Juliette
The phone rang again, and again I ignored it. The only person I wanted to talk to, the only one I needed, I couldn’t have. I didn’t even look to see if it was him. It would only make it harder to ignore. I hadn’t answered his call in two weeks. I’d been trying to avoid everyone else too.
I snuggled deeper into my bed, pulled the blanket around myself like a shield, and tried to read. All I wanted to do was read and cry and not think. I couldn’t turn my phone off, though. I’d turned it off once and was seized by panic that there’d be an emergency, and no one would be able to reach me.
I couldn’t let go of the phone at all, to be honest. After Liam begrudgingly drove me home from the hospital while Dylan was still sleeping, he gave me my phone and my purse that had been in Dylan’s car. When I realized that the dozens of voicemails and texts from Cole’s phone were actually from Dylan, I nearly had a breakdown. In the two long weeks since I’d seen Dylan,I’d tortured myself every day, reading and listening to each heartbreaking message he’d left from the hospital, as well as all the new ones. Hearing his voice get stronger each day and knowing he was home with his family caring for him were the only things keeping me semi-sane. His voicemail from this morning had been particularly heart-wrenching:
Juls, I realize now what you’ve been trying to tell me. You were right. I was holding onto guilt that I shouldn’t have about Kayla and my family, and it put pressure on us that never should have been there. I should have accepted that I did the best I could at each point in my life, and I should have known my parents didn’t hold any of it against me.
I wish I’d been strong enough to see things the way you do, and then maybe we wouldn’t be here. I’ve always been so proud of how hard you’ve worked to accept yourself and even when self-doubt creeps in, you never let it take over. You accept that things are the way they are, and you see the best in everything and everybody.
I’m so fucking sorry that my hang up made you think my job is more important to me than you are. I hate that I made you doubt yourself.
I understand why you left. I know you think you’re making the safe decision, but love is not a decision. Our love just is, and we can’t turn it off, and we can’t be happy without it. I cannot be happy without you. If I have to choose what I want, what I need, in my life, it’s you. Every single time, baby, I’d choose you. You are what makes me happy.
Please, Juls. Give me a chance to tell you how much I need you. Give me a chance to hold you and tell you I love you. We’ll find a way to move forward together. Please, baby. I love you.
God, my heart felt like the seashore being battered by a storm. Love and hope rushing in, then reality crashing down, dragging all that hope away again. It was eroding my very soul.
The phone stopped ringing and then beeped, indicating a voicemail. My traitorous heart fluttered, stupidly hoping for another message from Dylan. A local phone number. Ignore.
I started reading again, but panic took over. I didn’t have Eli or Max’s phone numbers, and they’d be local. What if something had happened to Dylan?
I jabbed at the play button.
“Hi, Juliette, I hope you don’t mind me calling. It’s Sarah, the girl Dylan saved from the fire. I just brought cupcakes to the fire station, and I made some for you too. I asked for your address to bring them to you, but they wouldn’t give it to me. They did give me your number though, obviously, because I’m calling. If it’s okay with you, I’d love to bring these to you and thank you in person. So, please call me back, so I can at least say thank you, and maybe we can arrange to meet too.”
I couldn’t say why, but I did want to meet Sarah. I couldn’t deal with the concern of my friends or family, and I really couldn’t deal with anyone connected to the fire station. They kept saying how proud they were of both Dylan and me. The girlfriends and wives of the Station 7 guys understood the fear I felt about Dylan getting hurt, so they thought they knew how I felt. But they didn’t get it. Those women were the strongest I’d ever met. They’d survived horrors I didn’t even want to think about. But Sarah felt safe. She might want to thank me, but she’d also be angry at me for how long it took for help to get to them. Sarah might be one of the only people who knew what really happened and was willing to be objective about it.
An hour later, I left my apartment, locking the shiny new lock that I absolutely hated behind me, and drove to The Cozy Cup, a coffee shop in downtown San Antonio.
A quick glance in the visor’s mirror proved that washing my face and applying makeup had done nothing to hide weeksof crying and not sleeping, but I didn’t care. I didn’t have the energy or interest to pretend to be okay.
I walked into the coffee shop and the scent of pumpkin spice flooded my senses, a painful reminder that my favorite time of the year was here, but my usual enthusiasm for Halloween was as nonexistent as my peace and happiness. I looked around, numbly taking in the twinkling lights scattered overhead, the mismatched furniture, and the soft acoustic music playing.
I pushed away the thought that I’d love to come back here with Dylan. Swallowed the memories of all the times I’d met him at the Urban Grind. Especially that first time when he offered me a do-over. I’d never forget the words he said that day.
“That evening at Nolan’s with you was the most fun I’d had in a long time. I’m not really sure what happened at dinner, but it doesn’t matter. Juls, I think the girl I played pool with is the real you. I’m going to figure you out, Juls. I’m going to learn what it takes to make you smile and laugh like you did at Nolan’s, and I’m going to learn what you need when you have a hard time like at dinner. Is that okay with you?”
He really had kept that promise. He’d made me smile and laugh more than I ever had, and he’d helped smooth things over for me so easily, I usually didn’t even realize he was doing it. He was perfect for me.
But there was another promise, one that I’d asked him for weeks after that.
“You have to promise me that if there’s things that you want to do that I can’t, you'll just do them without me. And if that happens too often, or with things that are too important, we’ll break it off. I don’t want that, but I don’t want you to ever feel saddled by me. I’d rather lose you than be with you and feel like a burden.”
Now that I thought about it, he’d never actually agreed. We got distracted with sex instead.
I shook off my thoughts and looked around for Sarah. She was sitting in the corner at a table with two oversized chairs that looked like they belonged in someone’s living room. I’d been nervous I wouldn’t be able to recognize her after only meeting for a few minutes in the hospital, but I knew it was her the second I saw her. There was a covered tin on the table. The cupcakes.
Sarah stood, and we hugged for a long time. Thankfully, it was the hug of women who had shared the worst moment of our lives. I wasn’t at all interested in a polite conversation with a stranger.
Sarah pulled back and I saw the moment she got her first full look at me. Surprise was quickly replaced by a frown before she hid it with a fake smile. I offered a fake smile in return.
“Come on,” she said. “Let’s get coffee, then we can sit and talk.”
A few minutes later, we sat down with our coffees and Sarah jumped right into it. “It looks like your last few weeks have been as tough as mine.”
“No! Hell, no. I’m sorry for making this about me at all. How are you doing? How is Benji?” I couldn’t believe it took me so long to ask. Geez, I was so bad at even the most obvious conversations.