“Juliette! Stop!” I pushed back to sit against the headboard and pulled her into my arms.
“Sorry,” she whispered, tears filling her eyes as the anger faded, leaving just sadness in its wake. She sucked in a deep, shuddering breath. “So apparently there’s a big meeting at the district’s administrative building every year. The leads had all been invited to it before I was actually lead and they realized a few hours before that no one had told me. I asked what to expect, and they said it’s mostly listening to the speakers and that I’djust speak briefly about the OT/PT department. I tried to get more information, but they all brushed it off like it was no big deal, like I was being silly to worry about it. I wrote myself a few notes about the department and went.
“I walked into the conference room and it was filled. I didn’t know most of the people, but the speaker introduced the district superintendent, the whole board of directors, and principals from every school in the district. The others were people like me: a few teachers, therapists, and psychologists from each school. All the important people spoke first, then they got to everyone else, like me, and even though they said earlier I would just talk from my seat, everyone was going up to the podium. And they were speaking way longer than I was prepared for.”
She took a shuddering breath, and I squeezed her gently for encouragement.
“I put my bag on the back of my chair, like most girls do, but it kept falling off. I thought I fixed it, but I guess not, because when I stood and walked behind my chair to the podium, I almost tripped over it. Then I got up to the podium and said ‘Goblithunk blahduhblah fudripatgo mepodblah.’ That’s an exact quote.”
“Oh, baby.” I rubbed circles over her back, trying to soothe her. Trying to calm myself too, if I was being honest. I wanted to beat up every asshole who’d ever made her feel bad about herself. But I knew if I got upset, she’d clam up, and I needed her to keep opening up to me.
“I just don’t get it. I’ve been working with these people for years. They’ve all heard me talk. They’ve heard me present at meetings. Why did they ask me to be lead? How did anyone think I’d be good at it? When I asked what I had to say at that meeting, why didn’t anyone know that it mattered more to me than other people, that I needed to be prepared? Are people that blind? Do you know what they called me and the otherrepresentatives? They called us ‘The voices of our schools.’ Who the fuck decided I should be the voice of the school?”
“It just shows how much they like and respect you, that even with your speech, they still think you can do it. Yes, there are other OTs who can speak clearer than you, but that doesn’t make them a better lead therapist. It doesn’t matter if their every word is understood if those words don’t have the knowledge and passion that yours do.”
“It doesn't matter if I say the most brilliant thing in the world if no one understands it.”
“You’ve adapted better than that, baby. The changes you made to the therapy department have been so well-liked that no one has any idea you did it to avoid talking. Everyone loves how you started sending weekly emails instead of having meetings. You reworked the entire paperwork procedure so all the forms and papers are easy to find, and sent everyone a list of what’s available. That helps everyone, and no one would guess you did it so people wouldn’t have to ask you. I bet in meetings, they love that you listen more than you talk, and you only say the most important things. No one likes people to go on and on at those meetings. And when you do talk, I’m willing to bet it’s pretty clear, because I know you love your job, you’re great at it and you know you’re good at it, and your speech is at its best when you feel comfortable and confident. Not only that, but because everyone respects you and knows you’re good at your job, I bet they listen carefully and give you the time you need to speak without feeling rushed. I’m very sorry it went so badly in front of all those people. But please, don’t let that negate all the other times you’ve been great. I know you’re proud of yourself for being lead, and I’m so proud of you too, Juls. Don’t let one bad time overshadow all the good.”
“Thank you. Yes, you’re right, those things have been good. And I am proud of myself for being generally competent as leadtherapist. It’s something I never thought I’d be able to do, and I love that I can. But, it’s not enough. Yes, sometimes I can rework things to be better for me. Sometimes I can talk to people who are patient at listening to me.”
