The robot took a bite of the giant meat skewer and then spat it out. He tossed the skewer on the ground. “This tastes like apostate ass.”
Eris giggled and gave the robot toy a little pat. “Say hi to Carl, my little pet.”
“Hi, Carl,” robot Uzi Jesus said. He had a single toy—at least I hoped it was a toy—Uzi in his hand, and he waved it at me. He looked about. “Oh, there’s Florin! Can we go kill him? He gave me up!”
“No, pet,” Eris said, also looking at the Crocodilian. “We need him alive. As soon as he cracks that mystery open, we’ll be done with him. Today we’re dealing with Carl.” She turned to look me up and down.
“How did you know I was married?” I asked. “And what’s the story with Britney and Ysalte?”
“I am all knowing,” she replied. “But we’re not here to talk about your wife. Or the pickaxe that may or may not eventually kill your friend and everyone you love. You have a more pressing problem, Carl, and once again, I am here ready to offer a solution.” She thumbed over at the large, now-lit C&W&U restaurant at the end of the street. “And also to give you a heads-up about that place.”
I eyed Donut, who remained hovering in midair. She had yowled just before she’d gotten frozen. She was wearing her kneepads, which meant she’d also received a notification that Eris had entered the realm. The last time she’d been unconscious.
“What does that temporary buff mean? What magical effect will become permanent?”
“Not on you, unfortunately, though you should be grateful this didn’t happen when you still had that costume on because I thought itwasadorable. This effect is for someone nearby.” She tapped her lips, then pointed to Imani. “I think Imani will be able to explain it after I leave.”
“She’s pretty banging,” robot Uzi Jesus said, also looking at Imani.
Eris patted Jesus on the head. Unlike the “real” version, his halo was attached via a wire, and it bent under her touch. “We don’t judge on appearance, little one. We judge based on the amount of rot in their soul. Remember what I taught you? Look at the color of the swirls.”
“Her swirls are pretty banging, too,” he said.
“Okay, what do you want?” I asked.
Eris turned to me, her smile vanishing instantly.
She’s insane,I thought.Insane and endlessly dangerous.
“You’re running out of time, Carl. You need to deal with your Emberus problem. Ditch him, worship me, and I will protect you from his spite. We will kill him and his brother and my half brother, too.” She spun her finger in the air. Sparkles followed. “But not yet. We have plans in motion, and we need all three.” She paused. “Their mother, too, has gotta go, but she’s a special case.”
I took a breath. “Yeah?” I said. “And what do you get out of it?”
She burst out laughing.
From her shoulder, Jesus also laughed and fired his toy Uzi in the air. It made a tiny popping noise.
“I want the Ascendent throne, Carl. I’m just playing the game. But that doesn’t mean you can’t win, too. You are an agent of chaos. You need me. And Ilikeyou. You are unpredictable, and believe me, for someone like myself, it’s a joy.”
“Okay,” I said hesitantly. “What do you want me to do?”
“Nothing just yet. I’ll tell you when to make the switch. But for now, three things need to happen. You need to make nice with Akuma and his merry band of head-exploding mages. He really does have a way to crack open the Pineapple Cabaret. He thinks it’s his exit ticket. It’s so much more than that, of course. It’s a good thing, especially to all you crawlers. The war mages will turn on you at the end, probably. But not right away. You need each other.” She shrugged. “Honestly, I don’t care what happens to them as long as the path to the Cabaret is open. Just know itisa way for some of your friends to escape. When I win the Ascendency, I can do whatever I want. I can send you and all your friends there. I can take you to the surface. I can rebuild your world, if I want. All I ask is one simple thing. You worship me. And I mean truly worship. Not just go through the motions. Such a small price to pay.”
“Uh-huh,” I said. “So you want me to do whatever this Akuma guy wants, and you want me to worship you. What’s the third thing?”
She grinned. “You need to allow me to score your surface a bit. You know, like how you sand a wall a little before you paint it? You strip off the old paint, rough it up a little. You gotta break things down before you can build them up.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
She spat into her own hand, and a large coin appeared. “Ever seen one of these? It’s a five-sided coin.”
She showed it to me. It appeared to be just a regular coin. It was about the size of a poker chip but metal. It had her laughing face on one side and a swirl on the other. “This is the base form. But now we will reveal the five sides.” She turned it again, and words and an image appeared. One side showed Donut’s face with the word “RIP.” The other side read “Carl de-feeted” spelled “F-E-E-T” with a pair of bloody, severed feet. She flipped it again, and it changed to a pile of dead bodies with the caption “Most of my friends are dead.” She flipped it one more time. It showed me hanging upside down by one foot from the branch of a tree, though I had a smile on my face. The edges of the coin were filled with player-killer skulls. It read, “I become what they accuse me of.”
“Wait,” I said, panic rising. “What are you doing? What does that mean?”
“Before the Ascendent is chosen, one of these four results has to happen.” She handed the coin toward Jesus. “If you would be so kind as to flip this for me? We don’t want Carl thinking I had my hand on the scale.”
“Wait,” I said again. That rushing feeling had returned, only it felt like it was all rushing around me all at once. On my chest, the long-dormant Eye of the Bedlam Bride was open, burning a hole in my shirt.