Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
“Breathe.” Ellie stayed with him, holding onto him, her warmth seeping in through his skin, the horror of the dream fading as he tried to do what she said.
In. Out. In. Out.
He gave her hand a squeeze. “I need to take a leak.”
He got up and walked to the bathroom, took a piss, then washed his hands and splashed his face with cold water. He didn’t want her to see him like this. He didn’t want her to see the shattered side of him.
He dried his hands and face and walked back to the bedroom to find her sitting with the lamp on. Some part of him wanted to fold himself into her, to take all the warmth and gentleness she could offer. But the rest of him wanted to grab his things and head up the hill to his own bed.
He crawled into bed with her again and lay back on the pillow, staring at the ceiling, his arm bent behind his head.
“Do you want to talk about it? Sometimes that helps. Dan had nightmares, too.”
He’d already talked with Esri about the dream so telling Ellie didn’t seem like such a huge leap. Besides, he’d already told her about his father.
Would she think him weak, a coward, a loser?
“Last summer, I responded to a call about a rollover MVA in the canyon. The vehicle, a little Honda, had been struck by some idiot who’d crossed the double yellow to pass a slow driver. The Honda had rolled into the creek and was sitting upside down in the middle. The water was running high. I got there first. I could see that there were people in the car—a mother and her kids.”
“God. How awful.”
“Standard operating procedure at this kind of rescue is to wait until ropes are in place so that rescuers don’t get swept away. We rope up, maybe create a Tyrolean traverse, then take out the survivors. No ropes, no rescue.”
“That makes sense. If you lose the rescuers, everyone dies.”
He nodded. “A little girl had taken off her seatbelt. I think she was worried about her mother, who was semi-conscious. Water was pouring into the car’s open windows, getting deeper. I shouted to the little girl to stay where she was, not to move. The current washed her out like she was a cork, took her right out of that car while I stood there waiting for the rest of the Team.”
He could still remember the dread that had taken him, his mouth going dry, his heart slamming against his breastbone.
“You went in after her.”
“Yeah. I ran down the embankment and jumped in, trying to get downstream of her so that I could catch her. I didn’t move fast enough. The current carried her right past me. I reached for her…” He swallowed the lump in his throat. “It was no good. I felt so fucking helpless.”
“I’m so sorry, Jesse.” Ellie’s voice was soft, calling him back from the edge. “I’ve lost people, too. I know it hurts. You did everything you could.”
“It wasn’t enough.”
“I know it feels that way, but from where I’m sitting, you did more than most people would have. You risked your life for hers.”
“I was the last person to see her alive. They finally got her body out of the water on the east side of Boulder. I can still see that terrified look in her eyes, her little hands reaching for me. I couldn’t save her. I couldn’t.”
Ellie drew him into her embrace, cradling him against her bare breast the way she’d held Daisy, pressing kisses to his hair.
And for the first time in his adult life, Jesse wept.
* * *
Ellie calledCentral Supply at the hospital first thing Monday morning to ask about the AEDs, oxygen equipment, and other supplies she’d ordered that hadn’t yet come in. The clerk who answered the phone had no idea what Ellie was talking about and had put her on hold ten minutes ago, the background music grating on her nerves.
Daisy and Daniel sat on the living room floor together playing with wooden puzzles, sticking farm animals and zoo critters into their respective slots and taking them out again. Ellie was grateful that they were occupying themselves because she didn’t have much in the way of emotional resources this morning.
Jesse was pulling away from her. She’d felt it last night in the way he’d turned off his emotions like shutting off a faucet. He’d left without kissing her goodbye. She’d texted him this morning to wish him a good day, and he still hadn’t replied.
He’d broken down last night, and it had scared him.
“Who are you holding for?” a voice said in her ear.