The truth is, they hadn’t known me very long before the incident, and since then, I’ve gradually pulled away from them.I see them in passing.I’m polite and try to make conversation, but they must think I’m a freak since I absolutely never go out or even sit in front of the TV with them at night.I’m in my room, following my Daddy’s orders.
This morning, I’m out of sorts.More than usual.Partly because I just got caught touching myself.Partly because I miss him so badly, and I know what I have to do to get him back.
After taking a quick shower, I finish my bathroom routine, get dressed in the long shorts and T-shirt he left me, and head for the kitchen.This is the time of day I most often end up interacting with at least one roommate.We don’t have the same schedules, of course, but at least two of us grab breakfast at the same time.
Today, it’s Desiree who’s eating a bowl of cereal.I paste on a cheery face as I enter.“Hey.”
“Hey, you,” she responds.“You missed an epic party last night.”
I chuckle as I pour myself some juice and grab a protein bar before joining her at the table.I’d rather leave the house and not risk small talk, but I don’t want any of them to get suspicious.
“I don’t think the party scene is my thing.”I shrug.“I hate the taste of alcohol, and it’s weird being around drunk people when you’re sober.”
“Yeah, I guess that makes sense.You’re so studious.You must be making straight A’s.”
“Hopefully.How are your classes going?”I ask to turn the subject away from me.
“Not bad.Computer science is a bitch.A TA teaches it.He’s pretty nice, I guess, but I think he’s on the spectrum.He doesn’t seem to grasp why we don’t all understand every formula as soon as he introduces it.He’s so awkward.I hope I can pass the class.I need it for a prerequisite.”
I wince.“That sucks.Maybe you can go to tutoring?They have math tutors in the lab.I went to one the first week.He was pretty nice.”
“Yeah, maybe.”She finishes the last bite of her cereal and sticks her bowl in the dishwasher.“Gotta run.I can’t miss computer science.That’s for sure.I’d be so far behind I’d never catch up.”She waves as she heads out the door.
I think that went well.It was a normal conversation.I explained why I don’t like parties.That wasn’t even a lie.The one and only party I went to gave me that exact vibe.It also landed me with a stalker who won’t leave me alone.
I’m almost late to my first class because I don’t walk fast enough.I’m dragging.Too much is going through my head.I know what I have to do, and I will do it today, but I’m loath to send the necessary text.
It’s the only way we can go forward, though.
I’ve researched anal sex for the past few days.I know it’s not that uncommon.People do it.It’s perfectly safe.But I haven’t even had regular sex in my vagina yet.Why am I being forced to skip that and worry about my butthole?
His methods are warped.Batshit.But his logic isn’t unreasonable.It would be better for him to stretch my tight hole and prepare it before he takes me with his cock.
But, fuck.Why am I having discussions about anal sex with a man who ghosts me for the most part simply because I’m scared to try it?He didn’t even give me a chance to consider his plan.He thought he could just flip me over and spring it on me.
And why have I spent three days rationalizing all this and gradually making excuses for him?
He was born this way.He can’t help it.
I should be more flexible.
If I really want to be with him, I have to see things his way.
Relationships are hard.They’re a give and take.
I’m obviously as fucked up in the head as he is.
I have just as many issues.
Submission is in my blood, even though I didn’t know it.
How will I ever find a man who understands me like he does?
The list goes on and on.I’ve thought of this from every angle.And I’ve made my decision.I can’t stand the cold shoulder.I want what I can get from him, even if it’s not conventional.
I promise myself I will stop questioning his methods.Maybe if I made better choices, he wouldn’t keep shutting me out for days at a time.
It worries me how dark the bruise is on my inner thigh.He could go two weeks without marking me someplace new.I’m sure he did that on purpose.