We’ve reached Art’s house and the taxi pulls up across the road. ‘What did I say earlier?’
Art gets out of the taxi.
‘Now,’ he says, ‘we do our best.’
Do your best, Annie.
It’s what I tell myself the next day as I try to follow Bernard’s orders and ‘get more emotion’ out of the single line in which Sarah serves an extra glass of wine. It’s what I tell myself an hour later as I try to obey his request to make Mozzer’s long-lost friend both ‘high energy’ and ‘subdued’ within the same sentence. I worked more or less non-stop until midnight last night, but I feel like I’ve barely made any progress. And it’s not getting any better today.By noon I want to sob with rage and frustration but I’ve got to keep it together, because if I break down now, if I break down here, well, I might totally fall apart. And that simply isn’t going to happen. Not in this building.
I’m sure Bernard wants me to fail. Hewantsto break me. And I’m determined not to let him. But it’s not easy. If I felt on edge last week, well, this week I’m teetering over the abyss.
Art is all antsy too. Even with my headphones on, I can sense him pacing around the room. When my timer goes off at twenty past twelve and I stand up to stretch, he’s sitting at his desk but he’s drumming his fingers on his laptop in a manner I can only describe as a little bit manic.
I think of his blasé attitude during our first week.Well, well, well, not so chill now, are we?But that thought doesn’t give me any satisfaction at all.
He looks up at me. ‘How are you holding up?’
‘Not great.’ I try – and fail – to relax my shoulders. It feels like they’re up past my ears. ‘I’m so tense I feel like I’m going to explode.’
‘I don’t exactly feel relaxed myself,’ says Art.
I sit down again and lay my head on the desk. Maybe banging my forehead off it would release some of this anxious tension. I let out a groan.
‘McDermott?’ says Art.
‘Uh-huh?’
‘If it’d be any help,’ he says, ‘I found out where the stationery cupboard is.’
Chapter Seventeen
INT:NORTHSIDEOFFICES
A million thoughts go through my head as I look across at him. He can’t be serious. Surely he can’t be serious. But something about his expression, something about the way he’s looking at me, makes me think hecouldbe serious. Still, we can’t. Of course we can’t. I’ve never done anything like this in my life.
It’s ridiculous. It’s insane.
It’s exciting.
Fuck, despite myself the thought of it isveryexciting.
But what if we get caught? What if we get fired?
And then I think,At this point, what have we got to lose?
The stationery cupboard is situated on the far side of the lifts, at the end of a short, featureless corridor. It’s not exactly a cupboard at all, but a small, windowless room that’s clearly been used as some sort of meeting room as well as storage for printer paper and Post-its. There’s a switch in the door handle that locks the door, and once we’re inside Art flips it, walks over to the table and says, ‘Now, Ms McDermott, you’ve been here two weeks and things aren’t going very well so we really need to consider how your attitude will affect this performance review …’
‘Shut up, Arthur,’ I say, but I’m laughing as he pulls me towards him.
‘Damnit, McDermott,’ says Art. ‘Why do these ridiculous clothes of yours have so manybuttons?’
And then …
Well, then we really do have a quick shag in the stationery cupboard.
If I’d ever imagined having sex with Art or even thought about it – which I haven’t, at least not much, at least not until after the other night – anyway, if I’d ever imagined it, I suppose I’d have thought it would be very show-offy and serious and performative. Or it would be hot, angry hate-sex, screwing each other out of sheer infuriated rage. I never would have guessed it would be so … light. Sogiddy. I would never have predicted the deliciously appreciative way he looks at me as he undoes the last button, I would never have imagined the moment when he’s inside me and we meet each other’s eyes and both kind of laugh, as if we can’t quite believe what we’re doing, as if we can’t quite believe anything could be so hot and so fun at the same time. I would never, ever have thought that I’d feel so unselfconscious, so … at ease doing this with someone new for the first time.
But I do. I forget about the script and Bernard and all the stupid things that are bothering me right now and just let myself live in the moment and … take joy in it. In all of it.