He even encourages me to enjoy myself. “You deserve it,” he says, wrapping his arm around me as we sway to the music.
In this moment, I start to believe that maybe there’s real hope for us. Maybe he’s turning a corner. Maybe this time, his promises will stick.
His actions, though small, are beginning to align with his words. I remind myself that growth takes time. Maybe love is about seeing the effort, even when the progress is slow.
And for now, I see effort. I feel love. I feel hope.
95
WHO IS BEING PLAYED?
Just after my birthday, I feel compelled to look at his phone again.
And I’m glad I do, because I see that just over a month earlier he texted the tragic girl that wouldn’t leave him alone. As in, while he and I were together.
Timmy:
Yo ho.
I’m out of jail and miss you.
I was bitter that you flew back then dipped… but I was being a dick and sorry
I hope everything is good and my phone has drowned so call Matty.
K love you bye bye.
If you need any of your stuff tell Matty to get a hold of me.
My stomach once again sinks like a stone, my chest feelingcrushed. I retch.
From what I can see, she didn’t reply directly to his messages.
Four days later, she’d sent him a video. A random GIF, not at all suggestive.
For someone he apparently can’t stand, who he says he kicked out of his place, things just aren’t adding up. Did he actually kick her out for being ‘annoying’, or did she leave and he’s bitter about it? Both can’t be true at the same time. He told me one thing, and texted her another.
I feel upset, I feel betrayed. And I also feel like maybe that’s what I deserve for going through his phone. But, he said I could, and if he went through my phone he’d never find anything like this.
The difference is that I mean what I say and am open about things, and yet he seems to live in a world of deception and lies.
I confront him about it.
“What the fuck, Timmy?” I hold out his phone.
He looks at the message and seems genuinely surprised. “I don’t even remember sending that. I don’t know why I’d even send that to her because it makes no sense. That’s not what happened. I kicked her out, she didn’t dip out on me. I must have been drunk to send that. I just wanted her to pick up her fucking suitcase because it’s been here for ages and has caused enough problems between us already. I just wanted it gone.”
“You said you kicked her out for being annoying, but now you miss her? And you’re sad thatsheleft? After you fucked her?”
“Well no. I don’t miss her at all. She’s a pain and I don’t like spending time with her. But I guess I was trying to be nice, and I figured you can attract flies with honey. If I sent her that, I figured she might finally come and pick her suitcase up.” He shrugs. “And, as you know, she did end up picking it up right after I got out of jail. So it’s not an issue anymore.”
I feel sick, but I also feel sick at myself for being in a relationship where I feel compelled to check my partner’s phone on the regular. But it’s because of the way he’s behaving. Sure, I’ve taken a peek at prior partners’ phones here and there in the past, just in case. But Timmy just seems to embellish and withhold information, and it’s inmy nature to need to be well-informed. It’s also a protection mechanism. I don’t trust this situation between him and this person he allegedly can’t stand.
“You still messaged her behind my back.”
“Sorry, again, like I keep saying, I must have sent it to her when I was drunk. And I was just trying to figure out a way to convince her to get her stuff. I try to be nice to people. I figured that was better than saying ‘hey bitch, pick up your things or I’ll throw them out on the street.’ He rolls his eyes, as if I’m inconveniencing him by asking for the truth. As if I’m being the unreasonable one.
“By changing the course of history in your text? Did you actually kick her out, or did she leave you? Please be honest.”