“Being with her?” I ask.
My tongue feels heavy, and I have no doubt that I’m slurring every word I’m saying. It doesn’t matter, though. It really doesn’t fucking matter. Bullet has his opinions, but that’s all they are, and that is what they’ll stay, because it doesn’t matter.
And Shocker is dying.
Fuck.
I don’t want him to go. Shade was taken from us in a fucked-up way, but I don’t want to watch Shocker die. That’s the last thing I want, and the idea that’s what I’ll have to do makes me want to scream.
“Don’t worry about where I stick my dick,” I grind out.
Bullet doesn’t get angry. He doesn’t even change his posture or shift his feet or legs around at all. He stays exactly where he is, unmoving and completely unaffected by my drunken outburst.
“Lainey is one of ours, just like Cidney, just like Dakota. It’s important that we don’t forget that, Viking. I just want you to be aware. If you want her, take her. We’ll figure it out. But don’t fuck with each other's heads.”
“You think I’m fucking with her head?” My tone is stern and angry as fuck.
He’s not seriously coming to me with this shit in the eleventh hour. Instead of asking him that, I lift the whiskey bottle to my lips and take a pull, hissing as the amber liquid slides down my throat, burning as it goes.
“I know you’re fucking with your own head,” he states.
I think about that, about the fact that I’m fucking with my own head by continuing to be with Lainey. He’s right. As much as I say this is just to scratch an itch, just so I’ll have no regrets, just so I’ll have the taste of her that I’ve been thinking about for years.
I’m a goddamn liar.
Because I don’t just want one taste and then forget about her. I’m finding it hard to even be away from her right now. I don’t know how I’m going to watch her marry someone else and then never be with her again.
Bullet isn’t wrong, but he’s not right, either. If I confessed my desire to claim Lainey, how long would it be for? When would I get tired of it, of her? And how would everyone else view me if that were the case?
I can’t trust myself when it comes to Lainey and forever. I have nothing to back that up. My father wasn’t loyal, not to the club, not to me, not to anyone in his life. I’m trying to be the opposite of him, and maybe I’m fucking myself in the process, but that’s the price I’m willing to pay.
I think.
I can’t fuck Lainey up. I refuse to have her hate me, to have Piggy hate me, to have the entire Vicious Reapers club hate me. All because of my cock and who I stick it in. It’s not that goddamn worth it. Nothing is when it comes to family, because family is everything.
I am not my father.
I will not be him.
LAINEY
Staring at my reflection, I can’t believe the person looking back at me… is me. The dress is strapless with a slight sweetheart top.
It’s ruched at my natural waist, then flows out into an A-line princess-style ball gown that skims the floor with a short train at the back and button detailing all the way to said train.
It’s a type of structured satin fabric and looks almost like it could be liquid from a distance.
It’s beautiful.
And if I were going to be marrying someone I loved, it would be an exciting moment to be standing here looking at my reflection in a white princess ball gown, but I have never wanted to rip fabric from my body so damn fast.
“It’s perfect,” the salesgirl exclaims. “Although everything has been perfection on you. Are you ready to show the girls?” she asks.
If she says it’s perfect, then it probably is. Even if I don’t care for it. It’s probably best that I don’t love it anyway, because I don’t love the man I’ll be marrying when I wear it. And the last thing I need to do is fill my mind with thoughts about fantasies and fairy tales. Because that is not what this is.
This is a contractual agreement. And I need to keep reminding myself of that. I also need to stop feeling the need to mourn what I’m losing with Gunnar. Because I’m not losing anything. What we have is physical only. What we have is something to pass the time and to distract.
What we have is so that we know what would have been.