The vibes were not I’m-so-unhinged-and-stalkery-that-I’m-going-to-go-deep-with-your-family, so I had no idea what to think.
I went to my room and changed into comfy clothes, unsure of exactly what to do with myself. I’d gotten so used to spending my time either studying—which was pointless today when my brain couldn’t stay in the present—or running errands for my dad, that having a few free hours seemed almost overwhelming.
Too many possibilities. TV, movie, nap, book…the choices were limitless.
But then I decided to go see her.
I had plans to go to the cemetery the next day with my dad and brothers, but suddenly I wanted a little alone time with her. When I got to Oak Hill, I walked in the dark until I reached her headstone.
For some reason, I was never scared to be there after dark. Anywhere else in the city I was gripping my Mace and making sure my Taser was handy, but when I was at the cemetery I felt oddly at peace, like I was being protected by everyone who lived there.
“Hey,” I said, dropping to sit crisscross-applesauce beside her. “I know I’m going to see you tomorrow, but I ditched Dad, so I thought it would be fun for us to have a girls’ night.”
I rolled my eyes at myself, because I always got stupid when I talked out loud to my mother. I pretty much became my teen self anytime I wanted to connect with her from beyond the grave.
My mom was gone, so the idea that communicating with her at the cemetery reached some connecting portal was kind of ridiculous, but I didn’t care.
I felt closer to her here.
“I can’t believe a year ago this very minute, you were watching trash TV. Maybe that’s what actually killed you—you let too much of that nonsense into your brain,” I said, knowing she’d appreciate the dark joke.
“God. It’s just been such a weird year without you. On the one hand, I’m closer to Dad than I’ve ever been in my entire life, so thank you for that, I guess,” I said. “He misses you so much that he needs me. The most capable man in the world needs me because he doesn’t have you, so that’s just like the biggest blessing and curse ever,” I said, smiling even as it became difficult to swallow.
I closed my eyes and pictured her smile, the way her whole face lit up.
“I just miss you so much,” I said with a muffled sob, no longer able to hold back tears. “I just want to hear your voice and smell your perfume and see your face so badly.”
My chest hurt, my heart hurt, and in an instant, I needed to unload everything on her.
“And shit, Ma—I want all the wisdom that I was supposed to get from you when I got older. I was still young and dumbwhen you died, still the mental equivalent of a college kid. All the things that you were supposed to teach me about being an adult, like why people care about cleaning baseboards and how do you even do it—I still need all of those things from you. How am I going to ever have babies without you holding my hand through it?”
The hole in my chest made it hard to speak, or maybe it was the sobbing.
“How am I supposed to know anything about how to live without you? Who do I call now? I don’t know how long Dad’s going to live. I don’t know if this lung thing means he’s just going to have shitty lungs for the next twenty years or if it means he’s only got five left. I’m too afraid to ask the doctor and I feel like the boys are the same way. And I don’t know if he knows. I don’t know how to ask Dad if he understands what they’re saying or if he wants to or if he wantsmeto. And my fucking CPA exams,” I said on a sob; it was like a centuries-old dam had been released. “Everything is so hard—it’s all too much, and it wasn’t like that when you were here. Just having you made everything better.”
I wiped at my eyes with the sleeve of my jacket.
“I suppose I didn’t come here to bitch at you—that’s selfish, right? I’m supposed to be honoring you and your memory, not complaining about your absence.”
I cleared my throat—well, I tried, but it didn’t do any good.
“I’ll never understand how I got lucky enough to have a mom who was the funniest person in the world, and I’d give anything for five more minutes. I would. I know I can’t have that, but just know that I would giveeverythingto have those five minutes because that’s how much I loved you.”
I was a bawling mess and I didn’t even care because it was like I was bleeding out. Nothing in the world mattered or compared to how much I missed her at that moment.
I sat there for a long time, just crying in the darkness.
It felt like all I could do.
All I evenwantedto do.
After God knows how long, the tears dwindled, noises of the wilderness beyond the cemetery bringing me back to reality.
“I’m sorry, I’ve got to go, Mom. I need time to de-swell my face before Dad gets home.” I curled up against her headstone, wishing to absorb even an ounce of my mom’s essence. “I hate saying this, but I think this was a terrible idea. I never feel better after I come here, and I know you know it. I feel closer to you in a way, to just talk to you, but Mom, I still feel so lost, because you’re still gone. I love you and I just wish you weren’t dead.”
I wiped my nose on the back of my sleeve and stood, exhausted and empty as I walked back to my car.
My phone buzzed as I buckled my seat belt.