“He died a long time ago. It’s been thirty-five years. That’s a long time to be alone.” She shook her head.
“The reason I’m telling you this now is because I have a family again. And not only a family but a fan club. Who would’ve thought little ol’ me would have so many perverts lusting after her again? I mean, don’t get me wrong. Every one of those degenerates in Elle’s Snow Cones really needs their heads checked. But those guys, the Snow Cones, they formed a community of their own. They areverytight-knit.” She turned to Linus, and she started floating toward him. “So tight-knit, in fact, that they knew an impostor the moment he stepped into the dungeon.”
A look of panic washed over Linus. “What’re you talking about?”
Elle gave a bitter laugh. “You guys keep trying to come in here and kill us. But you just don’t understand. This is our house now.”
“Wait,” Linus said, stepping back. His barely corporeal form backed into me. I put my hand on his shoulder, careful not to squeeze too tight.
“The real Linus, before this floor started,” Elle continued, “posted an essay on a private server he shared with some close friends. Those same friends just posted it on the Princess Posse server. I’m guessing you haven’t seen it. But this is a quote fromit. He wrote, ‘I don’t think I ever really thought of them as real people until I understood how much they loved each other. It was like a lightning bolt right to the receptors. What are we doing? They’re just like us. It makes me realize how much I miss my own family. Especially my big brother. I miss him so much.’?”
Donut: THE FULL QUOTE FROM THE REAL LINUS ALSO HAD A WHOLE PARAGRAPH OF FAN FICTION ABOUT HOW HE WISHED ELLE WOULD IMPREGNATE HIM WITH HUMAN-HEADED ALIEN BABIES. HE DREW A PICTURE.
Carl: Not right now, Donut.
“Fuck,” Linus said, sagging under my grip. It was over, and he knew it. “Did he really write that?”
“He did,” Elle said.
“Fuck,” Linus said again. “Fuck. He never wrote me.”
Donut gasped. “So youarethe brother! That was the big theory, but nobody knew for sure. Some people thought you were actually a Valtay agent, but WriggleInDew2023, who is the vice president of the team Mongo Mommies Valtay chapter and a street team member of the Snow Cones, said there was no way. She’ll be very happy to learn she was correct. What happened to your brother? His friends are really concerned.”
Linus just lowered his head, and he started to sob.
Donut gasped again. “You killed him? You killed your own brother to get to Elle!”
“It wasn’t me,” Linus said. “They just brought me in after he was already dead.”
“He did write you,” Elle said. “At least he said he did. He posted the letter in the chat, had his friends offer him tips. Your mom sounds like a real peach.”
“How did you not know how your own brother acted?” Donut demanded. “If I was in Carl’s body, nobody would ever know. It’s not hard. I would just act all broody and punch everything. Youscrewed this up so bad, half the alien internet figured it out five minutes after you arrived. You leaned too hard into the sex stuff, I think. You should know internet perverts rarely say that stuff out loud. His friends were all appalled. And then one noticed your tattoo was wrong. My goodness, you could’ve at least taken acting lessons first. You’re worse than Prepotente. No offense. And to make matters worse, you don’t even know the first thing about how the dungeon works. Honestly, it’s quite insulting.”
“My acting is top-notch!” Prepotente objected. He turned to Louis. “It’s good, isn’t it?”
“Uh,” Louis said.
Linus sagged even further. “I never really watched the show. Just the news about it. There wasn’t time to prepare. Can you... can you send the letter he wrote to me?”
Elle patted him on the opposite shoulder. “Don’t worry about it. From what we hear, it’s all over the tunnels. Up until this moment, the only person in the galaxy who didn’t know you were outed as a spy is you. Also, just so you know, you pretending to accidentally drop the poison in the tea wouldn’t have worked anyway. You don’t understand how our healers work. Everyone who drank your tea has an immunity. For most of us, those teapots are flashing red.” She shook her head. “Goddamned amateur.”
I let out a laugh. “That’s how we know you’re not talking to anybody on the outside. I imagine your commanding officer has been going crazy watching you make mistake after mistake. We’ve been waiting for you to make a move for a few days now.”
“Who was your target? Carl? Donut?” Imani demanded.
Linus laughed bitterly. His mannerisms were completely different now. Despite what Donut said, he reallyhadbeen a fantastic actor.Ihad been fooled, at least.
The soother looked up, eyes wet. “Carl? Are you kidding? I may not have watched the show, but even I know he’s thelast person they want taken out. He’s the best chance we got to survive this because he’s the one most likely to get everyone killed. They thought losing the cat would make him too volatile, too unpredictable, and probably get him killed too fast, so she wasn’t the target, either. No, Imani, the target wasyou. And my secondary target was pork chop over there.” He thumbed over his shoulder at Louis.
“Me?” Louis asked, incredulous. “What did I do?”
I squeezed my hand a little tighter, and I felt the softness. If he ran, he’d physically slip through my fingers.
“You can’t hurt me,” Linus, or whatever his real name was, said, his voice quavering. “I was just following orders.”
“No,” I agreed, leaning in. “Ican’t hurt you. But I think you might’ve missed the point of what Elle was trying to say. What we’ve been saying this whole time. You keep trying to divide us. Don’t you realize what you’ve created? We have been tempered in the fires of hell, and we are now past the point of being broken. Your downfall has already been written in the stars. You may hurt us. You may kill us all. But it’s not going to matter. Don’t you realize?Don’t you realize?”
My hand squeezed so tight, it popped through the illusion of his skin. It didn’t hurt him, but it now appeared as if my fist was inside his neck.