“How has your morning been going so far?” I asked, getting comfortable.
“Straight.”
“Want to explain a little bit?”
He chuckled lightly. “I woke up, gave the Big Homie thanks, and asked for guidance, a sound mind, and clarity. Ate a little something, worked out a little, went to meet up with a few club members to discuss a few business ventures, and went online to try to find me a spot to settle in.”
“Wow. All of this before ten a.m.?”
“The grind don’t stop. Been up since five.”
I nodded. “Good. I love that for you.”
“’Preciate it.”
“At our last visit, you were going to tell me about your last episode—what incited it and what you wanted to do differently.”
He sat up and cleared his throat. His eyes scanned my office as he cracked his knuckles. I could tell he was uncomfortable speaking about it, but I hoped he pushed through so we could try to find a solution to the problem.
“My last relationship lasted two years. I loved her and wanted the best for us both. I overcompensated on a lot of shit because I wanted to fill in the spaces where I may have lacked. When she told me she was pregnant . . .” He paused and rubbed a palm down his waves. “When she told me she was pregnant, I immediately told her to get an abortion.”
“Why is that?”
He smirked lightly. “You know why, Ros.”
“I only read body language, remember?” I smiled at him. I had to admit I was a little disappointed that he had a brand-new baby, simply because that meant the mother would still be in the picture. I was almost positive that Ghana blew her damn mind, and she was still in love with him. There was no way I was competing with her. She already had one up on me, so just knowing that alone, I would bow out gracefully.
“Right.” He nodded. “Because of my mental condition. There was no way I could have another me running around here being judged, treated differently, or put on medications. I’d rather she told me she adopted a puppy than to tell me my seed was growing inside her womb.”
“Do you feel as if you can’t be a good father? Knowing how life was for you, do you believe you can’t steer your baby in the right direction?”
“I don’t know . . . I guess I’d find that out when we haveourfirst kid.”
That threw me off as I stared at him. “Mr. Abara. We had a deal, sir.”
His palms opened and went midway into the air. “I didn’t say anything wrong, did I?” He smirked.
“Are you not going to try with the baby you have now?”
“I don’t have any kids, Ros.”
I frowned slightly. “Care to explain?”
“My last episode, I found out the baby wasn’t mine. The episode before that, I did what I did to Ashanti to Nichelle. Of course, I regretted it because, as I said, I really have no idea what I do until it’s over. I came out of it and noticed she was on the floor, holding her face. I tried to apologize, but she ran off and didn’t come home until the next day.”
“What triggered that episode?”
“I was overwhelmed with everything that was happening. My sister got kidnapped by a rival biker gang, shit went left, and I had to flee. So, I went to her in Memphis. Having to uproot my life became too much, and my thoughts and emotions got thebest of me. She said something that wasn’t even wrong, and I went off. The night she came home, we had sex, and I knew she had cheated on me.
“I didn't want to believe it, because Nichelle was the only other person outside of my sister and Ru that I felt genuinely loved and understood me. But as it stands, I was wrong about her, and once she had the baby, I didn’t even want to know if it was true.”
“Why is that?”
“Because I was really trying to get my shit together for her and the baby. My heart and my mind played tug-of-war for nine fucking months, only to find out I had been going through those motions for nothing.” He sat up in his seat, placing his elbows on his knees. It was something I noticed he did when he was about to tell me something deep. “I like kids, Ros. I would never harm a child, a newborn baby at that. My heart and my brain ain’t on one accord when I get angry. My heart tells me to be chill, but my brain tells me to crash out.
“I—I sent Kenz to the hospital to find out, but I just had to see it for myself. I wanted that shit to be a hoax and for her to be, indeed, my daughter. But when I got there, the real daddy was coming out of the hospital. When I got up there, I overheard my sister cussin’ her out, and—I lost it. The sad part about it is, I knew what would happen if she wasn’t mine, and I took my ass up there anyway.”
“Hmm. It’s normal to feel the sting of betrayal, Ghana. You did a lot for her, and to find out the baby didn’t belong to you hurts. But your actions could have been different. Not exactly sure what went on in the hospital, but because of your history of blackouts, I’m sure it wasn’t anything on a verbal level.”