WHEREAS, the Parties were lawfully married in Las Vegas, Nevada;
WHEREAS, the Parties have decided to give this marriage “a proper shot” for a trial period of six (6) months;
WHEREAS, Wife has expressed concerns about the nature and terms of this arrangement, and Husband wishes to clarify expectations while also compensating Wife handsomely for tolerating his family, attending boring corporate events, and generally putting up with his nonsense;
NOW THEREFORE, in consideration of the mutual promises and covenants contained herein, the Parties agree as follows:
ARTICLE I: FINANCIAL COMPENSATION
1.1 Base Compensation
Wife shall receive TEN MILLION DOLLARS ($10,000,000.00) for successfully completing the initial six (6) month trial period of marriage, regardless of whether the Parties choose to continue the marriage thereafter. This payment is non-refundable, non-negotiable, and will be made even if Husband drives Wife completely insane (which is likely).
1.2 Continuation Compensation
Should the Parties mutually agree to continue the marriage beyond the initial six (6) month period, Wife shall receive TEN MILLION DOLLARS ($10,000,000.00) per year for each subsequent year of marriage, paid in quarterly installments.
Footnote: Yes, Laney, I’m serious. This is literally the bare minimum, and you should probably demand more from someone like me. Seriously, Ari, demand more.
1.3 Academic Achievement Bonuses
Husband, recognizing that Wife abandoned her doctoral studies to care for her ailing mother and manage the family business, hereby commits to incentivizing Wife's return to academic pursuits as follows:
(a) PhD Completion Bonus: Upon successful completion of Wife’s doctorate in Classical Studies (or related field), Wife shall receive TWO MILLION DOLLARS ($2,000,000.00).
(b) Tenure-Track Position Bonus: Upon acceptance of a tenure-track position at any accredited university, Wife shall receive TWO MILLION DOLLARS ($2,000,000.00).
(c) Publication Bonus: For each peer-reviewed journal article published in Wife’s field, Wife shall receive FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS ($50,000.00).
(d) Monograph Publication Bonus: Upon publication of Wife’s first academic monograph by a university press, Wife shall receive FIVE MILLION DOLLARS ($5,000,000.00). Husband also reserves the right to throw a launch party and brag obnoxiously to everyone he knows.
(e) Tenure Achievement Bonus: Upon achieving tenure at any major research university, Wife shall receive TEN MILLION DOLLARS ($10,000,000.00).
1.4 Meráki Fashion Support
All investments in Meráki Fashion, LLC are separate from this agreement and are made as personal business investments by Husband. However, should Meráki achieve profitability within the first two (2) years, Wife shall receive a bonus of ONE MILLION DOLLARS ($1,000,000.00) for her entrepreneurial success.
1.5 Discretionary Spending
For the duration of the marriage and no less than twenty (20) years after, Wife shall have access to:
A monthly clothing allowance of TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS ($25,000.00)
A dedicated household account into which ONE-HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS ($100,000.00) will be deposited per month
ARTICLE II: RESIDENTIAL ARRANGEMENTS
2.1 Primary Residence
Wife agrees to cohabitate with Husband at his primary residence located in Boston, Massachusetts for the durationof the marriage OR at a mutually agreed-upon location. This address is CONFIDENTIAL and not to be disclosed without Husband’s explicit consent.
2.2 Secondary Residence
Wife shall also have access to Husband’s penthouse apartment in downtown Boston (the “Public Apartment”), which may be used for official events, photo-opportunities, overnight stays when needed, or when Wife needs to escape Husband’s company temporarily for no more than two nights at a time, twice a month.
2.3 Bed-Sharing Requirement
Wife agrees to share Husband’s bed on a nightly basis, except in cases of: