A branch whips my face, and I taste blood, salty and metallic. The pain grounds me, keeps me present. I run faster, my lungs burning, using the jungle as my personal punching bag.
By the time I reach the clearing, my shirt is soaked through. I double over, hands braced on my knees as I suck in air. Anger simmers in my gut, rage at the unfairness of it all. With a roar, I slam my fist into the nearest tree trunk, bark splitting my knuckles.
"Damn it!" I growl through clenched teeth. No matter how hard I try, the past won't let me be. Some days the weight of it feels like it'll crush me into dust.
But I'm notalone in this fight. Devon and the others have got my back. Maybe it's time I let them in, let them help shoulder the load.
I wipe the blood from my hand and head back down the trail. The ghosts are still with me, but having brothers like these makes them easier to bear. And Devon, my Devo… my sweet queen—she has the uncanny ability to make everything okay.
I take a deep breath and continue my run through the dense jungle trails, trying to clear my mind. But the memories come flooding back, unbidden. I'm transported back to the dark alleys and seedy underbelly of my past.
I see the flash of knives, hear the screams and taunts as we fought over turf. The metallic scent of blood heavy in the air. My brother's face appears, always by my side. Until that night when everything changed. An innocent little boy, suspended in time, his ghostly presence accompanying me through my darkest experiences as an adult.
The images are so vivid, it's like I'm there again. I can feel the slick cobblestones under my shoes, the frigid night air cutting through my jacket. My pulse quickens as the scene plays out once more.
My brother's cry pierces the din, a choked gurgle. I whirl to see him grasping his throat, blood spilling between his fingers. The light in his eyes extinguishes as he collapses.
"No!" The agonized scream tears from my throat. I run to him, clutching his limp body in disbelief. Around us the fight rages on, but I am deaf to it. In that moment my world narrows to my brother's still form. It doesn't matter that he drowned, that this entire memory is nothing but an illusion. In my mind, he dies a different way nearly every single day.
The false memory fades as I stop in a secluded clearing, my chest heaving. I lash out, pounding the tree trunk in anguish and frustration.
"Why won't you leave me be?" I cry out hoarsely. The ghosts of my past relentlessly haunt me, no matter how hard I try to outrun them.
I sink to my knees, the bark rough under my palms as I lean against the tree. Hot tears blur my vision. I thought I'd left that life behind, but the memories cling to me like shadows.
A snapping twig alerts me I'm no longeralone. I stiffen, hastily wiping my eyes before glancing up.
Devon stands a few feet away, concern etched on her face. Her presence is calming amidst the maelstrom inside me.
"Rake..." she begins softly.
I cut her off brusquely. "I'm fine. Just needed to blow off some steam."
She doesn't look convinced. "It's okay not to be fine. I know the past doesn't just disappear."
Her voice holds no judgment, only empathy. My defensiveness fades. If anyone understands, it's her.
"Come on." She nods towards a fallen log. I follow and sit beside her, the rich jungle providing a cocoon of white noise.
"Talk to me," she urges gently.
Haltingly I open up, sharing more than I have with anyone. The words pour out, so many memories I've tried to lock away. She listens without interruption, anchor-steady at my side. Just the way she was when I first told her about my brother, which seems like a lifetime ago.
"The things I've done, Devon..." My voice breaks. "How do I make peace with it all?"
"By realizing you're more than your past. It shaped you but doesn't define you." She squeezes my hand. "We've all got demons, Rake. They just take different forms. Even the people who seem to have it all together have them, sometimes the biggest ones. The trick is learning to live with them."
I absorb her words, feeling the weight on my shoulders lighten.
I nod slowly, letting Devon's wisdom sink in. She's right—my past is a part of me, but I don't need to give it the power to control my future.
"I never thought I could belong anywhere after..." My voice trails off. "But being here, with the Snakes, with you...it's different."
Devon smiles. "Because we're family now. We've all got damage, but together we're strong."
Her certainty makes me believe it too. I stand, suddenly eager to move forward. "Come on, let's headback."
We make our way through the lush jungle as the training facility comes into view. The physical exertion of the hike purges the dark thoughts that clung to me earlier.