That he’s slept while I’ve been gone. That he’s eaten something as wholesome and good as the meals he makes for the rest of us.
But for long minutes I don’t move. Don’t open my eyes or raise my head. Instead I lie helpless to his thudding heart and warm skin and contemplate if I’ll ever again wake up without a fucking boner.
Christ.
I shift a little.
Sol’s hand stills in my hair and I sense him lean closer. Iwant himcloser, and honestly, I could stay like this forever with him.
But as ever, I want more.
Ineedmore, and he’s right there as I open my eyes, concern, desire, and amusement dancing in his bronze-brown gaze.
At least, I think it’s desire. I’m still learning.
“Okay down there, love?”
I hum a response, testing my ability to use actual words.
Not yet.
So I nod and turn my head, pressing my lips to the first swathe of skin I find. My favourite part, apparently. It’s where I sank my teeth in yesterday, before?—
Yeah. Okay. I remember. And it simmers me down a touch. Helps me gather a thought and voice it. “I won’t tell anyone, I swear.”
Sol’s smile evaporates. “You don’t need to do that. It was gods-awful of me to ask that of you. If you need to talk to someone about anything ever, Jackie, you should always,alwaysdo it.”
“So should you.”
“I know.”
“Are you okay?”
“Of course I am.”
“Did you sleep?”
Sol nods. “Passed out next to you. Fully clothed. Anyone looking in probably thinks we came home bladdered.”
“We’ve done that before, haven’t we?”
“Not for a long time, but yeah.”
“Was it like this?”
“Like what, Jackie?”
I rub his forearm, the one attached to the hand he has in my hair. “Did we lie like this? Or were you on top of me?”
Sol takes a measured breath, wryness seeping into his melodic voice. “You held your beer better than me. And you know how cuddly I get when I’m drunk.”
“You’re not like that anymore.”
“No?”
“No. I miss it. Sometimes, you step away when I think you want to lean on me, and it makes me wonder if you used to lean on me before…and now you think I can’t hold you up.”
I don’t mean physically. Sol knows that. I think. But there’s so many blank spots in my life now, I can’t be sure what’s real, what’s missing, and what’s TBI anxiety wreaking havoc in the grey matter I have left.