What was I supposed to do? Tadhg had said he’d stayed off the drink for months while I was gone. I understood the stress of this fatherhood situation, but drinking himself under the table wouldn’t make life any easier. If anything, trying to mind a child with a raging hangover would be worse.
Brogan’s wails turned into soft whimpers, his eyes fluttering before drifting shut. I nearly shouted with excitement. He’d never fallen asleep for me. Not even once. And here he was, his chubby cheek pressed to my breast and mouth hanging slightly open, looking like a bloody angel.
He really was perfect, with his little chocolate curls and those lashes, still wet from his tears. The red splotches on his face eventually faded, leaving his skin milky pale.
As perfect as he was, he still belonged to someone else.
By the time I carried him up to his cot, my arms were ready to fall off. I eased his body onto the tiny mattress, holding my breath and praying his eyes remained closed. I considered throwing myself down for a snooze as well but decided it would be best to eat something first before my howling stomach woke the beast.
Back downstairs, the most delicious smell of roast meats and freshly baked bread wafted from the kitchen’s open door. Eava hummed to herself as she chopped carrots for what looked an awful lot like beef stew.
Eava glanced over her shoulder and smiled. At first, her black eyes had reminded me of Fiadh and the Queen. But after only a few minutes in her company, it was clear this witch was nothing like them. “Finally got the babe down I see,” she said, as warm and welcoming as the plate of hot cross buns sitting on the high table.
Finally was right. “It only took two hours.” Yawning into my fist, I sank onto the closest stool. I wasn’t sure what I wanted more: to lay my head down and pass out or to eat one of those buns. Eava made the decision for me when a plate appeared, two steaming, buttery buns on top. I thanked her, then thanked her again when I took the first bite. I’d only been alive a few weeks and already my dresses felt a little tighter. The food back in Graystones had been good but was nothing compared to Eava’s masterpieces. And to think, this time last year I had been afraid to eat fae food.
Savoring each bite as I chewed gave my brain some time to process the last few days. I thought of those men who’d come to the hall on Friday, the ones who’d sneered and told Tadhg he was a fool for marrying me. My mind drifted to Anwen next. And finally, to her son. “Do you think it’s possible for a baby to resent you?”
Eava heaved her chopping board to the edge of the pot on the stovetop and shoved the carrots straight in. “No, child. Although they can sense stress, even when they’re wee babes.”
Stressed didn’t begin to cover how I felt. Maybe if I’d been there from the beginning, if I’d been the one to go through carrying him, seen his first smile, heard his first laugh, maybe I’d feel differently. But he wasn’t mine.
He was Tadhg’s and Anwen’s.
A constant reminder of my husband’s infidelity while I was in the Underworld.
He was cursed.
He wasn’t your husband then.
He wascursed.
It wasn’t the child’s fault. Rationally, I knew that. But part of me still resented him for it. And that made me a horrible, awful person. It felt even more important to find a way to connect with Brogan so he didn’t resent me as well.
Eava carried the chopping board and knife to the sink. “Where’s Tadhg?”
Groaning, I stuffed another bite between my lips. “Passed out.”
She gripped the edge of the counter and let out an exasperated sigh. “I love my boys, but sometimes they do things that don’t make a lick of sense.”
Tell me about it. What was it about men that made them so bloody daft?
“It feels like he’s pushing me away.” Avoiding me. Drinking morning, noon, and night. This wasn’t the man I fell in love with. Even on our darkest days, he’d never been this bad. I could appreciate that he was struggling. I was struggling too. Why couldn’t we lean on each other instead of letting this break us apart?
Eava turned, her expression grim as she crossed to where I picked at my food instead of eating any more. “The lad’s convinced yer going to leave him over the babe. And he won’t stop till ye do.”
“I don’t want to leave him.” But I didn’t know how I could stay like this either.
She pressed a wrinkled hand to her forehead, worry written in every line on her face. “This has happened twice before, him letting the darkness take over. He’s the only one who can decide whether or not it wins.”
I wanted to ask about the other times, but Eava continued speaking, replacing my questions with new ones. “I can’t believe I’m sayin’ this,” she said, “but maybe the sooner he’s proved right, the sooner he’ll get his shite together. I love that lad like he’s my own, but as long as he has someone else to lean on, that’s what he’ll do. With Leesha and Aveen gone, that leaves ye.” Her eyes turned serious. “If ye were to go…”
Had she lost her mind? I couldn’t leave Tadhg in this state. “He’ll think I abandoned him.”
“Sometimes the end justifies the means.”
Eava’s words haunted me all the way back to Brogan’s room, where the little boy slept peacefully in his cot, looking so much like his father, my heart ached. Was Eava right? Would Tadhg be better off figuring this out on his own? If I left, how far was I willing to go?
If leaving gave us a chance, then that was what I’d do.