“Nothing.”
His eyes searched mine, and I held his gaze—not like I wanted to look down again anyway—and tried to convey that I was okay. Because I was. Determination crept into me, and I tried to convey that too.
Fake it ’til you make it, right?Do something that scares you every day.Those were my mottos.
I was going to get over this, and I was going to do it now. I knew Liam would be careful with me, and that’s without him knowing anything. If he did know, he’d move so slowly we’d be moving backwards. I didn’t want that. I needed to move things along with him, maybe even tonight before fear took root. Beforehe knew, because he wouldn’t let me do anything if he knew the truth.
“You sure?”
“Yeah, I’m positive. I just…I, uh, thought I saw a big bug.”
He raised his eyebrows.
Heat flooded my face. Did he know?
“Well, even if it was big, I’m sure it’s harmless.”
Dang it, he totally knew! He let it go, though, and that’s just one more reason he was so amazing. He semi-discreetly adjusted his pants, and we resumed our walk. Only then did I realize how tightly I was holding onto him. No wonder he didn’t believe I was okay. I relaxed my grip, but he tightened his, keeping me close.
I’d gotten scared of him—no, not of him. Definitely not scared of him. Maybe because of him? Triggered by him—by his penis—and in that moment of panic, I’d held onto him. Because even in that moment, he still made me feel safe. That was huge. That’s why it was going to be okay. He made me feel safeandmade my body feel electrified. He was better than a hero on a white horse; he was a hero on a unicorn.
I just had to get the first time over with.
First time for what…I wasn’t even sure. I’d suspected it before, but now that I knew Liam better, there was no way in hell he’d accept no-touching sex. And if I was honest with myself, touching didn’t sound so horrible with him. I mean, it could still be horrible—I could freak out, set back years of progress, and ruin everything. But with Liam’s warm body against mine, his strong arm around my shoulders, and his thick calloused fingers in my grasp, I had a feeling that trusting him to touch me, and even touching him, might be alright.
We followed the sound of a mariachi band back toward Liam’s car—without an erection; I did check as we were walking—and when we reached them, I pulled him to a stop to listen tothe lively trio. It felt like we’d wandered into a whole other time and place, one where everyone from children to elderly couples danced in the street. But then jealousy and doubts threatened to ruin the moment as I watched a couple across from us, the woman in front of the man, leaning into him as they swayed to the music like they didn’t have a care in the world. I bet she didn’t care if his penis was poking her.
Stop it, Jenna. I was here, doing more and being better than I ever thought possible. I leaned into Liam’s side. We fit together beautifully in this perfect position where penis contact was impossible. I pulled my eyes away from the couple and scanned the smiling crowd, focusing on how the music brought everyone together. I was too happy to care what anyone else was doing.
Then I saw it. Chills snaked over my body and my lungs seized. Nearly hidden in the crowd, a familiar, faded gray cap.Snake Eyes.Between the distance, the darkness, and the people between us, I couldn't see his face or make out the hat’s logo, but it sure felt like it was him. Not that he was the only one with a faded gray hat with a white drawing on it. But what if it was? How? Why now, while I was here?
“What’s wrong?” Liam’s voice was harsher than I’d ever heard it before.
“Nothing.” I said quickly.
“Jenna. What’s wrong?”
I tried to force my body and voice to relax. “I thought I saw someone I knew, but it wasn’t him.” I attempted to smile at him.
“Who?”
I didn’t take offense to his demanding tone because I liked the way his arm tightened protectively around me and the way his voice and expression and tense muscles made it clear that he’d eliminate this threat—or any threat—for me.
But I couldn’t tell him. As tempting as it was to sic him on Snake Eyes, it wasn’t worth it. I wouldn’t be able to convinceLiam that even though the man looked and acted like a creep, I was probably just overreacting. My unfounded paranoia could get Liam in trouble and cause harm to an innocent man. If Liam knew I’d felt scared at work, he’d probably try to stop me from going or insist on following me like a bodyguard. In trying to help me, he’d risk himself and destroy the parts of me I was most proud of. He wouldn’t understand why I had to do the things that made me happy even when,especiallywhen, they scared me. No. As tempting as his protection was, I wasn’t willing to pay the price of it.
I blinked stupidly up at Liam, searching for an excuse.
“Jenna, please tell me.”
I decided to go with the truth, a version of the truth anyway, because I didn’t want to lie to him. “There’s this guy I’ve seen at the library a few times lately. I was just surprised to see him here, although he’s been reading up on local attractions, so it makes sense.”
“Who? Show me.”
I looked around, but didn’t see him. Thank God. “I don’t see him anymore. It may not have even been him.”
Liam glared at the crowd and then down at me. “Why were you scared to see him?”
“I wasn’t scared!”