Lifting my glass to my lips, I take another sip of wine, though it’s a bit bigger than I anticipated, which makes me cough a few times. Standing, I walk up to her and wordlessly wrap my arms around her and give her a hug.
Holding her close, I whisper so that only she can hear me. She’s freaking been through it, and I don’t blame her for being upset with the things I’m saying. But it’s not the same situation, and she knows that. She just can’t see it yet. She will… eventually.
“I know what I’m getting involved with. I’d rather it be on my terms.”
“No,” she hisses. “No. They don’t get you, Lainey.”
Taking a step backward, I wrap my fingers around her biceps as I look into her eyes. I want her to know that I am completely serious. And that I’m not scared. That this situation isn’t her situation.
“I’m talking about giving myself to them, knowing all the things. Eyes wide open or whatever the hell that saying is.”
She shakes her head from side to side, her hair flying around as tears well in her eyes. Her gaze holds mine for a moment before her words come out in a whisper. They send a chill up my spine.
“We love you, Lainey. Everyone here loves you. Your brother loves you. All the guys do, too. Do not waste your life. They will chew you up, spit you out, and never even blink twice. But we would all be devastated.”
Her words are sweet. They’re heartfelt, and I believe them. I let them soak in, but even though I know she’s right, I also know that she’s a little bit wrong, too. She doesn’t know what it’s like. She was in her early twenties when her shit went down. She doesn’t know what it’s like to be in my position.
“I’m already wasting my life,” I state, loud enough for everyone in the room to hear me. “You’re all married or old ladies. You have babies and toddlers. You have a life. I bake pastries and bread while I watch your lives from the outside looking in.”
“Don’t,” Cidney hisses. “I thought the same thing, and now I’ve found someone who loves me, but I almost died looking for it.”
It’s not the same, but I can’t say that to her. She went through hell, absolute fucking hell. I’m never going to downplay that, because it was terrifying. But this isn’t that, not that I can say anything to her about it.
“There is nobody, Cidney. I’m lonely. I want more. I want to live.”
The words come out, and I wish I could stuff them back inside, but instead of doing that, I take another drink from my glass. I really haven’t had enough to drink. I think I need the whole bottle to get through this situation.
I can feel their pitying gazes sear my flesh. I hate it. The last thing I want from anyone is pity. Pressing my lips together tightly, I close my eyes, then reopen them. Squaring my shoulders, I suck in a deep breath and hold it for a moment before I let it out slowly.
If I’m going to do this, I’m going to have to become stronger in more ways than one. No longer can I be quiet little Lainey-Rose. I’m going to need to be able to stand up for myself and my wants.
Because at the end of the day, I’m pretty sure this is what I want to happen. It is the best thing for everyone. I know that it could mean the end of my time here in Thunder Rock, but maybe it’ll mean the beginning of something wonderful. It’s gotta be better than the mediocre I’ve got now.
“What about Viking?” Millie asks.
I almost laugh. Like, full-on cackle because the idea of Viking wanting anything to do with me at this point is just that laughable. I don’t, though, because as I look around at the women, who are still all completely focused on me, I love how their looks of pity have changed to ones of hope.
It’s nice for the moment, but I know it will change once I start speaking again. “He doesn’t want me,” I state.
“I think he does. I see the way he looks at you,” Millie argues. “It’s clear to me that he’s into you.”
“He made it clear he isn’t.”
And that is that. With those words, the expressions of pity are again focused on me. Which, of course, I hate. Lifting the glass of wine to my lips again, I take a sip. I’m ready for this conversation to be over. I don’t know what else to do or say. It seems like nobody is for this but me.
“Whatever’s going to happen is going to happen, I guess,” I say, shrugging a shoulder as I take another sip of wine. I haven’t had enough. In fact, I think I might want to get trashed tonight.Why the hell not? I have no reason to be sober other than having to get up for work in the morning.
The women continue to stare at me wordlessly, and then Posey clears her throat before she stands and walks over to me. I feel her arms wrap around me in an embrace, and I wonder if I’ve ever been hugged as much as I have tonight in all my years combined.
“It’s going to be okay,” she whispers. “If this is what you want, then you just go for it, babe. Take life by the balls and make it happen.”
She takes a step backward, then she smiles. “Okay,” Posey announces, “we’re going to drink a little, eat a little, and have some fun. No more heavy shit.”
And so the heavy shit ends, except in my head. Because even though everyone else starts chatting about whatever it is they’re chatting about, all I can do is think about the heavyshit.
VIKING
Standing in the driveway, my back to the house, I take a drag from my joint. I don’t normally smoke when I’m supposed to be working, but fuck. This shit is getting too damn real. Bullet clears his throat beside me.