It’searlymorningandI sit on my bed, surrounded by notes and trinkets—little mementos from each perfect date.
My fingers trace over the gorgeous shell Killian found for me on the beach. His thoughtfulness and compassion touched me, from the animal shelter to the beach cleanup, to the vegetarian meal prepared by underserved youth. Jonah noses around, interested in each of my finds.
I pick up a dark romance book and the bookmark bearing photos of the museum, recalling the intellectual date Jayden took me on. He’d revealed hidden depths that night, showing me his deeply romantic and thoughtful side. A smile tugs at my lips as I remember our initial meeting and how I thought he really didn’t like me.
And then, in my phone, I bring up a candid photo of Noah and I. We’re laughing, his arm slung playfully around my shoulders as we showed off our Laotian cooking skills. That spontaneous, fun-loving date had been such a pleasant surprise, not at all what I expected from the one who displays himself as a buttoned-up, serious type.
I lift the jade pendant Kai gave me that now sits against my chest, running my thumb over the smooth stone. He opened my eyes to his rich culture and passions.
Each man makes me feel alive in different ways. Each lights up a different part of my heart, my brain, my body and my soul.
How can I possibly choose just one path when my heart longs to explore them all? It’s overwhelming, this longing for each of them. For the first time, I allow myself to imagine it—finding happiness together.
My mind races with possibilities as I pace my room. Being with one, being with all, wondering how we could possibly find a way. What would life look like if they were all in it as my partners?
I sit back down, pulling out my journal. It’s time to lay all my cards on the table. Whatever happens tomorrow, I need to be true to myself and my heart.
Feeling overwhelmed, I pick up my phone and call Liv, my trusted friend and confidante.
“Liv, I’m torn. Each of them brings something special, something that makes me feel alive in different ways,” I confess. “I though the dates would provide clarity, but they just showed me how much I care about all four of them.”
“Sounds like you’re really stuck,” Liv says sympathetically. “Do you think they’re really set on you picking just one of them? What if they had to choose between sharing you or not having you at all?”
I sigh. “I don’t know...Noah seemed pretty adamant about me making a choice. I’m not sure if the dates changed anything for him or the other guys. But yeah, a girl can dream, right?”
“Well, you need to be honest—with yourself and them. Don’t force yourself into something that doesn’t bring you the joy you deserve.”
After I hang up, I start pacing again, my mind racing even faster now. I visualize scenario after scenario—being with each man individually, then all together—wondering how we could possibly make it work.
What would life be like if I didn’t have to choose? Could we find happiness together, or is it just a fantasy?
I know the only way to find out is to lay it all on the line. I sit back down and begin drafting a message to each of them, asking them to meet me tomorrow evening. It’s time to discuss my thoughts openly and see what happens.
Dylan:
Hey, are you free tomorrow evening? There’s something important I want to discuss with all of you together. Please come with an open mind. 7pm at the kitchen table. See you then.
My heart pounds as I hit send.
I take a deep breath as I set my phone down, the message sent. The ball is in their court now.
I grab my journal and begin scribbling down my feelings, making a pros and cons list for each potential relationship. My mind spins as I try to envision what a polyamorous dynamic between the five of us could look like—how we would make it work logistically, what we’d need to consider emotionally, how it might feel.
Could I be the link that brings us all together? I wonder. Is there a way to make this work where everyone feels valued and loved? Or are they really going to make me choose?
My chest tightens at the thought. Because at this point, if I have to choose just one of them, I don’t think I can choose any of them.
I know it’s a lot to ask. Most people aren’t open to this kind of relationship. But I also know what my heart wants—all of them, together. I don’t want to have to let any of them go.
Finishing my journaling, I feel more confused, but also strangely hopeful. Now I just have to make it through the day until our meeting tomorrow. No matter what happens, I know I need to be true to myself. And I’m ready to lay all my cards on the table.
My stomach clenches as I think about the text I just sent to each of them—Killian the altruistic empath, Jayden the intellectual romantic, Noah the dominant alpha with a secret spontaneous and silly side, and Kai the sensitive and quiet leader with a spiritual depth like I’ve never seen. All of them, hot and sexy men with bulging biceps, tight curvy asses and enormous thighs that could crush my body in a heartbeat, not to mention washboard abs and tattoos that make me literally drool. But inside, so much that sets them apart from each other, and from anyone around them.
I spend the next few hours oscillating between nerves and excitement. Pacing my room, I psych myself up. Alright Dylan, tomorrow’s the night. No more hiding, no more choices made out of fear. I’m ready to embrace whatever comes next.
I tidy up the apartment as I continue to think things through, planning snacks and refreshments to accompany tomorrow’s discussions. I want them to feel comfortable even though this will be an intense conversation.
But first, a big practice for both the women’s and men’s teams tomorrow. It’s at this moment I realize rugby hasn’t even crossed my mind for several hours.