When he said nothing, she went on. “As for Kayla—you tried. You did everything you could do. You went above and beyond, risking your life. It’s not your fault that you couldn’t reach her. You shouldn’t have gone into the water in the first place.”
The furrow on his brow deepened.
“While it might have been your job to protect Christine, you were ambushed in a war zone. The fact that any of you got out alive…” Dan had been there. Dan had seen all of this happen. It had been part of the life he hadn’t been able to share with her. “They wouldn’t have given you a medal if they’d thought you’d failed in your duty. You hold yourself to an impossible standard.”
“She died a terrible death.”
“It would have been a lot worse without you. In an impossible situation, you gave her reassurance. She was suffering, and you dulled her pain. She was scared, and you held her. She drifted into unconsciousness knowing she wasn’t alone.”
“Yeah. I guess.”
“Somehow, you buried her death in your mind, and the Fisher girl’s drowning dug it up again.” No, it wasn’t only Kayla. He’d had the flashback when he’d been telling her about Dan. “Her death—and talking about Dan.”
Because Dan was the pilot that day.
Regret cut at her, made her wish she’d waited or had never asked.
And then it struck her.
Maybe this was why he hadn’t told her about Dan. Maybe some part of him had been guarding this terrible memory, doing all it could to keep it from rising to the surface again where it could tear him apart.
Now he sat beside her, silent, his eyes closed. He was no longer shaking, but he wasn’t relaxed either, tension rolling off him in waves. Any minute now, he would explode, taking shelter in rage. He wouldn’t take it out on her. He would do what he always did, what his parents had done—he would take his anger out on himself.
“You don’t need this bullshit in your life, Ellie.” He drew his hand away, got to his feet, rage simmering beneath his skin. “You didn’t sign on for this shit show.”
She stood, too. “I’m not afraid of what you’re feeling. I’m not afraid of who you are or what you’ve seen or what you’ve had to do to survive.”
He glared down at her as if she’d lost her mind.
“What scares me…” Tears.Damn it!“What scares me is what you’re going to do in the next couple of hours, what you’re going to do tomorrow.”
A muscle flexed in his jaw, and then his gaze went soft. “I made you a promise, Ellie. I won’t break it.”
“Stay with me, Jesse. Please. Stay with me tonight.” She touched a hand to his chest, felt his heart pounding beneath his sweater.
He rested his hand on hers, and for a moment she thought he meant to pry her hand away. “Why do you want me in your life?”
“Why don’t you want me to care about you?” She raised herself onto her tiptoes and brushed her lips over his.
One strong arm slid around her rib cage, drawing her closer, his hand splayed against her back. “I didn’t say that.”
Then he bent down, his mouth claiming hers, all of the emotion he’d been holding back channeled into this kiss.
It was rough, almost violent. It was wonderful.
Her fingers slid into his hair, her tongue seeking his, answering his aggression with her own fierce demands, fear for him transforming into lust.
They fell together onto her bed, his hands reaching for her zipper, jerking her jeans down her thighs while she reached for a condom. She waited while he yanked open his fly then rolled the condom over his thick erection. And then he was inside her, driving hard, the friction making them both come hard and fast, giving them release.
They lay together afterward, holding each other, heartbeats slowing.
“I care about you, Ellie, more than I thought I could care about anyone. I care about Daniel and Daisy, too. But I don’t have it in me to be the man you need, the man you and the twins deserve. For your sake, I don’t think we should make this relationship out to be more than it is.”
Ellie closed her eyes to keep back the tears.
* * *
It was a bright, sunny Saturday on the slopes. The parking lot was packed, the lift lines long, the lodge crowded. Every patroller was busy, one call after another coming in. A collision with injuries between a twelve-year-old skier and a snowboarder. An injury accident on Snow in Summer. A drunk man trying to grope women in the lift line. A broken wrist at the terrain park. A guy who got stuck in the lift chair when his backpack got wedged between the slats.