Crap, I was quiet for too long, and now he was backpedaling. But I didn’t want to take any of it back. I wanted to barrel full steam ahead.
“Actually, I’d like to tell you more. If you want to hear it, that is.”
“I do. I definitely do. Do you want to stay at the table or go to the couch?”
Sitting at the table was too stiff, too much of him looking straight at me. “The couch.”
Liam led me to his living room, and we sat, angled to face each other. He took both my hands in his. “Is this okay?”
“Yeah.” I blew out a heavy breath and tried to figure out how to start. “He...um, it started slowly. At first it was just tickles and little touches. Like he was playing, but it felt…weird. I didn’t understand why, though, not right away. He’d do it in front of our parents too, and no one else thought it was weird. He’d tell me to sit on his lap while we were watching TV, and even though I didn’t want to, I did. I don’t know why I didn’t say no. I?—”
“Because you were a kid,” Liam interrupted. “A little kid.”
“Yeah, I guess. I’d sit on his lap, and I’d feel something poking my backside. I didn’t understand what it was in the beginning, but then once he started…doing more, I knew exactly what it was.”
Liam’s hands tightened around mine, but I kept going. If I stopped, I might not get the nerve to start again.
“Sometimes I said no to him, but sometimes I…” Oh God, of all the things I could have said, why didthatcome out?
“Nothing was your fault, Firefly. Nothing you say will ever make me think it was.” Oh, how badly I wanted to believe him.
“Sometimes I just did what he wanted. I didn’t want to. I didn’t like it. But it was…easier. I was so confused about everything, and it just seemed easier to go along with him thanto make a big deal of it. I didn’t want to have to tell them what we did—what I did—and how it felt. That was scarier than just doing it.” I choked back a sob and closed my eyes for a long moment. “I thought something was wrong with me for how it made me feel. Brian liked it, obviously, and our parents thought it was cute how close we were and how he was always happy to see me. I was so much younger, I worried I was just being sensitive. That’s what my mom said when I tried to tell her. But then it got worse, and I knew it was definitely wrong, but I was nervous to tell anyone again.”
“You told your mom, and she didn’t do anything?” Liam asked, his voice dangerously tight.
I shrugged but didn’t look up. Couldn’t bear to see the look in his eyes. “When he touched me, it was...” Damn, it was hard to force these words out. “At that point, it was just...touching. He didn’t...penetrate me...or do anything that actually hurt me. When I told her, I guess it didn’t sound like anything.”
“How old were you then?”
“Nine.”
“She thought it was okay for a nine year old to be fucking touched?”
I flinched at the venom in his voice. “I...I didn’t know how to describe it. I was confused about what was happening, and my mom’s reaction just confused me more.”
“I’m sorry, Firefly,” he said, his voice gentle. “I’m furious at her. Not you. Never at you.”
Not mad, but did he think I should’ve done more to stop it? I needed him to understand how hard it was to tell. I closed my eyes, let myself remember. God, remembering hurt. I opened my eyes, focused on his big hands holding mine. So strong and safe. I let out a long breath, and when I spoke, my voice came out wooden. “When I was ten, Brian got his license, and he took me for a ride in his new Jeep. It was stupid of me to go, but I did. Hedrove to an empty parking lot and told me to sit on his lap so I could drive. I tried to say no, but I ended up doing it. He pulled my legs open wide around his so he could use the pedals, and he told me to take the wheel. We drove around the lot, me steering, and him touching me. He said if I closed my legs or moved, we’d crash.” Tears streamed down my face, but I continued. “When I got back home, I ran to the bathroom. When I came out, everyone was laughing about how I was scared to drive with him. They said I’d love it soon. I yelled that I never wanted to go in a car with him ever again, and they laughed harder. Him too.” My heart pounded like it was going to break right through my chest. “I thought…I thought they knew, and they were laughing about it. It felt like I was the crazy one.”
Liam squeezed my hands, drawing me back to the present. I pulled my hands away and swiped at my tears, then tucked my skirt tightly around my legs. Luckily, I was wearing jeans that day. I’d stopped wearing skirts long before then. Liam reached for my hands again, his thumbs brushing gently over my knuckles.
I shrugged. “I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t even know what to think or feel, and I think that’s what screwed me up the most. It wasn’t ever too bad?—”
“It was very fucking bad, Jenna.”
I nodded. I knew he was right. Even though some people had it so much worse, if it was some other girl telling me this story, I’d agree with him. “Yeah, I guess. It was so many little things. I can’t even remember a time when it wasn’t like that, and it seeped into every crevice of my life. The little touches and looks and threats and uncomfortable moments and worries about when it would happen next crept into every cell of my being and every inch of my life. I felt different and dirty and confused. Even when nothing was happening, I was thinking about it. It became the center of my life. Of me.”
“Threats?” He practically growled the word, and I realized I’d been staring at our hands this whole time. I looked up at him and my God, I’d never seen such fury before. His mouth was hard, his cheek was twitching, his eyes were tight and shooting fire. Yet, his touch on me had remained so gentle.
“It’s okay,” I said softly. “I’m alright.”
“It’s not okay. I want to kill them all.”
I didn’t even care that he included my parents in that. The heat of his anger was like sitting too close to a fire, snuggled under a fluffy blanket. A little dangerous, but so soothing it was worth the risk.
I leaned into Liam's side, and he held me close.
“How did he threaten you, Firefly?”