She thinks I’m going to die.She thinks Timmy will kill me.
The enormity of those words presses on my chest. Amanda has always been straight-talking, but seeing her fears laid bare feels suffocating. And yet… it’s not entirely surprising.
Timmy has beenbetterlately—apologetic, promising to change. He’s gone two whole days without yelling or doing something cruel. Isn’t that a start? Doesn’t progress take time?
Each day, I peek at the email again, but I can’t bring myself to read it all. Every time I try, it feels like the words might swallow me whole.
But Amanda’s voice echoes in the back of my mind, steady and firm.
Finally, I steel myself and open it.
I think by now that you know, Margaux, that I care about you very much and that Roger and I are very concerned about you and for you.
So I am going to be very blunt with what I am saying to you.
That’s the setup that makes it hard to keep going, but I appreciate her honesty.
Whatever way you choose to hear and react to what I am saying, it will not change the way I feel about you, and that I want you to be part of my life and I yours.
I love my sister so much.
Margaux—you are in an abusive, controlling, manipulating, violent relationship with a person that you cannot and never will be able to change or help.
The words hit me hard.
Of course, I know she’s right. Timmy’s promises to change only come when I’m ready to leave, and they’re never consistent. He’s always said heneedsme to be better, that he can’t change without me by his side.
But Amanda sees through that.
The only person that can help Timmy is himself, and a very long stint in a rehabilitation program, and even then, the chances for him to remain drug-free are slim.
The work required by Timmy for immense change within himself is huge, and requires a rehabilitation program for a start of at least 6 weeks.
She’s right again.
I’ve tried to convince Timmy to start therapy and attend AA meetings, and he’s promised he would.
But six weeks? Timmy doesn’t stick to anything for more than six days.
It requires determination, the fierce desire to improve, and a strength that does not come from oneself but from a connection with God, Divine, Source—whichever name you wish to call it.
I sigh.
Timmy talks a lot about wanting to be better. But he has no impulse control and no executive function. Timmy’s connection to anything spiritual is nonexistent.
He can barely connect to reality most days.
Unfortunately, Margaux, you are enabling Timmy.
Each time you stay or come back after being abused, you are basically letting Timmy know that you are okay with being whacked around and mistreated in this way.
Ouch. That one stings. I’m notokaywith being hurt.
I tell him it’s wrong, and he promises it won’t happen again. And for a little while, it doesn’t.
He’s so convincing, showing me glimpses of the man I fell for.
But those moments of peace always dissolve into chaos.