Summer called me almost immediately. When I answered it sounded like she was in a panic, worried something had happened to me. The moment I mentioned Kaden had asked me out she got quiet. Too quiet. It normally takes a lot to make my best friend at a loss for words. “Summer?”
“Sorry,” she sniffled. “I’m just…surprised.”
Surprised?
Now it was my turn to feel a similar emotion, it wasn’t like I had expected her to react differently. I didn’t want Summer to be hesitant. I wanted her to be as happy for me as I was for her when she abandoned me on the night of my open mat to go on a date. The same date she sent me a picture of to break the news of my coach placing bets on me to lose. Where was my supportive friend in this moment?
“I don’t understand why you’re so surprised.”I need to work on not holding grudges.
There was a pause. “Val, you went from not being interested to wanting me to be supportive and encouraging in less than six hours. Don’t you think it tosses a bit of confusion and surprise into the mix?”
I could hear her sigh. “Is this a situation where you didn’t like him until he showed interest, or one where you would have pretended to not like him if he never showed it?”
How could she say such a thing?
Summer continued. “You’ve just been through so much and I worry about you. Abuse can do some crazy things to your head.”
There was something about what she said that struck a nerve with me. “Because you’re such an expert on what it’s like to go through abuse.”
“Val.” Summer gasped. “I can’t believe you thought I was trying to bring you down. You’re my best friend, I’ve known you for years. Don’t you think I would be able to see the changes you’ve gone through?”
“I need to go.” I had never cut a conversation short because of a disagreement between me and Summer before. “Bye.” I knew I was only going to make things worse if I continued talking in my current state of emotions. I was spiraling and I wasn’t sure why. I just wanted to feel supported.
I slid into my slippers and shuffled out to the living room, staring at the piles of unfinished boxes I still needed to unpack and put away. I released a sigh as I walked past them, hearing Summer’s voice lecturing me about the fact I still hadn’t finished getting my home organized.
In the kitchen, I grabbed a can of unflavored sparkling water and my acai berry energy flavor booster and squirted some into the bottom of a cup before pouring the water in. It was the only way I had found I would drink the crap, but it was much healthier than keeping actual energy drinks on hand.
Alright, let’s get this party started, I thought as I took a swig, the bubbles from the carbonation almost throwing me into a chokehold. I opened my phone and hit shuffle on my early 2000s pop playlist and I danced my way over to the boxes containing my entire life.
I was going to finish unpacking tonight as a declaration to myself Colorado wasn’t just a fun little vacation. This was my home now and at this point, I wasn’t even sure I had my best friend anymore so there wouldn’t be a reason to return to Arizona.
???
A few hours later, I was down to the last box. I sat back on the sofa and looked around the room. Everything about this place had gone from feeling like a temporary change to becoming a permanent fixture in my life. And it was all mine. I’d never been able to say that before, and for a moment, it felt scary, sending goosebumps all up and down my arms.
I held up my arm in front of my face and watched as the tiny hairs stood straight up. I had never been somewhere on my own, or at least not for long. As soon as I turned eighteen, I couldn’t get out of my parents house fast enough and moved in with my boyfriend.
Once we broke up, I didn’t have a hard time finding the next guy to move on to and move in with. I am sure some people thought I was a whore, but the truth was, I just didn’t want to go back to the home I had grown up in.
I think the origin of my abuse all started there, not in a physical sense, though, kind of. There was this one time when my mom had stopped taking her anti-depressants cold turkey, and it wasn’t good. There’s a reason why doctors tell you if you’re going to get off of it you need to do it by decreasing dosages until you can wean off. Otherwise someone could go crazy.
Which she did.
There was just the way I was talked to. My dad would tell me how much of a dumbass I was constantly. Even with my scholarship, nothing I did ever seemed to make them happy. I never heard the words “I’m proud of you.” I would get jealous of my friends and the relationships they had with their families.
The worst part? I wasn’t some accident or exciting pregnancy announcement. By the time my parents got together, my dad couldn’t have kids. So my parents took the IVF route. Imagine finding out my parents put a bunch of money into having me,keeping the procedure top secret, only to end up disappointed.
So, I had to get out of there.
My choices caused me to lose my scholarship, but I didn’t care. I had lost my passion for music because of my parents. I didn’t think one day I may be filled with regrets and wish I hadn’t been so lackadaisical. I thought I was doing what was best for me.
It’s always a major back and forth, isn’t it? Feeling regrets, while also being happy with where life had taken you even though you had to endure hell in order to get there.
Before I knew it my alarm was going off.
I had fallen asleep on the couch and let my thoughts of the past consume my dreams. At least I didn’t wake up feeling exhausted because I was in a trauma flashback which left me fighting for my life. Those were some of the worst.
I sat up, displeased with the kink in my neck created by the position I had slept in. As I stretched, I snapped, crackled and popped like a glow stick.