Imani:Check in! Check in! Elle got turned into a goblin! Jacobus is a starfish! I had to drop splooge on him to keep him alive!
Elle: This is so goddamn weird.
Florin: We’re all good. Looks like Louis and Britney are the same, too.
Prepotente: Neither Jurgen nor I were changed, and we both received a notification that we were protected. My theory was correct. Just like the high elves in their castle, my Apito memorial crystal protects me and anyone in the same building or mount as myself. My Apito crystal now says it’s 11.1% charged.
Chris: I got turned into a werewolf, but I’m in human form.
Donut: A DACHSHUND! CARL GOT TURNED INTO A DACHSHUND! THIS IS A NIGHTMARE!
“Carl, put that thing away! Why is your wiener hanging out! It’s disgusting! We don’t have time for you to be disgusting!”
I had, indeed, turned into a long-haired dachshund. A wiener dog. I suddenly had the overwhelming urge to start licking my own balls, but I snapped myself out of it.
“Oohh, I like you as a doggy, Carl,” Samantha said.
“Samantha! You’re not listed as a mercenary!” My voice sounded ridiculous. It was more high-pitched, and I suddenly had a German accent for no goddamned reason. “You won’t be allowed to pass over the starting line!”
“You better add me, then. Who else is going to drive? Jamal is not very good.”
“Jamal is most certainly ready to drive!” Jamal said. “I would wish for someone to turn Jamal around, and I will attempt driving with my legs. Maybe my mouth.”
“You’re too big, Jamal!” Donut said. She turned to Samantha. “I added you as a driver.”
“Scheiße,”I said.
I couldn’t drive. I didn’t have goddamned thumbs. My legs were ridiculously short. This felt so weird. I felt strangely woozy, the scent of everything was suddenly overwhelming, and, like Donut had noticed, my wang was just hanging out of its sleeve for no reason. It dangled out the leg of my boxers. I had no control over it.
Like with the kangaroo costume, I still wore my boxers, but they had resized themselves and sat awkwardly on my hips. My kneepads remained, tiny on my back legs. My jacket and cloak also remained, as did my bandanna, which hung around my neck. None of my rings remained. My xistera had unequipped itself, as had my gauntlet.
“Donut, get your driving apparatus out!”
Neither Osvaldo nor Dwight appeared to have been affected. Neither had their mounts. It didn’t appear that any mounts had been hit with the attack.
During all of this, a notification had appeared, almost lost in the chaos, but I saw it now, saw the implications, and then I finally did have an idea. I now knew why the AI had made this last heat four hours. I knew why it was allowing us to leave thestarting blocks. It knew. It anticipated. As terrible as this was, it was giving us an out.
Your Mercenary Pontiff has left the playing field and is no longer considered a mercenary. You will no longer be charged.
I started to type in chat, but the interface was different, and when I first tried it, all I did was start furiously barking.
“Carl, I will not have you doing that!” Donut shrieked as she pulled the driving system out of her inventory. It clicked into place. I had not practiced with this. This was a terrible idea.
“Heisa dog,” Samantha said. “I hope it’s permanent. We’ll have to change his name, of course. And get him neutered.” She gasped. “Or maybe not. It’s too bad Orthrus is also a boy. Maybe we can talk that bitch Diwata into doing a gender change on one of them. Can you imagine how cute the puppies would be?”
“Samantha,” I said, trying to wrangle the accent away, “grab the steering wheel with your mouth. Donut, you work the pedals. I’m controlling the weapons! Dr. Metcalf, I’m gonna need your help. But wait a second. Don’t worry about actually driving yet. Donut, plan Hurry Up!”
“Planwhat? What plan is that? Carl, you turning into a dog has made you an idiot!”
“Goddamnit. Plan Hurry Up! No, not ‘hurry up.’ ‘Hurry Up,’ but in German.”
“Oh, you mean planMach Schnell? Why didn’t you say so?”
“Yes, that one!”
Donut was suddenly all business. “Okay, Carl, I’m ready. Roll down the window. Wait. Someone with thumbs roll down the window! Why isn’t this an automatic window? It won’t let me break the glass until the heat starts! Jamal!”
“I cannot reach!” Jamal cried. “I am quite snug!”