“Time?” I let out a short laugh that had nothing funny in it.
“It’s been years Nique. She’s been reaching out since you got shot. That was almost twelve years ago.”
“Only because she thought I was going to die,” I said. “Her conscience couldn’t handle losing one of the kids she abandoned. That’s not love Nel, that’s guilt.”
“She tried before that too,” London said softly.
“It was too late.” I kept my voice even because if I let it go, I was going to say something I couldn’t take back. “I needed her when I was a child. Not when I was almost grown. She used to pop in and out of our lives like a visiting auntie, bringing gifts and money like it could replace her. It never could.”
“I’m tired of carrying this Nique,” Nel said, reaching across for my hand.
I pulled back. “Then put it down. Nobody is stopping you.”
“We’ll be thirty this year. Don’t you want to know our siblings? Whitley and Wendell? They didn’t do anything to us.”
Stella’s other life flashed through my mind. Her husband. Her house. Those two kids growing up with the version of her I used to pray for at night. A mother who stayed.
“I don’t have anything against those kids,” I said carefully. “But I’m not ready to vacation with the woman who chose them over us and pretend we’re family.”
“Dominique.” Nel only used my full name when he was done being patient. “I’m ready to reconcile with our mother. I need you to respect that.”
“And I need you to respect that I’m not.” My voice cracked on the last word and I hated it. “Every time you smile in her face, you’re telling ten-year-old me that none of it mattered. You’re telling her it was fine to leave us as long as she shows up eventually.”
“Nique please,” London said. “It’s my wedding. I want the whole family there.”
“I’m not family to her,” I said. “I’m a mistake she finally decided to stop hiding. I can’t do this right now. I need y’all to go.”
“We aren’t trying to betray you,” London said. “This trip could be the beginning of something healing for all of you.”
“If Stella is on that island, I won’t be.” I told them and meant every word.
London’s eyes filled. “You’re really going to miss my wedding over this?”
“Not everything is about your wedding Lonnie. If you knew me at all you would have talked to me before you sent that invitation.”
“Everything isn’t about you either,” she said, her voice breaking. “Your twin is telling you he’s ready to heal and you’re choosing to stay stuck.”
Nel stood up. He looked at me for a long moment like he was waiting for me to say something different. I didn’t.
“I’ll be in the car,” he said to London, and walked out through the side gate without looking back.
London looked at me one more time before she picked up her purse. “Grandma Anne used to say hate is too heavy to carry. It’ll wear you out faster than it hurts them.” She paused at the door. “Your power is on the other side of this Nique. I hope you find your way there.”
Then she was gone too.
Tears hit my dress before I even felt them coming.
Paris stayed seated. She hadn’t said much the whole time, which was very her. She reached over and covered my hand with hers and we sat like that for a minute without speaking.
“You want help cleaning up?” she finally asked.
I shook my head no.
She pulled me into a hug that I didn’t deserve after the way I had just acted and held on longer than necessary. “I hope youchange your mind,” she said against my hair. “The trip won’t be the same without you. Don’t let Stella keep stealing from you.”
I didn't respond. Paris knew me well enough to know that I needed space. Once she left, I broke.
I cried for little girl in me that stood in Grandma Anne’s kitchen gripping that corded phone with both hands, waiting for Stella to tell me it was finally time to come home. I could still hear her voice, flat and distracted, telling me no like she was declining a charge on her card instead of her own child.