Her brows furrowed, and I kissed the little worry lines. When I pulled back, she smiled again. “Wow. Um. What surprises?”
I chuckled despite myself. This girl never ceased to amaze me. Even when shit was heavy, she still focused on the good. “You’re a librarian. Shouldn’t you know the meaning of words?”
She pouted, and I couldn’t resist running my thumb along that adorably kissable bottom lip. Her eyes darkened, so much want and need swirling in those blue depths, I was drowning in it. I had to navigate us to a place where she’d feel safe with me, and I had to do it soon. I didn’t want to deny the desire I saw in her. She deserved everything she wanted and then some. But I also couldn’t give into it when her fear was still almost as strong, even if she tried to deny it.
But then her playful pout turned into real worry. “You didn’t sleep well last night?”
I shook my head. “I want to hurt him, Jenna. I want to make him feel as afraid as you did, and I want to tear him apart and make him choke on his own fucking dick.”
“Please don’t. I want things with you I’ve never wanted before, and it would really suck if my first good sexual experience was during a conjugal visit.”
A laugh burst out of me. “How do you stay so positive?” I swallowed back the rest of what I wanted to say. I had to know more, but this wasn’t the place to ask. When she said her first good sexual experience, did that mean she had other bad experiences? Or none at all? I sure as shit was not counting her abuse as a sexual experience, and if she was, I was going to knock that idea right out of her head.
“I wasn’t always. I spent so long afraid and hiding in the shadows, letting life pass me by. I refuse to do that anymore. I try not to be reckless, but I can’t let fear control me. I need to be happy.”
“You’re amazing, Firefly.”
We followed the path, laughing at Thor’s antics and enjoying easy conversation when we came to a grass field overlooking a small lake. Perfect. “Want to stop here for a snack?”
Jenna agreed and we meandered closer to the water. In a clearing mostly hidden from the trail by some bushes, I laid out the small blanket I had in my backpack, along with bottles of water, a sleeve of crackers, a Tupperware filled with strawberries, and a bowl for Thor’s water.
“Oh, Liam! It’s a picnic! I can’t even remember if I’ve ever had a picnic before.”
“Have a seat, my lady,” I said, taking her hand and helping her sit. “For you, I have a bottle of still water and a charcuterie of fruit and crackers.”
“Oh my, how lovely!” Jenna placed her hand over her heart and batted her eyelashes, playing along with whatever the hell I was trying to do.
We talked about our jobs as we ate, and she told me all about Izzy and the sensory room and a few of her regulars, and then I finally asked the question that had been trying to bust out since she mentioned it. “Jenna, when you were kidding about conjugal visits, you said something that I have to ask about.”
“What did I say?”
“You said it would be your firstgoodsexual experience. Not counting Brian, because abuse is not a sexual experience, did you have a bad experience after that?”
She looked at me with shame in her eyes, and I wished I could kill every motherfucker who ever touched her. All I wanted was to hold her in my arms, but I couldn’t because those pricks hurt her.
“They weren’t bad. They just weren’t good.”
“Tell me?”
She shrugged and looked down at Thor lounging in the grass, his tongue lolling out. “There’s not much to tell. There was a boyfriend in college I slept with, and another guy too, before him. I was nervous, so it wasn’t great.”
Motherfuckers. “Those assholes slept with you when you were afraid?”
She toyed with Thor’s tail, the only part of him within her reach. “I wanted it. The...uh, sex part was good once I got used to it.” She looked up at me before her eyes darted away again. “I didn’t like them touching me.”
Once she got used to it!I saw red. Wished it was the blood of those assholes, not my heart breaking. She’d said that last part like she thought she needed to warn me not to touch her!
I forced my hands to stay still even though they ached to comfort her. “I’m sorry they were selfish jerks. I hope someday I’ll get to show you how amazing it can be when you’re with the right person. I promise, Firefly, we’ll only do anything if and when you’re completely ready, and only what you absolutely, one hundred percent want.”
She leaned closer. “I already want you. I think about doing things with you that I’ve never wanted before.”
Fuck, my cock hardened just from her words. I shifted and bent my knee to try to hide it, but her eyes followed mymovement. “I can’t stop it from getting hard, but I have complete control over what I do with it. I will never hurt you or take advantage of you. You don’t have to be scared of me.”
“I know. I’m not.”
That was probably more wishful thinking than the truth, but I wasn’t going to call her out on it.
“I mean it. It’s like...” Jenna leaned back on her elbows, her chest arched as she looked up at the sky, so beautiful as she gathered her thoughts. I ran my gaze down her legs, taking in her toned muscles and the intricate infinity tattoo on her ankle. “It’s like how I’m allergic to cats.” She sat up to meet my eyes again. “I love cats. I’d love to hold a cat and pet it and play with it. But despite what I want, my body has a negative reaction to it. And I have no control over that reaction. So far it’s just been uncomfortable, but I’m worried about it overwhelming me.” She put her hand on my knee. “I want to be with you. I think it’ll be good in a way I’ve never known before. But I’m worried about how I’ll react.”