I love him. God help me, I do. But I also know, deep down, that loving him might be the most dangerous thing I’ve ever done.
Every timewe notice cops driving past, of which there are many, he’ll turn us in the opposite direction or pull me toward him so our faces are obscured. It takes me back to the first day he kissed me, when he said a cop was going past and pulled me to him.
What the actual fuck? I moved here for the quiet life and to enjoy the beach, and now I’m not allowed to be out and about with my fiancé on this beautiful island. It feels like we’re Bonnie and Clyde,running from the cops, hiding in the shadows, and creeping around corners. But in this case, I didn’t do anything wrong.
One time I’m in the grocery store alone, near Matty’s house, when I notice three cops enter the store. I resist the urge to run out of there because I realize it would only serve to draw their attention. Instead, I put my head down, and go on about my shopping. As I exit, I take a deep breath and exhale slowly. Surely they don’t know everyone that has a restraining order by sight. Having bright red hair doesn’t help, but at least I’m wearing a cap. Note to self: maybe don’t wear the leopard-print overalls and bright pink bikini top I was wearing when he was arrested. It’s a cute outfit, but also like the most conspicuous one ever. I’ll just tone it down a bit for now, especially when we’re in this neighborhood where they know he’s staying.
I hate that Timmy attacked me, of course… hate that the night ever happened. But I’m also upset that there’s an after-effect of it all. That it’s impacting our life going forward. And that Timmy’s behavior is having consequences long beyond the event itself.
72
UGLY DUCKLING SYNDROME
I’m unofficially moved into Matty’s apartment. I already had a ton of my stuff here, but we’d been spending most of our time at mine. Now that it’s not an option for Timmy to be there, we’re spending all our time at Matty’s.
“What about Sabre, though?” I’d asked when Timmy insisted I come and stay with him.
“Bring him,” he grins. “Matty will love the company. It’ll be the first pussy he’s had in ages.”
“Okay,” I’d said, unsure, but I didn’t really see another option if I wanted to be with Timmy.
And, now that we’re at Matty’s, we’re not leaving the house much. When we do, Matty seems eager to tag along.
It’s food stamp day, so we go on a group trip to the grocery store, and Matty and Timmy pick out a bunch of bacon, sausages, steak, hash browns, milk and eggs. I wander over to the produce department, marveling at the prices of fresh fruit and vegetables on Sunset Cay. Picking up a tiny punnet of raspberries, I let out a low whistle and put it back down when I see the price—nearly ten dollars. I used to think San Francisco prices were high, but damn.
After, we all go and see the dolphins over at a nearby hotel, andwe’ve arrived right at feeding time. It’s cute, watching them open their mouths wide, eager, so their handlers can drop in handfuls of fish.
Timmy takes some really picturesque photos of them as they zoom underneath us as we stand on the bridge over their enclosure.
I love watching him when he’s being artistic. He gets so engrossed in what he’s doing, and he’s so talented at picking out the right lighting and angles, adjusting the settings in his phone to make the image come out… special, somehow. I take decent photos myself, but his blow me away.
I find creativity incredibly sexy, especially when it comes to visual and graphic design. There’s something about a man who can take something ordinary and turn it into something beautiful before my eyes. Maybe I have some kind of an ugly duckling complex—in fact, I’m more than sure I do—and so someone with that kind of power totally feeds into my kink.
The next day,I wake up with a thrill of anticipation.
Timmy has planned a hike for us to Wriggler Falls, a chance to escape the apartment and get some fresh air and sunshine, just the two of us. I’ve been craving something like this—physical exercise, being out in nature, away from the suffocating routine of sitting around binge-watching movies. I’m eager to feel the sun on my face, the thrill of a workout, and to visit a place I’ve never been. And of course, to share it with Timmy. It’s going to be perfect.
Timmy takes great care to pick out snacks he knows we’ll both enjoy. He fills his insulated backpack with an assortment of grapes and mandarins and sharp cheddar cheese, as well as crackers and even some dried fruit and nuts. He fills up the Hydro Flask with icy cold water.
We’re getting ready to head out, and I can feel lightness in the air for the first time in a while, like we’re finally doing something for justthe two of us. But, as we’re about to leave, Matty pops out from his room, grinning. “Where are you going?”
I freeze for a second, glancing at Timmy, hoping he might deflect the question. But, of course, Timmy’s easygoing and inclusive nature kicks in.
“The waterfall,” says Timmy. “Margaux hasn’t been to Wriggler Falls yet.”
“Oh my gosh!” Matty’s face lights up. “Mind if I join you? I love waterfalls.”
I blink, the excitement deflating from my chest like a sad balloon a few days after a child’s birthday party. I turn to Timmy, still hoping he’ll say something, but he just looks at me with that neutral expression, waiting for my response.
I give a subtle shrug, trying to mask my disappointment. “Sure, why not? Come along. The Uber will be here in a few minutes, though, so hurry.”
Matty rushes off to his room to change, and I let out a quiet sigh. This was supposed to be our day, just Timmy and me. But now, well.. it’s the three of us. Again.
It’s not that Matty is awful, or even particularly annoying—he’s actually okay to be around when he’s not drunk, which is when he tends to say stupid things. But it’s starting to feel like Timmy and I are not getting any time to ourselves. We don’t really go anywhere, and Matty is always… there.
It’s his apartment, so I’m not complaining—it’s not like I could ask him to leave. But I can’t help but feel trapped. I’m paying insane rent for an apartment we can’t escape to for couple time, because Timmy’s no longer allowed there.
I’m resenting it. Resenting Timmy for not making more of an effort to make up for the consequences of his attack on me. I’m resentful that my gorgeous life is being reduced to this.