Duffy:Well thank you just the same.
I knew I shouldn’t push it, but I couldn’t stop myself.
I texted:You never gave me that number, Distefano.
Duffy:Do we really want to get bogged down in data and statistics, Cunningham?
I replied:Hell fucking yes
Duffy:Okay, fine. Um…so it was 40% gratitude, 60% the other
Me:OH YOU CANNOT SAY “THE OTHER,” YOU COWARD
Duffy:All caps. Okay, I see you, Bossy.
Me:Say it
Duffy:Fine. It was 60% me wondering if you’d fumble the pass or if you could convert.
I didn’t use the word “love” lightly, but I fuckinglovedthe way Duffy Distefano talked to me.
I texted:And…?
Duffy:And quit begging for compliments, it’s embarrassing.
I started laughing alone in the dark living room, because the girl was too fucking much. I texted:What’s embarrassing is that I can’t stop replaying it in my head. You scrambled my brain with your fucking mouth, Distefano.
Duffy:Then I can go to bed happy, knowing I messed with your mind. G’night, Connor.
I sighed and shook my head.G’night, Duff.
20
Duffy
My dad was funny about his Catholicism. He went to Mass every week without fail, but aside from that, he cursed like a sailor and did whatever the hell he wanted.
I think he found comfort in the ritual of it all more than anything.
So I shouldn’t have been surprised when we got to the cemetery and Father Gordy was there, but I was. I’d assumed we—me, my dad, and my brothers—would lay flowers on her grave and have some quiet time remembering her.
I hadn’t anticipated a priest joining us to say a few words.
I didn’t have a problem with it, but it made the remembrance feel more somber, more monumental.
Reminded me way too much of the funeral itself.
I felt my phone buzz in my jacket pocket while he spoke, and even though I knew I shouldn’t, I quickly glanced at it.
Connor:Hey, Duff. So, your dad wanted me to come to the cemetery to be there for you, to provide some support. Ijust got here, but I don’t want to interrupt if you would prefer to do this alone. Let me know your thoughts when you have a second and if I don’t hear from you, I will just steer clear and make my excuses to Tony later.
Unbelievable. I glanced over at my dad, deep in thought as he listened to the priest, and I was touched that he’d worried enough about me to reach out to Connor.
And as weird as it sounded, even though he wasn’t my real boyfriend and everything with us was confusing, I wanted to see him. I just knew that seeing him would make me feel a little better. Less alone. Somehow, he’d quickly become my rock of sorts, a safe space I hadn’t found with anyone else during the long, hard year of being strong for my dad.
It was kind of a scary revelation, because there was no way it was a good idea to need someone so much so early, but I didn’t want to think about it right now. I just wanted Connor with me. I mean, I knew that was probably selfish; he’d already been there for my family in so many ways in the relatively short time we’d known each other. I felt like all I’d been doing was taking, but couldn’t I let myself take just a little bit more, just for today?
After a moment of hesitation, I quickly shot off a text before I changed my mind:Don’t feel obligated, because cemeteries are awful, but you wouldn’t be interrupting.