I don’t have to decide. I don’t have to question. I don’t have to get it wrong, when there’s no opportunity to do so.
I just follow.
And that feels better than it should.
ANONYMOUS:
I’m coming back.
They think they understand what I am.
They don’t.
You do.
You’re the only one who ever really did.
That’s why this isn’t over.
You don’t get to walk away from something like that and pretend it didn’t happen.
You don’t get to belong to someone else.
Not after me.
I’ll see you soon.
CHAPTER 44
IVY
Idrift through the apartment without realizing I’m doing it. There’s no conscious choice, just my feet carrying me from room to room.
In the hallway, I pause beside the decorative table, my eyes flicking to the small pile of mail he left, stacked just so. A low hum of absence presses behind my ribs, a gentle pull at my core I can’t ignore. It takes a heartbeat before I recognize the cue, before I slip back toward where he is.
He’s exactly where I expect—in the kitchen doorway, shoulders brushing the cool doorframe, one of his large hands engulfing a steaming espresso mug. Wisps of coffee-scented vapor curl into the air.
When I step into the soft kitchen light, his gaze lifts, steady and immediate, like he’s felt me cross the room long before I arrived.
“There you are,” he says, his voice smooth and even, rumbling against my skin as he pulls me to him.
My chest loosens, the quiet ache evaporating in an instant. Idon’t question it. I simply stay in place for a while, enjoying his proximity.
After his coffee is done, Soren retreats to get some work done, and I go and sit in the living room while I prepare for a meeting later in the day.
I reflect on the latest anonymous message I received. It’s a little different from the previous ones—not guessing, not stretching to tell me what he thinks I’ve been doing. It’s more simple. And it’s less guessing, moretelling—that he’s going to be here soon.
I look him up online, and it confirms he’s in custody. Nothing has changed about his sentence.
Magical thinking was always kind of his thing—something I got swept up in at the start of our relationship. His visions for a shared future so compelling that I fell for it completely. So that’s probably what this is… him telling himself that he will be out—will be near me—soon.
As unrealistic as it is, it still sends a shiver down my spine. The day he gets out will likely start the counter to a death sentence for me. Even though I’m not the reason he’s in there—the actual reason being his own actions and the numerous other people he’s hurt—I know he blames me, and he always will.
I still have to bring up the last one to Soren. The whole being canceled thing kind of shut that down. And now there’s another. One of my cheeks clenches involuntarily, as if reminded of what happened last time I didn’t speak up and share my secrets. Then again, it kind of makes me want to not tell him again.
I smile to myself.When did I become so fucked up?
Later, I find him in a quieter alcove off the hall—an office he’s never shown me before. The room he stormed into the last time I angered him, after he taught me a lesson. The door’s ajar just enough for a pale glow to seep into the corridor.