I message my Emotional Support Alice:
Me:
I’m so confused right now. The high highs and low lows are too much to deal with.
I haven’t felt the way I have about Timmy about anything else
It makes me wonder if anything I felt previously was love.
But do people who love you give you skull fractures? No, probably not.
Would it kill me to see him with someone else? It would hurt like fuck, but I’d live.
Will I live with his current behavior? No. He’ll most likely kill me or put me in a situation where someone else does.
He has started therapy and medication and is going to start AA group meetings and started a part-time job last week.
But last night he got me locked up and is planning a mass slander case against me.
My brain is all over the place.
Alice:
There will never be a high high enough to justify a low that resulted in a skull fracture.
What if he’d used just 3lbs more pressure that day? Or even 1?
Me:
My brain is going ‘Oh, maybe you got the skull fracture from XYZ thing instead of Timmy,’ even though I know that’s not the case.
Alice:
You didn’t.
He’s a violent person with good moments.
And you loved him. Love has incredible blinders.
She’s right.
Me:
It’s actually helping me that I can see his location on my phone.
Because I can see how he’s behaving while I’m not there.
Last evening, he was with the drug people and then he went home. He’s already back with them.
I guess he must have quit or lost his job after 1 week.
And seeing that he normally doesn’t get out of bed before 11AM when he’s not working makes me see there’s some massive problem with him.
He’s supposed to work 8AM-12PM M-F, and that’s the only time I’ve seen him up before 9AM.
And here he is with the drug people before 9AM when I’m not there.
Wow.