The moment the long description ended, Donut shot the creature with a pair of magic missiles. The whole thing just sort of gargled and collapsed, with a pair of soccer-ball-sized holes in its chest. It fell into the dark water as ladybug pieces fell from both its mouth and the pair of massive holes in its stomach. Thewater splashed over the road and receded, leaving a sticky film over everything.
From behind, Mongo screeched.
Jesus,I thought. Donut had just one-shot a level 90 monster.
There was a lot there in that description of the manatee that I didn’t have time to figure out. The real threat right now was the destruction of the minivan. I turned my attention to the two bugbears.
“Carl, Carl, I have a weird notification,” Donut called from my shoulder.
“What is it?” I asked as I quickly searched for theTemporary Water Sourcescrolls in my inventory.
I had to attach the water spell to something solid, and I grabbed the first thing I saw from the junk pile. It was just a regular bucket I’d looted from somewhere. I pulled it out and cast the scroll, and water started gushing from it. I tossed the bucket at the large bugbear, who took it wordlessly and turned toward his smoking van. I made a second one, this time using a kitchen bowl. The smaller bowl caused the water to gush out faster, like from a fire hose. I gave the bowl to the second bugbear.
“It says it’s a special guest creature,” Donut said. “I have to choose the fate of my kill. What does that even mean? There are two choices. I can keep it dead, and I get regular experience. Or I can let the audience vote on its fate. They have thirty seconds to pick, but I don’t know what those choices are! It says I should pick the second choice because it’ll be more fun!”
“What?” I asked, with a rising sense of dread, as I watched the two bugbears dance around their van. They were making a real mess of it, despite the water. This was a late-90s Pontiac minivan painted bright red. The fire was in the engine compartment. Even if we got this thing upright again, it wasn’t going anywhere.
Still, the system hadn’t yet torched the bugbears like it had the drivers of the ladybug. With a living mount, it was clear when something was out of commission. Dead was dead. But with a vehicle...
“I picked the second choice!” Donut called. “It says ‘Results pending!’?”
The bugbear with the bowl screeched anew as his arm caught on fire. His friend turned his bucket on him, and the on-fire bugbear dropped the bowl. It spun off like a rocket, smacking against the far wall of the cave entrance and dropping into the dark water.
Thankfully, the other bugbear soon gained the upper hand, and the fire finally stopped.
The bugbear with the burned arm sat on the ground with a defeated huff. I examined him.
Radoslav. Bugbear. Level 75 Jack of All Trades.
One of three (well, now one of two) from Team Free Love.
The other one was only level 65. His name was Jasha.
Both of them were wearing tie-dyed T-shirts and beaded necklaces. Jasha had a tie-dyed headband. Neither was wearing pants. Their look reminded me of Cheech and Chong, though that look was not mirrored in their pained expressions.
Donut: THEY’RE BOTH DRESSED LIKE HIPPIES, BUT SOMETHING IS OFF. THEY’RE MORE LIKE THE HIPPIES YOU SEE ON THE PACKAGING FOR HALLOWEEN COSTUMES. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? LIKE THEY’RE UNDERCOVER COPS.
I warily eyed the bugbear sitting on the ground.
“You doing okay there?” I asked.
I met eyes with Radoslav the bugbear for the first time. I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was momentarily takenaback at the pure emotion in the NPC’s face. This guy was terrified.
“First race. First obstacle, and we’re already crashed,” he said. “Alevtina was in the back, and she broke her neck when that damn bug knocked us over.” He produced a pack of cigarettes and he pulled one out with his mouth. He offered the pack to me. I hesitated, but I declined. The other bugbear, Jasha, seemed to give up on pouring water on the van and settled next to him on the asphalt. He pulled a cigarette from his friend’s pack. Jasha produced a lighter and lit them both.
“She’s dead. I checked,” Jasha said to the other bugbear. He itched at his headband and then, with a disgusted huff, ripped it off and tossed it. On my shoulder, Donut shifted. She wanted to jump down there and take it.
“She’s dead. We’re dead,” Radoslav said, taking a deep drag. “I never thought we had a real chance anyway.”
“She did,” Jasha said, indicating the overturned van with his cigarette. “She thought we had a good chance.”
Donut jumped from my shoulder and walked up to the pair. The headband disappeared into her inventory. I suppressed a grunt of amusement.
She sniffed at Radoslav.
“I’m sorry for your misfortunes,” Donut said. “I am Princess Donut, and that is Carl. Is there anything we can do for you?”
Donut: THEY DON’T EVEN SMELL LIKE HIPPIES, EVEN WITH THE DISGUSTING CIGARETTES.