It’s an impossible nightmare, being in a relationship with someone like that. Someone who pretends to love you so hard at the beginning, who gets to know your deepest darkness and pretends to love you for it. But secretly, deep down, they’re working out how to shrink you until you’re a husk, an empty soulless void—just like them.
And the worst part is, it’s such a specific kind of grief—grieving something that looked like love, but wasn’t. Grieving the person I thought he was, knowing that person never actually existed. I’ve never been able to grieve him properly, because there’s no real him to grieve. Instead, I’ve been grieving a fiction—a character he played to get what he wanted from me. Until there was almost nothing left of me at all.
And that’s a specific kind of devastation. No wonder it haunts my dreams, leaving me screaming.
Because the beautiful, carefree times at the beginning—theyfeltreal, because they were for me.Myjoy was real.Mylove was real.Myhope was real.
His wasn’t.
I loved him with my whole fucking heart, and he wasn’t even there to receive it. He was performing. Calculating. Waiting. The entire time.
I sigh, because it’s better than crying. Better than allowing the avalanche of emotion that threatens to overwhelm me, and then try to explain it all to a jealous, possessive man. The one who is actually right beside me.
Soren frowns at me. “Were you thinking about him?Dreamingabout him?!” His voice is rising.
“No–Soren, I—” My words trail off, because I don’t know what to say. I don’t have the energy to figure it out.
“Don’t lie to me, Ivy—I heard you calling out his name!”
“It was a nightmare, Soren! I can’t control that!” My own voice raises. He’s exasperating. And if I try to talk him through ithonestly, he’s going to become fixated on making sure I’m ‘cured’. He’s always trying to fix everything.
“You still want him, don’t you?” He sneers. “You’re still in love with him. Aren’t you?” He grabs me by both shoulders and shakes me. “Just admit it, Ivy—it’s the least you could do!”
I cower away from him. “No, Soren,” I say quietly. “Sometimes my trauma processes while I’m asleep. And yes, I have nightmares about him. It’s complicated. But I promise it’s not because I want to be with him. Far from it.”
As if sensing my fear, he pulls me to him, my head tight to his chest. “I’m so sorry, baby. That must be really hard,” he says, his voice gentle, his tone back to normal. “I’ll make sure you never have to think about him again.”
He pauses, grabbing my chin with his thumb and forefinger, forcing me to meet his gaze.
“Your dreams—and your nightmares—will only be about me from now on. I’ll make sure of it.”
Suddenly, everything feels hollow. And all I want to do is drift off into a deep, deep sleep.
CHAPTER 51
IVY
Iwake up alone. The room is still dim, the light not yet fully through the blinds, and his side of the bed is empty. He must be in his office already.
I lie there for a moment, checking in with my body before I'm fully conscious. The soreness is still there—low, persistent—the kind that comes from being used thoroughly.
Usually that registers as something good, but this morning it doesn't quite land that way. I don't think about it too hard, just notice it.
And I notice something else, too. A quiet. Not outside, because outside is the same low hum it always is.
Inside.
In my chest.
A stillness that feels different from the settled calm I've been living in. And this one has edges.
I push myself up slowly, moving through my morning routine without thinking too much about it. Bathroom. Water. Get dressed. It's while I'm pulling on my shoes that the thought surfaces, clear and simple.
I need to leave. Now.
I hate how my brain works sometimes. I let things soften until I can’t feel the edges anymore. And then it hits all at once, and they all find their shape again. Realizing what hasn’t been right or okay all along.
An icy tendril of panic spiders its way down my core, like cold fingers tapping on each vertebra. I’ve felt this sensation before, right before I found the courage to escape the man who nearly destroyed me.