“I told you to put your seat belt on!” Donut cried as the toad hit the road, causing the trapdoor to yawn open. The automaton disappeared into the darkness.
[ 50 ]
In seconds,the driverless truck was past the hidden trapdoor, and we continued forward along the wall as Donut shrieked for the camel to grab the wheel. But before he could, we reached a turn in the wall, and the truck ran off the edge. We dropped, then hit the ground hard, crunching loudly and sliding before we bobbed up and righted ourselves like a boat. Two of the spider legs were suddenly smoking and broken, but we continued on our way, moving at an angle toward the entrance to the lazy river, occasionally mowing over wide-eyed gingers standing there on the concrete ground as they queued up to enter the water.
We’d done it. We’d moved past the hidden entrance to the basement. But we still weren’t in the lead. We had one trick left.
“Hurry!” Donut shrieked at the camel, whose hoof slammed painfully into my crotch as he attempted to move into the driver’s seat. He drooled black-and-green slime as he shoved himself into the seat, the steering wheel tight against his chest. The engine revved as his hoof scrambled for the proper pedals.
“He’s too big!” Donut cried.
Praying this didn’t count as driving, I reached down and grabbed the slider control at the bottom of his seat, and I pressedagainst the camel’s chest, pushing him back as far as the seat would go. I pressed too hard, and my hand went all the way into his chest, and I felt organs squish under my palm.
Joel the camel gasped as I pulled back.
“Gah,” I cried, shaking my hand. It was covered in black goo.
“Why did you do that?” Donut yelled as I wiped my hand on the seat. Dorota started to loudly complain.
The seven-foot-tall undead camel didn’t seem affected by the new hole in his chest. He was still too big for the seat, but at least he could now move with the chair back. He slammed the brakes, causing us all to crash forward against the dash before settling.
Donut started shouting instructions on how to disengage the spider legs and inflate the tires. We had mobs coming at us from all angles.
Florin: Approaching the loop. I was wrong. The Lady Dominators are behind me, and they’re trading blows with the unicorn team. The gnu is also trying to do the loop, but we just passed them. I’m going to... Fuck!
Carl: What?
Florin answered, but before I could read it, the second clockwork Olga, who was still in the back of the truck near the pile of weapons, timed out, exploding in clockwork parts. The detonation blew the back door open, causing loose pots and pans to spill out onto the path. I took a small amount of damage.
The massive pile of weapons, all connected via chains, rattled ominously, but they remained where I’d tied them up.
The camel groaned as he finally figured out the controls and angled us toward the river. There was a large blinking sign that read “Enter Here.” It featured artwork of a red-eyed sloth taking a rip from a bong.
The river was full of gingers floating along in inner tubes. Somewhere in that mess would be Maurice the boss. We didn’thave time to find him, so we were going to try to kill them all at once.
I read Florin’s set of messages.
Florin: Lucia cast a spell that left a brick wall on the track, which pretty much stopped the gnu and the womantaur team. The unicorn went right over it.
There were more messages, including one from Tran, but I waved them away. We needed to focus on this race. I moved to the next one from Florin.
Florin: Speeding up now to do the loop. That damn bush thing is fast as a horny cheetah. They’re right on our tail.
I turned to look at the giant loop that dominated the lower half of the park. Satan, too, had turned his giant dark eyes on the attraction. His nose seemed to quiver in anticipation.
Ahead, the onboarding area of the River of Sloth loomed. There was a raft sitting there, waiting for us. Supposedly we’d drive onto the raft, and it would float down the river, making it so we didn’t have to drive. The distance wasn’t far, especially since we only had to traverse a moderately short part of the river, but the implication was that the rafts crawled along the river at an excruciatingly slow pace.
It was relatively safe, minus the extra-violent gingers floating in the river or at their base camp just around the corner.
Imani: We just killed our version of Maurice in the slums. He wasn’t a human, but an orangutan. So be careful. The prize was an engineer! He had him tied up, and we got him! Almost to the exit.
Louis: We’re almost out, too! Bodi is the best driver ever!
“Carl!” Donut called as we rolled toward the raft.
I’d already eaten Mehmet’s page fromCarl’s Book of Boom, and I prepared theGutter Bumperspell.
“Casting now!” I yelled.