“I understand,” she offered. “I lost her, too.”
“I know,” I said, shooting her a lame excuse for a smile. “I should head out.”
“I’ll let Giselle know you stopped by,” she said.
“No. It’s okay. I’ll catch up with her some other time.”
Giselle
I picked at the hem of my sweater, staring down at the frayed edge.
“We can start slowly. And go at whatever pace you set.”
I glanced up, thankful that my father’s friend was able to get me in to see a therapist at his practice so quickly. Everyone knew what had happened to me, but they all felt helpless, not knowing how to help. His offer to meet with his colleague, Rachel, was actually the best thing anyone could’ve given me. I needed someone who didn’t know me—or care about me—to help me move past this. “I’ve never done this before.”
“Told a stranger all your deepest darkest secrets?” Rachel asked with raised brows.
I smiled, liking her more than I expected to. She was young—maybe thirty. She sat in a chair opposite me in her office, one that felt a lot cozier than what I’d pictured.
“Why don’t you tell me why you think you need to speak to someone like me?” she asked.
“I thought you knew,” I said.
“I know what happened. I don’t know why you came to see me,” she explained.
“Isn’t it obvious?” I asked.
She shook her head. “I know how I would react to a traumatic experience like that. But I don’t know how you did.”
“Shitty,” I admitted.
“Now, we’re getting somewhere. What does shitty look like?”
“Well, bad dreams. And, I jump any time I hear someone enter a room.”
“Do you think it’s strange that you have bad dreams?”
“Not strange, just irritating. I should be stronger than that.”
“Your subconscious doesn’t forget when it’s been through trauma. You may be able to occupy your mind with different things, but when you’re asleep, your subconscious is free to do whatever it chooses.”
“Damn subconscious.”
Rachel smiled. “I think you need to cut yourself some slack.”
“How so?”
“You’re allowed to startle when someone enters a room. You’re allowed to react. You’re human, and something unsettling happened to you. It doesn’t define you, but it will certainly affect you.”
“For how long?”
“I wish I could say, ‘one week.’ I wish I could give you a definitive end date. But it doesn’t work like that. You don’t work like that. Consider it a three-step process. You need to realize you’re safe. Then, your body needs to realize it. Finally, your subconscious needs to realize it.”
“My brother wants me to go away with him and his friends this weekend,” I explained.
“Do you want to go?”
“I don’t know.”