Damn it’s late. I thought while glancing over at the clock.How is it already one in the morning?
The bedroom lay disheveled, a testament to the fight we had earlier in the night. My adrenaline surged, helping me ensure James wouldn’t put me back in the hospital. Summer would have flipped her lid if she knew the truth about what had happened last spring. I wish I’d had the courage to tell her then.
“I’m sorry Val, I know I need help.” James pleaded. “I’ll see a therapist. I’ll be the man you need me to be. Promise.”
For a while, I trusted him. I could see the changes and didn’t regret my decision to stay. We were happy again…finally. Then his mother died, and a switch flipped. James was back to his old ways instantly.
Every night there was a reason to drink. Occasionally he would accompany it with a bump or two of cocaine, and then came the abuse. It felt crazy to say, but I preferred the nights he was drunk and high compared to the nights he had only been drinking. Multi-substance James didn’t hang well. So the violence never lasted long. He would typically end the night with his head dangling over the toilet, followed by yelling at me to clean up his mess.
I paused in the doorway at the other end of the kitchen. The bedroom was haunting and sleeping there felt like an impossible task. I grabbed my pillow along with the bedspread and made my way back to the living room. The couch might not have been ideal for a few hours of sleep, but it was a much better option than what had previously beenourroom.
The pillow fit perfectly against the armrest and I sat down, pulling the queen-sized spread over my body. Reaching over I grabbed the remote, searching for my favorite show, New Girl, and hit play. I didn’t normally attempt to sleep with background noise, but tonight was an exception.
Sleep came fast as I drifted off contemplating my uncertain future.
Two
Val
A few hours later I was up with the sun, unable to get much sleep after the night’s theatrics. I got up and walked over to the kitchen, grasped the coffeepot and filled it up with water before pouring it into the basin. Afterwards, I added an aromatic scoop of dark roast coffee into a disposable filter. I inhaled deeply taking in the essence as I hit brew and stepped away to go to the bathroom.
While washing my hands, I struggled to look in the mirror, knowing I wasn’t going to love the person in the reflection staring back at me. The physical abuse had been one thing, but the constant mental gymnastics James played with me wore me down just as much, and I was too tired to love myself anymore.
“You really should wear makeup,” he would lecture. “Without it, it makes me want to fuck you with a bag over your head.” It was one of the most commonly used insults, aside from comments about my fluctuating weight each month as I got closer to starting my period and erratic hormones.
I snuck a quick peek in the mirror, glancing back down as soon as I got a glimpse of what my face looked like. Knowing Ineeded to have an idea, I gathered as much strength as I could in preparation to get hair color before going over to Summer’s.
“It can’t be as bad as you think.” I always gave myself pep talks like this, regardless of whether I wanted to hear them or not. I took a deep breath and looked up, shades of red, blue, purple and even yellow in some spots started from my forehead and made their way down to my chest. Perfect replicas of James’ hands were left pressed against my neck and I suddenly regretted ever agreeing to leave the house.
I ran my fingers through my hair, in an attempt to gently remove some of the tangles, but instead of fighting through the hot mess I called hair, it was easier to take a shower and allow my conditioner and wet brush to work their magic.
Ding.
The sound of the timer let me know the coffee had finished brewing. I splashed my face with some cold water to help wake up a little bit so I could enjoy a cup before taking a shower and going on my little adventure. I opened my phone and shuffled my playlist, getting the speaker set up for listening to music while I showered, but a pre-game dance party never hurt.
I danced out of the bathroom, shuffling and be-bopping into the kitchen. For the first time in a long time, I didn’t have to play theperfect housewifeand was finally able to be… me.
This was going to take some time to get used to but I was already enjoying the idea of being able to go braless if I wanted, or lounging around pantsless while I worked. I could color my hair, wear black lipstick, and finally enjoy life without a ton of rules and the guidelines I had been expected to follow.
Wow, maybe things were worse than I thought.
My feelings and emotions were running rampant. As the feelings started to become overwhelming, I slipped on a tile and came crashing down to the ground, staring up at the ceiling and managing my breathing, bringing it back down to a normal pace.
Maybe not today, but I’ll get there soon. I hoped. I’ve never actually met someone in a similar situation as me so I wasn’t really sure what to expect as far as timelines go. I knew I wanted to feel better sooner than later.
I rolled over onto my stomach and pushed up off the ground, rising back to my feet.Ow.I rubbed my hip and hobbled carefully over to the coffeepot, the journey I had initially been on before I got distracted byFuneral Greyby Waterparks.
Opening the cabinet, I grabbed my favorite cup with a skull on it and#CoffeeQueenwritten on the inside of the cup. It had been a gift from Summer a few Christmases ago and even came with a skull mixing spoon.
Tucked toward the back side of the cabinet, something caught my eye. I stood on my tiptoes and grabbed the piece of metal, pulling it out.
As soon as I saw it I laughed, I had forgotten all about this sign, and there was no way it was going to continue residing in the cabinet any longer. I propped the sign up next to the coffee pot and stood back admiring my newly found rebellion. Though, I wasn’t sure exactly who I was rebelling against since the asshole was in jail.
“I like my coffee black, like my soul,” had been an inside joke between Summer and I for ages. The first time we had ever met was at a coffee shop and we hit it off like we had been the best of friends for years. When it was Summer’s turn to pay for our coffee she asked me, “How do you like your coffee?” and without even thinking I snapped back with the response: “I like my coffee black, like my soul.”
In my mind, I think it was that exact moment which solidified the fact we knew we were soulmates in best-friend form.
As I poured the dark brew into my cup, I couldn’t help but be grateful even through this hell, I had obtained the closestthing to a sister one could have. Regret over my thoughts about leaving town came rushing at me.