Me: I’m trying not to freak out
Juliette: One day at a time. You got this
Me: He knows I’m a mess
Nicky: What did he say??
Me: Nothing, but he barely kissed me and then said “baby steps”
Juliette: Awww
Was it aww-worthy or was it a sign to run as far and fast as I could? I knew what Nicky and Juliette would say. But as well as they knew me, they didn’treallyknow.
When we’d met during freshman year of college, even though I was still a mess, I was better than I’d ever been. The move from Georgia to Texas gave me enough space away from Brian and our families to finally start to find myself for the first time in my life. In the years since, I’d come a long way, and I was now a mostly functional adult. I had my quirks, things I was afraid of and things I did to help myself be safer, but who didn’t have some quirks? There was nothing wrong with trying to be safe. I didn’t let it stop me from doing anything I wanted to do.
Well, except for missing a monumental moment in Tyler’s life. And the small part of me that was almost willing to let it stop me from being with Liam.
Tonight proved we’d have a good time together. I even loved kissing him. What would happen when it came to fooling around and sex, though? I knew he wouldn’t push me. But would he slowly and carefully try to encourage me? Try tofixme? I didn’t want to be fixed. I just wanted to be with someone who would accept what I was willing to give.
Would he accept that I didn’t like to be touched...down there? That I didn’t want to see or touch his penis? That the thought of touching it or it touching me made me nauseous? I was fine with having sex—I actually enjoyed it sometimes—butjust stick it in and do it. No need to touch each other more than that.
I looked back at my phone. Did I really call him perfect? More like a perfect nightmare. Everything I wanted and everything I was most scared of.
CHAPTER SIX
Jenna
The next morning, I was antsy. Unfamiliar feelings zipped through my veins. At the gym, I jogged four miles—one more than my usual—and lifted heavier weights for more reps than usual, but I still didn’t know what to do with all the extra energy. Excitement. Nerves. Panic.
“What do you think, Thor?” I asked back at home as I got ready for work. “I really like him.”
Thor jumped on the bed, wagging his tail and waving his paw, beckoning me.
“Aww, you’ll always be my favorite,” I cooed, barely within hugging distance before he leapt up to hook his paws over my shoulders and nuzzle his face against mine. “I’d rather hug you any day, you silly boy. Liam did send some very sweet texts this morning, though.”
I took Thor out and gave him a treat, then headed out to work, pausing in the lobby when my phone buzzed in my pocket.
Liam: Have a great day at work.
Me: Thank you, you too. Be safe.
Liam: You be safe, too. Text me when you can. I like hearing from you.
Oh my God. He was serious about not wanting to take this slowly. I tried to rein in the hope that wanted to bubble over. There was a lot we didn’t know about each other yet. Things that could be dealbreakers for him.
I stared at the phone. How did I convey the right feeling when I had so many conflicting ones?
Me: I will, you too. Talk to you later.
Liam: Talk to you later, Jenna.
Why did the same words feel like a dismissal from me and a promise from him? I had no idea how to date.
“What’s up?” Izzy asked. “You’ve been staring at that book like it holds the answer for world peace.”
I forced a smile, trying to look casual. “Oh, just lost in my thoughts.”
Her eyes narrowed with concern, clearly seeing right through me. “Obviously. Everything okay?”