His answers reassure me, at least on the surface, but that tiny gesture between them keeps playing on repeat in my head. I guess she might just be one of those people that gesticulates freely whenshe talks.I do that too, I tell myself. But it was so oddly specific.Maybe I’m reading into it.
Later in the evening,the thought still gnaws at me, small and persistent, like a splinter.
“You’re sure you didn’t get her number?” I have to ask, hoping I’ll feel better if he reassures me one more time.
His smile drops, his features darkening. “Oh my god, you’re still going on about that?” His voice sharpens. “Can you please just move the fuck on?”
His reaction stings. “I’m sorry,” I frown back, my cheeks heating with shame. “I just can’t stop thinking about it, and I’m trying to be open and honest with you rather than me being upset and you not knowing why.”
He sighs deeply, rubbing his hands down his face like I’m exhausting him. “Well, you need to get over it,” he says flatly. “I didn’t get anyone’s number. I wouldn’t.”
I nod, trying to believe him. “Promise?”
“Yes. Jesus Christ, Margaux. Please, just stop. If I knew you were going to be this jealous and insecure, I never would have pursued anything with you.”
“Okay, sorry,” I say, his words landing like a slap, sharp and stinging. I sink back onto the bed, disappointment hanging heavy in my chest. I hate that I let this spiral out of control. Ishouldtrust him. He’s right—this kind of paranoia isn’t me.
“I just thought I saw something, but I guess I was mistaken,” I mumble, my voice small. “Let’s just watch a movie.”
Timmy softens, at least a little. “Yeah, let’s do that.” He pulls me closer, his arms draping over my shoulders as if to seal the moment shut. He’s attentive for the rest of the evening, skipping the rest of his smoke breaks for the night. I don’t bring it up again, and I try to let it go.
As we sit there, though, the gnawing feeling in my stomach won’tentirely fade. I already feel like I nagged him about it. I’m disappointed in myself, and hate that I mentioned it more than once. He told me he didn’t get her number, and I need to trust him.
Besides, he makes sure I’m always with him. He takes me to work. He calls me during breaks on the rare occasion he goes without me. He texts me whenever I’m out of his sight. Hell, he never even leaves me alone in the apartment for more than a few minutes, barging in when I shower or use the bathroom.
There’s logically no time for him to cheat. And he’s always saying how much he loves me, how great things are between us. He asked me to marry him because his feelings are so strong. His logic makes sense—why would he fuck this up when we’re having so much fun?
I need to calm down, swallow my doubts. There’s no way he got that girl’s number. I’m just being jealous and insecure and weird, and I’m sure it’s wildly unattractive. I need to nip it in the bud now, because that’s not the type of person I am.
Maybe I’m just acting this way because I care so much about him. Maybe it’s just fear—fear of losing something so special.
But deep down, a small voice whispers:That hand gesture wasn’t nothing. You saw what you saw.
I push it down, forcing myself to breathe through the anxiety.
Enjoy this, enjoy us, I remind myself.
Because most of the time,usis pretty fucking awesome. He makes me laugh. He makes me feel adored. He’s different from anyone I’ve been with before, and I need to focus on that. I can’t let my mind ruin something that could be beautiful.
I snuggle closer to Timmy, burying my doubts deep. Tomorrow I’ll be better, I’ll be calmer. This isn’t who I am.
Everything is fine. It has to be.
53
21
Dex
It was only when she turned 21 that I began to see her in a slightly different light.
She was suddenly mature, beautiful. Not that she hadn’t always been beautiful, but I guess I’d just never looked at her like anything more than Danny’s kid sister.
But something about the night of her 21st… maybe it was the way she looked in her gold gown that set off her red hair. I’m sure that had something to do with it. But she was just so happy, full of joy, really coming into her own. And it stirred feelings inside of me that I didn’t expect.
But out of a healthy respect for her and her brother, I stayed away.
I didn’t want to come off as some old creep. And if there’s one thing about me, I’m loyal as fuck. Sure, her brother and I have had our issues.