“I don’t know,” I said. “I’m still caught up on that one biscuit that makes it so your pet doesn’t talk. Do you think it’s too late for me to give it to Donut?”
“That’s not funny, Carl. This is serious. The next time you have a question, you can always ask me. I am an expert when itcomes to things like this. If you wish, I can compile a list of rules to live by to help you get by. Rule number one will be ‘Don’t use magic to make someone fall in love with you.’ It’s creepy.”
“But you have that Love Vampire skill. That makes mobs literally fall in love with and die for you. Your entire build is charisma and charm based.”
“That’s different. Rule number two is to stop arguing with me. Now, listen. We will talk every day, and you can ask me any questions you have. Do you understand?”
“Yes. Of course. Of course. Thank you, Donut.”
Jurgen finally returned to the table, his arms full of drinks. “What did I miss?”
[ 17 ]
“What does this button do?”Bucket Boy the Crocodilian asked nervously. We’d just both come from the safe room, and the moment he sat in the driver’s seat, he started touching things. He reached to press the big red button.
“Stop,” I called. “Don’t touch that unless I say so. That engages the spider legs.”
“What about the chair? I gotta push it back or my snout will touch the front glass shield. Do I need to be able to reach these pedal things?”
I opened the passenger-side door and placed my feet inside, standing so I could reach the top of the truck. I was going to attempt to rip the front of the tommy gun off the roof with my bare hands.
We had about fifteen minutes. Donut was in the back of the truck, grumbling as she cleaned up all the spilled frozen food. Apparently, the freezer had a never-ending supply of frozen chicken patties, French fries, and tater tots, and both Mongo and Rend had been helping themselves.
“Both of you,” Donut said, “I must warn you, the GPS...”
Get your scaly little hands off my buttons, or I’ll lead you into a swamp and drown you like a basket of ugly puppies.
The words appeared on the screen, and they spoke out loud in the truck at the same time, like a modified system message.
“... doesn’t like being touched,” Donut finished.
Bucket Boy shrieked and pulled his hand back from where he’d been about to touch the dials.
“Her name is Dr. Metcalf,” Donut added.
Christ, we don’t have time for this.“The GPS? The GPS is named Dr. Metcalf? That’s the same name as?—”
“Miss Beatrice’s therapist, yes. I know. It’s not really her. I asked.”
“God, I hope not,” I said, suddenly remembering the one and only time I’d met the very expensive “alternative” therapist. The therapist who’d turned out not to be a real doctor at all. Whenever I was reminded of that whole episode, my head still ached from the trust-fall thing she’d made me and Bea do.
“Anyway, Dr. Metcalf has her controls set as she thinks best, and I believe we should listen to her,” Donut said.
Donut: SHE HAS BIG MEAN-GIRL, NARCISSIST ENERGY, SO WE MUST BE NICE TO HER.
I sighed, and then out loud, I said, “Bucket Boy, don’t touch the GPS. She knows best, and we trust her to do the right thing.” I paused, and then I added, “Besides, if we lose, weallget killed, including her.”
“Why did I volunteer for this?” Bucket Boy asked miserably.
“Hey, Donut,” I asked, “did you get the device from Hedy?”
“I did,” she said. She pulled open a cabinet, and a whole slew of paper plates and plastic utensils slid out. “Carl, look at this mess Rend made!”
Our mechanic had spent the last few hours designing the Donut drive system, which was janky as hell. It now sat inDonut’s inventory. I was going to attempt to refine it after this race. It was basically a lever system that attached to the steering wheel, and it allowed Donut to steer by rocking back and forth. It had sticks that hit the pedals. It looked like something straight from a goblin workshop on the first floor.
Which was why we now had Bucket Boy driving instead.
As it was, I knew there was going to be a learning curve for Bucket Boy. If we survived this race, everyone on the team was going to spend all their free time playing driving games.