She sighed and dropped her menu. Clasped her hands together on the table and reset her fake smile.
“Attagirl,” I said, chuckling in spite of everything because I knew her head was exploding.
“I have no idea how I’m going to make it through a meal with you if this is how it’s going to be,” she said through gritted teeth, but still smiling. “I envisioned you politely granting me this favor because, y’know, you were anassholeso it’s the right thing to do. I never imagined you—”
“I can’t help it,” I confessed, leaning forward across the table and lowering my voice. “I thought I’d be able to go along with this, but I can’t. I want to for you, Duff, but I fucking can’t.”
“Then I’m only getting coffee. But tell me—why can’t you?” she asked, and for the first time since she walked in, she looked sad. Her eyes swept over my face before she quietly added, “Why can’t you just be nice and give me this one tiny thing?”
“Because it sucks too much, okay?” I said, shaking my head. “I want the real thing with you, not some fake show. I thought if I tried, this little pretend date would at least be a crumb I could enjoy, but it’s not. It’s just a reminder of how great the real thing was and how much I fucking hate crumbs.”
“Well, I’m sorry,” she said tightly. “But you ruined the real thing and crumbs are all that’s left.”
“Can we stop saying ‘crumbs’? I hate this analogy.”
“You started it,” she said, narrowing her eyes. “You’re the one who keeps saying it.”
“I know,” I said, hearing what a pouty dick I sounded like. “I hate that, too.”
“Yeah,” she agreed, but her breath was shaky as she sighed. “But we were never really more than friends aside from like a week, so—”
“So…what?” I said, suddenly not giving a shit about anything other than saying it. Saying all of it. “Is that supposed to make this better? Because it doesn’t, Duff. You being my friend was the best part of it all, the good part that you saidyouwanted when we talked about love at the Commons. I can’t hear ‘Exile’ without remembering how fucking cool you were to karaoke with me in a dive bar. I can’t watch hockey without remembering what a keyed-up little shit you are when the ref pisses you off, and every morning when I talk to my grandpa, I can’t stop myself from remembering the way you dropped everything to visit him with me, just because I asked you to.”
It was too much, and I could see from her expression that I was burning this shit to the ground but I couldn’t stop. The words wouldn’t stop coming, even as she blinked fast and watched me like I was coming apart.
“I know it was a jerk move to ask you out as a favor to the team, and I’m sorry for not telling you, but every single thing after that, every moment between us, was fucking perfection, so I can’t apologize for everything else. It was all real for me. And the zombie hunt wasnotsomeone else’s idea—it was one of the best nights of my life, for the record. I’ll never forgive myself for hurting you or making you feel like you weren’t worthy, but how can I regret the stupid stunt that allowed me to get to know you?”
She was still watching me like I was nuts, and I realized I was probably ruining the whole scheme.
Shit.
“I’m screwing this up, I know, so if you’ll just lean forward, I’ll smile and drop a very fake kiss on your mouth, just to offset my tirade, okay?”
“What?” she asked, clearly disoriented and rightfully so because I was making zero sense.
“Bring it in, I’ll give the people the photo op and then leave so you won’t have to make it through the meal with me.” I leaned forward, my elbows on the table, and let my fingers slide over the curve of her jaw, feeling a deep sense of sadness and regret.
Fuck me, I love this girl, I thought as she said nothing, as her brown eyes gave no hint of what was going on in her head.
I didn’t have to fake anything as my fingertips caressed her skin and my mouth found its way to hers. I was drowning in a want so consuming it felt almost suffocating, like I was going to lose my ever-loving shit if I couldn’t find a way out of this mess and back to her.
I kissed her and felt her gasp against my lips, like she hadn’t expected me to follow through. Maybe she’d thought it was going to be like the kiss cam, some funny little joke, but this wasn’t a game to me, not when this could be the last time I’d kiss her.
I wanted so badly to linger, to tease her into something more, but I wasn’t going to deliver unwanted affection. I performed, giving a chaste, picture-perfect kiss, and then I pulled back. I smiled like a besotted boyfriend while still holding her cheek, even though it felt like the hardest thing in the world to do.
“I’m going to take off now,” I said through a broken smile,playing the part as she watched me in confusion. “I know you’re mad that I ruined this and I’m sorry about that, but it’s impossible for me to be sorry about us.”
I killed the space between us and brought my mouth to her ear. “I do love you, Duff, even if that pisses you off.”
36
Duffy
I watched as he stood and left the restaurant.
I sat there, speechless and in shock, as the crowd of hungry people waiting for tables parted and let him through. They smiled, obviously charmed by him and the romantic little scene he’d just set, and I couldn’t stop my brain from wreaking havoc in response to the shock.
I stared into space, his words ricocheting around in my head.