She pulled back to look at me with the saddest eyes I’ve ever seen, tears rolling down her face. “But that’s not enough. We shouldn’t be proud that I’m good at avoiding the things I’m not good at. It’s not enough to only be capable when things are easy and just right for me. I was fooling myself and everyone else into thinking I’m more than I really am. And that’s dangerous. What if someone trusted me to deliver an important message and I couldn’t do it? They did do that, at that meeting. Yes, I’m mortified that I embarrassed myself in front of all those people, including important people and people who don’t know me, so now that’s all they know. But more than that, it proved that I was right when I used to just eke by, avoiding anything more. I want to go back to just keeping my head down and getting through the day without calling attention to myself. If I wasn’t lead, they never would’ve asked me to go to that meeting. I just want to go to work, then come home to a quiet house and read. If I mess up dinner, or forget about it altogether, or if I’m late to everything, it didn’t matter when it was just me. This is all too much, it’s more than I can do. I’m going to disappoint everyone. Including you.”
My heart was breaking for Juliette. I’d welcome her anger right now. Anything besides this soul-deep sadness. My chest physically ached hearing her talk about herself so badly.
Oh, fuck. The thought that just popped into my head felt like a knife. Had I done to Juliette what Kayla did to me? Juliette had been satisfied with her status quo. Did I pressure her to do something she didn’t want? Did I make her feel like she wasn’t enough the way she was?
God, I hoped not. She’d always been perfect. What could I do now though, other than encourage her to keep going? If I even hinted at her quitting the lead therapist position, she’d take it as a lack of faith in her. And worse, if she did quit, she’d always believe that she was unable to do it.
No, quitting wasn’t an option. She had to push through this.
Desperation and resignation were warring inside her.
I knew she believed every heart-wrenching word she’d said, but I also knew there was a spark deep inside her, fighting to hold on to hope.
I’d dedicated my career to extinguishing fires, but right now I wanted to coax that spark to ignite. I wanted to protect it and feed it and nurture it, to watch her soul catch fire. I wanted that spark to grow until its light pushed back all the shadows and darkness. I wanted the light and warmth to fill her, for her soul to dance like the flames.
This was the most important job of my life. I was going to be this woman’s hero, to reignite the fire inside her that she was trying to snuff out in a desperate attempt at self-preservation.
28
Juliette
Iwoke up pinned to the bed. Dylan’s arm was across my chest, his hand holding onto my arm, his leg wrapped around mine. We always snuggled, but this was a lot, even for us. I knew I worried him last night, especially when I included our relationship in the list of things that were too much to handle.
I could admit today that I was totally freaking out. Everything I said was still true. Nothing had changed since yesterday, but I was back to my status quo of accepting that I was who I was, my life was what it was, and I was muddling through it as best as I could. I wasn’t going to martyr myself. I was lucky to have as much as I did. Especially Dylan. He was smart and perceptive, and I hadn’t tried to sugarcoat or hide anything from him. If he still wanted me, I was going to thank my lucky stars and do everything I could to deserve him.
If he didn’t want me anymore, I’d have no choice but to move on. If work didn’t want me to be lead anymore, well, that was more than fine with me. And if they fired me altogether, I’d be able to get another job.
I might have had plenty of issues, but wallowing in self-pity wasn’t one of them. No, I accepted all my faults head on.
I laughed to myself. That pep talk helped me feel better, but Dylan would hate it. I had to figure out a different way to convince him I was okay.
I turned in Dylan’s arms. He loosened his arms to let me move, then tightened them around me again, burying his face in my hair, my face against his chest. I turned my head a little to suck his nipple into my mouth. The little nub puckered into a hard peak. Taking that as a good sign, I sucked harder. Dylan groaned my name. He liked it. Feeling heady, I flicked my tongue over the peak, then sucked hard. He moved one hand up to hold the back of my head, his fingers winding through the knotted curls, and the other hand slid down my spine, cupped my ass, and pulled me against his huge erection.
Next thing I knew, I was flipped on my back, Dylan’s weight pushing me into the mattress as he hovered over me.
“You okay, baby?”