Knox noticed. Of course he noticed as his jaw tightened, but he didn't say anything.
I sat on the opposite end of the couch, as far from him as I could get without being obvious about it. The candles flickered. The storm raged. The silence between us grew teeth.
"I'm not scared of storms. “I said finally.
"I know you're not."
"Then why are you here? Really."
He was quiet for a long moment. When he spoke, I could hear the emotion in his voice. "Because I couldn't stay away."
Why did I feel like I had emotional whiplash from him. And why did I want him to tell me that he missed me. That he never stopped loving me, the way I never stopped for him. Even if he was a grade A asshole.
My heart was pounding so hard I could feel it in my throat as I finally answered. "You stayed away because you wanted to."
"No." The word was fierce, almost angry. "I stayed away because I had to. There's a difference."
"Had to?" I laughed, but there was no humor in it. "Nobody had a gun to your head, Knox. You made a choice. You didn't show up. You didn't call. You let me wait in the dark for three hours thinking something had happened to you, and then you never explained. That was a choice."
He flinched.
"You're right," he said quietly. "It was a choice. And I've regretted it every day since."
"Then why did you make it?"
The question came out raw. Desperate. Eight years of wondering, of telling myself I didn't care, crumbling in an instant.
Knox hung his head for a few seconds, before looking me straight in the eye. Those dark eyes latched onto mine.
"Because I thought it was the only way to protect you."
"Protect me from what?" I volleyed straight back at him. I wanted answers, and if he was finally going to give them to me, I wasn’t going to let up.
His jaw worked, like he was fighting himself, and I watched the battle play out across his face.
"Knox." I shifted closer without meaning to. "Protect me from what?"
"From me." The words came out broken. "From my life. From everything I would have cost you if I'd stayed."
"That wasn't your decision to make."
"I know." He dropped his head, staring at his hands. "Believe me, I know."
The storm howled outside. Lightning flashed, illuminating the room in stark white before plunging us back into candlelit shadows.
I wanted to demand the full truth and make him explain what protecting me actually meant.
Instead, I saw the man before me. At the man he'd become. At the exhaustion in his shoulders and the grief in his eyes and the way he sat there like he was waiting for me to destroy him.
"Did you ever think about me?" The question slipped out before I could stop it. Quiet. Vulnerable. The kind of question I'd sworn I'd never ask.
Knox raised his head and met my eyes.
"Every day," he said. "Every single day for eight years. You're the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I sleep. You're in every empty room and every quiet moment. You're the reason I stopped fighting and started building. Because I wanted to be someone you could be proud of, even if you never knew."
I couldn't breathe. Couldn't think. Couldn't do anything but stare at him while his words settled into my chest like stones.
"Knox..."