As if sensing my anxiety, Sabre rubs against my leg, purring softly, and I scoop him up, holding him close to my chest. His small body is warm and familiar, a constant in the midst of the chaos swirling around me. I bury my face in his fur, inhaling the comforting scent of him. “You’re my anchor, Sabre. I won’t let him hurt you. I won’t let him hurt us.”
But even as I make that promise, the fear lingers. Timmy is still out there—maybe not right now, but soon. And when he gets out, I don’t know what version of him he will be, how mad he’ll be at me. I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough to protect myself, to protect Sabre.
I rock back and forth, clutching my cat like a lifeline, as the weight of everything presses down on me. What do I do now?
My brain swirls like it’s surrounded by a pea-soup fog, unable to see a clear way forward.
Every step feels like a gamble, every decision fraught with doubt. And I’m alone in this—so terrifyingly, completely alone.
69
HARD TRUTHS > BEAUTIFUL LIES
Paulo’s message hits me like a freight train. I finally texted him to let him know what happened. I needed to tell someone—someone who I know cares about me, and who wouldn’t reply in a flippant way. I know Paulo is analytical, and he’ll think this through logically. But even then, I’m not expecting the reply that I receive:
Paulo:
When people show you who they are, believe them.
I don’t think this guy’s behavior will be an isolated incident.
You guys moved very fast… and it’s understandable for you to fall for someone who is offering you something you haven’t gotten for 6 years… excitement, adventure, someone who is expanding your world.
And part of this new adventure in self discovery is Sunset Cay… plus some good D.
But for you to call him your fiancée after less than a few weeks seems unhealthy, even desperate.
And giving someone a second chance who put your physical safety at risk is not a good move.
Ensuring your physical wellbeing and safety is at the base of our human existence, and if he can’t help you achieve that you won’t climb higher. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, baby.
You know your worth and I don’t want to see you diminish it with dickheads that put you in danger.
Sorry if this comes across as judgmental or harsh, but I say it because I care for you.
He’s right. Every word he says is fucking right. And he’s so kind. Some of it’s not nice to read, and I have a particular reaction to his use of the word ‘desperate’. It makes me feel sick inside, but he’s coming from a good place. Sometimes, it’s easier to see signs from outside than when you’re right in the middle of it. And clearly he does.
I read it once, then again, slowly, word by word, letting each sentence sink in. With every line, my stomach tightens, and I feel the familiar ache of shame rise up in my chest.
When people show you who they are, believe them.
I stare at those words for a long time. They rattle me. They gnaw at the part of me that still wants to believe in the Timmy I fell for—the one who held me under the stars and whispered promises into the night. But Paulo’s right. Timmy’s rage, his violence, the way he flipped like a switch—it wasn’t a momentary lapse. It was who he is. And no matter how much I want to rewrite the story, to find an explanation that makes everything okay, the truth is staring me right in the face.
Believe them.
A lump forms in my throat, and I fight the urge to cry. Paulo’s words aren’t cruel, but they feel sharp, like a scalpel cutting through the fantasy I’ve been clinging to.
You guys moved very fast…
He’s right. I can see that now. Moving so quickly with Timmy—it felt thrilling in the moment, like jumping off a cliff into unknown waters, trusting that I’d land safely. But the fall was reckless. And I knew it. Somewhere deep down, I knew it, even as I ignored the nagging voice in the back of my mind that told me to slow down, to tread carefully.
Excitement, adventure, someone expanding your world…
I let out a shaky breath. That’s exactly what Timmy was to me—a wild ride that pulled me out of the monotony of the life I left behind. I wasn’t just looking for love. I was looking for escape. A new beginning. And Timmy made me feel alive in a way I hadn’t felt in years.
But Paulo’s words linger, making me realize that maybe what I mistook for love was something else entirely. A distraction. A high. A need to fill a void that’s been gnawing at me for longer than I care to admit.
But calling him your fiancé after a few weeks… that’s not healthy, even desperate.