Shaking my head once, I shake away all thoughts of the past. No matter how sad they make me, how much I wish I could transport myself back to him, it’s time to move forward. Even if that means I’m losing a piece of myself, or rather the entire person I once was.
When I sink down next to Paul, he reaches for my hand, curling his fingers around mine before he touches his lips to my cheek. Sucking in a breath, I hold it for a moment, letting it burn inside my chest again before I let it out slowly as he speaks.
His lips shift to my ear, and then I feel his warm breath there before he speaks. I’m not sure if I should be revolted by his hot breath washing over my skin or not, but I’m not. It makes me feel sadness but not revulsion…
Which makes me feel consumed with guilt.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
LAINEY
Paul sits backbefore he takes my hand, lacing his fingers with mine. He looks over at me, his gaze searching. He’s hiding himself from me, although that’s pretty hypocritical of me because I’m hiding all of myself from him, but it feels different when it’s him. I don’t know why.
It doesn’t make any sense, but to me, right now, I sense that he’s not hiding anything innocent from me. Not that what I’m hiding from him is innocent. The fact that I love another man can’t be innocent, but it’s also not nefarious, and I’m getting despicable vibes.
“You look absolutely beautiful,” he coos.
I want to pull my hand away, but his fingers begin to move up and down, still laced with mine, and I have to admit it feels nice, sexy even. He stares at me, unblinking, and I feel as if he’s trying to look deep into my soul.
Maybe he is.
I’m not sure what he’s going to find there, but I also don’t want to ask him what he sees. Because at the end of the day, itdoesn’t matter. We’re married now, we’re starting a brand-new life, and that is all that really matters.
“Thank you,” I exhale.
“We only have to stay for an hour or so at the reception, then we can dip out.”
Dropping my chin to my chest, I look down at my lap at the thought. He wants to get the honeymoon started sooner rather than later. The taste he gave me of what he was capable of was exciting, sure, but it wasn’t Gunnar, and that’s all I can think about.
He’s the last person I should be thinking of. I should only be thinking of my husband.
Husband.
The thought of saying the word aloud makes me feel… queasy.
“Okay,” I whisper when it’s clear that he wants me to say something in response. I really don’t have anything else to add.Okayis all I can say at the moment. I’m not eager to begin the future. Not yet, at least, but it doesn’t seem to matter.
None of it does.
The car comes to a stop. Lifting my head, I turn and look over at the building. It’s a vineyard. It should be magical. There are little twinkly lights that I can see placed all over everything they can be. The sun is just beginning to set, and the dusk sky makes the lights shine a bit brighter.
I hear the driver’s door open and slam closed, then seconds later, my door opens, and the driver extends his arm, his palm facing up and waiting for me to slip my fingers inside. I place my fingers in his, and he curls his around me, gently pulling forward.
Sliding my legs over the side of the seat, I place my feet on the sidewalk and stand tall before taking a few steps forward to givePaul some room to get out of the car as well. He shifts forward, stepping up to my side.
“Are you ready?” he asks.
Tilting my head back slightly, I look up at the gorgeous building. It’s stone and glass, and I wonder if there are wooden beams inside. I’ll be able to check in a few moments, but it doesn’t stop me from wondering initially, while I stand outside here and enjoy the beauty of the building itself.
“I’m ready,” I lie, and the words come out like an afterthought.
Paul slips his arm in mine and then begins to walk. I have no choice but to follow beside him. One step in front of the other. I thought I wouldn’t care about the wedding or the reception.
I imagined it would all be just stuff, decorations, food, and cake. But I see now that there’s more to it than that. And I missed out on a lot of it. I’m not disappointed by it, though, more like excited to see what happy surprise is around the next corner. Because this venue is indeed that—a happy surprise.
The door to the building opens, and I am taken aback by the sight of the reception. If I thought the outside was decorated in a lot of twinkly lights, I didn’t know what a lot was, because inside is absolutely drenched with them, and fabric. So much white, gauzy, luscious fabric and flowers.
At least they aren’t roses. Instead, there is a mixture of all different types of white flowers everywhere, mixed in with gorgeous greenery. There are candles everywhere, too. It’s like walking into a dream.