she dropped her hands, but he caught them in his larger, warm ones. He was not retreating behind his wall. He was opening himself to her for the first time. Showing his vulnerabilities and scars. If only she could be as brave.
He kissed the back of her hands. ‘I should have told you that when you asked me before.’
Her mouth fell open and one word came out: ‘Why?’
Dropping his gaze, he no longer met her eyes. ‘I had not finished at Eton, when I stopped at my parents’ home in London and found my father with a duo of Cyprians there. He offered to share one with me. I was shocked and ashamed. And then I saw the telltale sores on my father’s hands. He contracted the French pox soon after Jeremy was born... How much do you know of the disease?’
Frederica could only shake her head.
‘When one is first infected, sores form around their mouth and personal areas. They only last a few weeks and heal on their own, but it is just the beginning. Rashes, sores, and fever come next. Then it all goes away. Our family physician called this the latent stage. The illness has no symptoms for ten to thirty years, and then it returns for the tertiary stage, which affects your heart, blood, nerves, and brain.
‘That night I entered our London home, I saw that the sores had returned to my father’s mouth and hands. Yet he was still whoring around town, no doubt carelessly infecting others. I now understood why my mother kept rooms on the other side of the palace from my father. I left the house immediately and went straight to enlist as a common soldier. And I would have, if I had not run into Sir Alexander Gordon. He convinced me to purchase a proper commission and not a fortnight later, I was off on a boat to fight in the Peninsular War. I never completed my studies. Neither did I say goodbye to my mother or Jeremy. I just wrote a brief letter telling Mama that Father’s pox had returned.’
‘I knew about your father’s illness,’ she admitted in a low voice. ‘It was my mother’s idea that your mother tell people that the duke had had a stroke. His decline was slow and painful.’
He lowered his eyes, shaking his head. ‘Not painful enough for what he did. I should have known your mother would have told you. I suppose you deserved to know what sort of family you were marrying into.’
Frederica rolled onto her knees and threw her arms around her childhood nemesis’s neck. Leaning her cheek against his, she shook her head. ‘Neither of our mothers told me. I have always been a champion eavesdropper and I taught my little sisters all my tricks. But do not worry, I have never spoken of it to another soul. Nor will I ever betray your confidence.’
‘Does it change how you think about me?’
She blinked. ‘Your father’s choices?’
He nodded his scratchy cheek against her smooth one.
‘Of course not, silly,’ she said, pressing a kiss against his cheekbone. ‘You have always been a very different sort of man. There is no comparison between you, even if you have your father’s build and colour of hair. Besides, if you were unfaithful to me, I would not live on the other side of the house or hide in the country, I would simply shoot you.’