She didn’t continue, so I prompted her. “What?”
“It’s weird talking to you about other guys.”
“I don’t like it either, but I want to know.”
She nodded, her eyes flicking to mine before dropping to my chest. “I started to enjoy it after a while, but...he said I was boring in bed.”
“Fuck, Firefly.” I tucked her into my side and pressed a kiss to her temple. “Those guys were assholes, and they were so wrong. What are their names?”
“Uh-uh. Remember, I don’t want conjugal visits.”
A laugh burst out of me, despite the fury flowing through my veins.
She wrapped her arms around me and laid her head on my chest. “It’s fine. I used them as much, if not more, than they used me.”
“It’s not fine.” I put a finger under her chin and gently tilted her head to meet her eyes. “I promise we will never, ever do anything that doesn’t feel good for you. And I need you to promise you’ll be honest with me about how you feel.”
“I promise.”
“I also promise we’re going to have fun. There’s going to be so much awesomeness in our relationship, when someone asks about us, you’re not even going to know where to start.” Because it was fucked up that when I asked about those assholes, the only things she had to say were about the bad, barely consensual sex. “And Firefly?”
“Yeah?”
“Being with you is amazing. You are sweet, sexy, smart, funny, and so damn brave. I love every second we spend together. You were on fire when we were together in the hot tub and after, and so was I. Every kiss and touch is electrifying. You are the absolute opposite of boring.”
Her eyes lit up, that spark in her heart never far from the surface. She stood on her tiptoes, reaching for me, her lips gently parting, and I met her halfway and kissed her, a soft, slow brush against her lips. I wished I could deepen the kiss and make usboth forget why we were here, but I couldn’t. I pulled back and smoothed an escaped tendril of hair behind her ear. “We need to go back in soon. Are you going to be alright?”
“Yeah, of course.” That damn fake smile again.
Bullshit. “What were you thinking about during the situational awareness video?”
She lifted her chin and crossed her arms, trying to look defiant, but the shadows in her eyes betrayed her. “No one could, or should, follow that video. Yes, I notice if a man is approaching me, but it’s ridiculous to cross the street every time. And I’m not going to avoid people just because they look cr…different. What a horrible world it would be if we were all so cold and unfriendly. You think we need to inspect everywhere we go—make sure all the lights work and there’s nowhere someone could hide? Might as well never go out at all. I—” Her bravado slipped, her eyes falling to the floor. When she looked back up, her eyes were dim and unfocused. “That’s no way to live. I don’t want to live like that. I won’t.”
She did live like that, though, and it slayed me that she looked so tortured by it. “That awareness is good, Firefly. It gives you power. It puts you in control, helps you tune in to that gut feeling and choose how to respond.”
Jenna’s lips trembled and then compressed into a heartbreaking attempt at a smile. “What if my gut is a jumpy, paranoid little bugger?”
My gut was my compass. I couldn’t imagine what I’d do without it. “Well...”
She sighed, and whatever I’d been about to say faded away. “It’s hard to be so aware but not know what to do about it. If I followed my gut, I’d live in constant fear. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just be blissfully unaware.”
My chest squeezed. I hated that she was so afraid, but in my world, fear kept you alive. It was necessary. Healthy. If her gut was unreliable, how could I help her be safeandhappy?
Dylan’s whistle carried down the hall, calling us back. Dammit.
“Sorry, are you alright going back in? We’ll talk more later.”
“It’s okay. Sometimes there is no answer. We just need to do our best to be happy without being reckless.”
“That might be the best answer I’ve heard.” I kissed the tip of her nose and when I pulled away, she graced me with her beautiful smile.
The women took turns getting out of wrist grabs and front choke holds from one another and then from one of us. I let Dylan take Jenna’s group, because I knew Ryan would make us switch it up. Jenna seemed more relaxed since we’d talked, and I was happy enough watching from across the room while she yelled “No!” and broke away from Dylan.
“Remember, the goal is always to get away. Any questions so far?” Ryan asked.
Juliette whispered to Nicky, and then Nicky asked, “What if you’re hurt and can’t get away?”
Dylan tensed as Ryan answered. “If you can’t get away, try to get help to come to you. Yell, throw things, anything to make noise and attract attention. That may be enough to scare them away. If you’re practicing situational awareness, maybe you’ll have your car keys in your hand and you can set the alarm off, or if you’re next to a parked car, see if trying to open the door sets an alarm off.”